Thursday, February 17, 2011


I am back to work.

(for those that don't know, I am a newborn intensive care nurse in a VERY big and busy unit)

The first day went fine.

Head down and trudge through.

LOVED being back with the babies.

On day two I thought a little usually slightly boring unit meeting was harmless.

Till we had a huge speech from the head of our hospital about the permanent changes the loss of baby makes in a family.

And then I had to leave the meeting and go find a place to hide and cry my eyes out.

She just kept going and going and going - about dead babies and I don't have the stomach for it.  I think the breaking point was something about "even the tiniest babies..." and I had this crystal clear image of Zack flash in my head.

Thank God my amazing/brave/talented friend Amy peeled me off the ceiling.  

All that by 9:30am.

Then at 11:30 I was sitting down feeding a baby and wearing a yellow gown.  Raw but recovered.

And someone who meant ZERO harm and just didn't know walked by me and asked me, "How many weeks are you now?"

And I was just too fragile, I could even complete the sentence "Our baby died on the 17th."  Before loosing it again.

Seriously not the back to work picture of calm I was going for.  

I was a hot mess.  

I am so embarrassed and annoyed at myself.

I am allowed to still have a broken heart, just not in front of the entire work unit.  That is not the place for it.  What we do it really serious and its not the place for a crybaby.  

And on that note - I used to come to work dancing on my tiptoes PUMPED up to take the sickest baby in there and do the best I could for them and their family.  I was wired just right for this job.  

Now I have signed up for the easiest babies in the entire unit and could hardly hold it together in the room of a terminal baby after helping place an IV.  I am just so non characteristically fragile.

What happens now?  I seriously have to leave this old soul mate of a job if this doesn't improve.  But it is only day two, and my heart is still very broken.  As I start to heal more do I start to slowly get my sea legs back, until I walk in one morning and am back to taking really sick babies?  Or do I end up bored but unstressed in a peds office?  

SIDE NOTE:  Want to know the best part of yesterday?  I LIVED.  It's like P90X, once I get to the end I am stunned that I made it.  I came home yesterday - I talked to Max while he was in the shower, and snuggled Lily till she told me I was smashing her.  I feel asleep with a smile on my face.  I was glad to be me and to have Josh and the shorties.  (But I still want Zack too.) 


  1. Love you. Sorry it's been rough. We all love you and are so happy to see you. I just couldn't contain my excitement when I saw you in the lunchroom :)

  2. Still thinking of you. I was going to text you and ask you how it is being back to work, but you described it well here. I'm sure Amy is going to be your best support, as she has been through a similar hell. So has C.L., maybe she can be a resource to you also. Hugs and love and prayers your way.

  3. I can imagine that is a very difficult job to go back to when the pain is so new and real. The loss does bring a whole new perspective to your career as a nurse and that perspective will benefit others in the long run. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a normal reaction. Make sure you have a core of co-workers who understand what you have been through and can cover for you while you go to gather yourself. It's too early to decide to change jobs, though I think you would be phenomenal in a peds unit too.

  4. I admire you for tackling all you do. I believe your emotions will make you an even better and more empathetic nurse. It's easy to be strong when you don't know how much might be lost. Now you know. It is gut wrenchingly awful. But somehow life does go on all around you anyway. Now you are *really* strong. So glad you enjoyed your snuggle time at home. Zack's loss will always be there but you will also always have much to celebrate. Put one foot in front of another and you'll triumph and bless those families in your care.

  5. You aren't cut out for a boring Peds office. You are a good nurse, just one that has more going on emotionally than usual. You will heal. You would kick yourself if you are bored to tears too. You would lose your identity. You are where you need to be, anywhere will be hard right now. Keep trucking sister. We are thinking about you, and praying. You will heal. Love you Brooke!

  6. Ugghh, could they have picked a worse subject at the worst time? But I suppose if it wasn't that, it would have something else just as painful. But it's awesome that you got through it. I think going through what you have makes you a better nurse, especially in that particular dept.



Related Posts with Thumbnails