I am back to work.
(for those that don't know, I am a newborn intensive care nurse in a VERY big and busy unit)
The first day went fine.
Head down and trudge through.
LOVED being back with the babies.
On day two I thought a little usually slightly boring unit meeting was harmless.
Till we had a huge speech from the head of our hospital about the permanent changes the loss of baby makes in a family.
And then I had to leave the meeting and go find a place to hide and cry my eyes out.
She just kept going and going and going - about dead babies and I don't have the stomach for it. I think the breaking point was something about "even the tiniest babies..." and I had this crystal clear image of Zack flash in my head.
Thank God my amazing/brave/talented friend Amy peeled me off the ceiling.
All that by 9:30am.
Then at 11:30 I was sitting down feeding a baby and wearing a yellow gown. Raw but recovered.
And someone who meant ZERO harm and just didn't know walked by me and asked me, "How many weeks are you now?"
And I was just too fragile, I could even complete the sentence "Our baby died on the 17th." Before loosing it again.
Seriously not the back to work picture of calm I was going for.
I was a hot mess.
I am so embarrassed and annoyed at myself.
I am allowed to still have a broken heart, just not in front of the entire work unit. That is not the place for it. What we do it really serious and its not the place for a crybaby.
And on that note - I used to come to work dancing on my tiptoes PUMPED up to take the sickest baby in there and do the best I could for them and their family. I was wired just right for this job.
Now I have signed up for the easiest babies in the entire unit and could hardly hold it together in the room of a terminal baby after helping place an IV. I am just so non characteristically fragile.
What happens now? I seriously have to leave this old soul mate of a job if this doesn't improve. But it is only day two, and my heart is still very broken. As I start to heal more do I start to slowly get my sea legs back, until I walk in one morning and am back to taking really sick babies? Or do I end up bored but unstressed in a peds office?
SIDE NOTE: Want to know the best part of yesterday? I LIVED. It's like P90X, once I get to the end I am stunned that I made it. I came home yesterday - I talked to Max while he was in the shower, and snuggled Lily till she told me I was smashing her. I feel asleep with a smile on my face. I was glad to be me and to have Josh and the shorties. (But I still want Zack too.)