::grad school - year one done::

   Wow!  I can honestly say that this last year has been a blur.  School has proven to be the final straw that pushed me over the brink of that I can manage to get done.  I have always had a lot of ego about what I can get done - marriage, kids, garden, animals, work full time.  Why not just throw school in there too?  Right?  Yikes, that was a stretch.  But with one year under my belt I think I am starting to get the hang of it.
    First of all - I got all A's.  One whole year of all A's.  I didn't even get that in nursing school when I was busting my ass trying to show off how smart I was.  I'd love to tell you it's because I have been killing myself studying, but it's really just been mostly good luck.  I happened to have pretty easy professors and great groups to work with.  
    What has really given me the most anxiety about school is having a list of things that is not done.  I get the schedule and I want the entire year done in the first two weeks.  I can't think of anything else till its all at least written.  I've lowered my personal anxiety some but pretty much forcing myself to chill out about not having assignments done four months in advance.  Still, it has been weighing on my mind.
    The program is three years long and the last 1.5 years is really the meat of the deal.  I am excited to dive into clinicals head first.  This summer semester I am tacking Pharm and expect to get mentally beat up pretty good.  
 

::2014 in review::

 January was a crazy time last year.  We got snowed in - as in unable to escape - for four days.  Thankfully I had recently been to the store and we did not loose power.  

I am so glad to see Bruno in this header.  He died in summer of 2014, and we miss his handsome face and hard work. 

 The boys had a big pirate birthday party in early Feb.  Quinny turned two and Max turned 6.

 

Emma turned 16 at the end of March.  She is turning into a trustworthy and kind adult. 

We got a rainbow of baby chicks that the kids had too much fun playing with.  

 

 Lily was in the play "Little Mermaid" as an eel.

We started a great tradition of Funday Sunday, which has become something I really look forward to.  My Sunday time with the short kids.  

In May Josh and I went to Disney for a long weekend just the two of us.  

We got two new kittens since our ancient barn cat had to be put down.  These two new barn cats have an endless amount of tolerance.

We survived our first adult sheep sheering year.  The amount of wool was insane.  

The kids finished up school.  Max - kindergarten.  Lily - 4th grade.  Emma - sophomore. 

    

 We rented a cabin with the entire Schaefer family and had a little vacation.

The kids showed at fair again, with great success.

 We had a really pretty August here in central Indiana.  

It was a great garden year.  

Lily and Beak carefully hatched out two new home bred chicks.

Max started first grade, Lily is in 5th, and Emma is a Junior.   

I started my first year of grad school. 

 Lily had a large art party for her 11th birthday. 

 Josh got to hunt more than he usually does, which had put several deer in my freezer.  

We got a new farm dog.  His name is Augustus Walter, and I adore him.  He is already around 45 pounds right now, and should mature to about 150.   

 We got to see both my siblings and their families for Thanksgiving.

I finished out my first semester of grad school.

::grad school::

  There is just a great deal going down around the Funny Farm right now.  Big news here - and if your mind jumped to another human baby SHAME ON YOU!!!  No more human babies.  Seriously - not feeling any pull to have another one.  Quinn and his mission of mass destruction finishes off the family perfectly, thank you very much.  No - the big news is I have started back to grad school.

Cause I don't have enough on my plate.

Cause I am a lunatic.

Cause I can't hold still.

Cause I am trying to make adult choices when all I want to do is really sleep in every day.
            maybe not every day.  Just twice a week.

   It all came to this - I love/hate this job of mine.  About three years ago I left my poor paying but well loved job at St Vincent hospital and jumped into the deep end of the unknown.  I joined the resourse team at a totally different network of hospitals.  I float between three different hospitals on three different corners of the city.  I am managed by a team of people that have not actually touched a patient in years and have never worked with babies in their entire carrier.  They know zero about what I do.  They call me with bizarre requests and odd statements.  I love the patients.  I love the adventure of going to different units all the time and learning new things.  I recently came off orientation to post partum and I am loving my interaction with all these little new parents.  In all honestly I also benefit from the large pay raise that being on resource has brought to my life.  I wish that was a non factor but my pay increased by about 50% with the new job, which is hard to ignore.  Some people get very annoyed about the floating from unit to unit all the time and not having a real "home".  I don't mind that for a second.  I kind of like having one big giant network wide family.  I often get called at 5am and told - you got canceled from North but South ED is going to use you.  I have to make sure I have the kids dropped off and am at south by 7am.  It seems like two hours would be plenty of time to do that, but it is often very stressful.  The negative parts are that my hours are not guaranteed.  I am the first one to get canceled if they don't have enough patients on the unit that day.  I get no benefits, so if I don't work I don't get paid.  I am expected to be very flexible in order to make my living.  If I get canceled on Monday, Tuesday,  and Wednesday I am expected to reorganize myself to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  I do not technically HAVE to do that, but if I would like to get paid I better.  There is also no further chance for growth in this job.  I may never get a pay raise.  I already do a ridiculous amount of units - I can't take on another one.  (I do NICU, special care nursery, post partum, and emergency room at north - east - and south.  That ends up being NINE total units.)  I have come to the point in the last six months that I realized that I can't do resource team forever.  It's too unpredictable in the income and it's too half ass in the management.  I need a way out, but it's not as simple as just hiring on somewhere else.  I can't make what I am making anywhere else.

     I have considered grad school for at least the last five years.  I never found the perfect fit.  Finally after watching how practitioners are hired and having some time to work with adults I decided that Family Nurse Practitioner was the right fit for me.  Below is my grad school application essay which is a good summary of how I came to this decision and why -

My husband, children and I live on a farm in Lebanon.  When my children were small we started going to a local practice that was run by an elderly doctor and a few of his partners.  He hired a vibrant Nurse Practitioner, named Jan Carnagie, and encouraged us to start seeing her.  Jan was a hero to me from the start.  I was considering going to nursing school at that time and she was very encouraging.  Jan stayed with that practice for several years and took wonderful care of my husband, my children and me.   Eventually Jan moved on to other things, but she left a long term impression on me about providing top notch care coupled with good patient education.
    Eventually I did get my RN degree and got my license.  I had to travel down my own winding path to figure out which specialty was right for me.   As I have gone through my nursing career I have looked several times at going back to school, but I never felt like I had found the perfect fit.  My first nursing job as a Newborn Intensive Care nurse taught me a great deal about infant and women’s health, but I knew that Neonatal Nurse Practitioner was too narrow for me in the long term.   After having my own children I thought that Pediatrics as a specialty might be the correct route for me, but I really enjoyed my limited interactions with adult patients and I felt that Pediatrics would potentially be limiting as well.  By that point in my career I decided that I wanted to take a risk and really branch out far from my comfort zone in the NICU, I wanted to work in an Emergency Room that saw all ages and kinds of patients.
    I left St. Vincent and took a job with the Community Hospital Resource Team that utilized my training as a NICU nurse but also cross trained me to Emergency medicine. It was a good fit and that first year of training was a whirlwind of learning and growth. I have really enjoyed my interactions with the variety of people that I have worked with in the Emergency Department.  My experiences on the float team with all different ages have helped me to decide that I think Family practice in my best fit.
   As a Family Nurse Practitioner I hope to work with underserved populations, rural or urban, in a primary care model.  I want to be on the front line of teaching people how to better take care of themselves and to be better advocates for their dependents.   I would love to eventually find a job with in my rural community but my time at Community East has taught me that I enjoy helping urban populations as well.  In my career I have found that I get the most personal satisfaction from helping people that need me the most.   It is very important to me to get a job where I can help high risk groups of patients.    



     Now comes the hard part - actually doing it.  I have just started the summer prereq course and it is giving me a beat down.  Just navigating the various systems and requirements to take this online class is like watching my grandmother try to use an iPhone.  I don't get it.  I have been out of school 8 years and things have changed fast.  You log on to this website that no one told me about then click on button on the third page which actually sends you the class site which them makes you pay $95 dollars to buy a digital book (why would a digital book be so expensive??) which you don't actually need then you to homework that would don't understand but you get three chances to do it right then it only counts for 30% of your grade anyway and the midterm and final make up the rest of your grade but no pressure because if you screw this up you only have to keep doing your dead end job forever and you might loose your mind and the kids are super supportive of this whole new studying thing but Josh is trying like crazy to help and you know you shouldn't be so stressed about it but you can't bring it back because your fuse is super short and you are wondering if you have finally gone too far and actually taken on more than you can chew.

~deep breathing
 
Thanks - 

     I needed to get that out.  I always struggle with transitions.  I get spinning out of control and can't see that some life situations take time let life adjust around.  Having a new baby takes time to let the rest of your life fall in around it.  School right now feels as invasive in my life as having another baby would be.  It's ruling over my brain even when I am not working on it.  I need to keep trucking and let myself fall into a new normal.  Let life fall into place as it always does.  Remain disciplined about my weight (down 25lbs!) and remain disciplined about forcing myself to not let the stressors affect my relationships with Josh and the shorties.  Prioritize and calm down.

~more deep breathing

Did I mention county fair is in less than a month?  Crap.  I have some list making to do and calmness to force myself into.

::2013 headers in review::

 

::keeping it real::

Christmas stresses me out. 

It's a fact.  Over the last few years, and not really by choice, I have forced myself to have a personal transformation into one frugal chick.   Mostly by learning the hard way I have become ridiculously cheap.  OK - not to the point that we are reusing toilet paper or rewashing plastic McDonald's cups but still far removed from the girl that used to drop $200+ at Target just because "it had been awhile and I deserved it".  (That is an actual quote - what an idiot I was with money.) 

We have a few loops holes in our quest for frugality.  When it comes to Disney World we still go pretty big.  We look for ways to save money every time - and I still get a buzz when I feel like I found a money corner to cut without sacrificing fun.  But we spend money differently at Disney.  More freely, more accepting of it.  But we plan for it, and it is a special treat.  A rare event.  One week out of every year or so.  A time to not count every penny but just spend the hard earned cash we have in our wallet.  It is a group effort and takes serious planning.     

But Christmas... Some how it always seems to sneak up on me.  If you have worked with me in the last few years and you have children I have asked you about how you do Christmas.  I am honestly really curious, I am doing a personal survey for my own thesis in my head.  Do you buy each kid the same number of present?  Spend the same amount of money?  Just throw caution in to the wind and go shopping?  Everybody has a different strategy figured out, it seems to depend on money + age of kids + age gaps of those kids + religion.  My most religious friends seem to really dislike the gluttony of Christmas.  They want their children to be more focused on the religious part of it all.  I have even heard of each child only getting three presents - something about that Jesus only got three presents from the wise men.  It's not a bad strategy.  Keep it simple.  I am here to tell you that you can always go bigger but it would be pretty hard to go smaller. 

For us - I want our kids to have that full shock freak out moment when they come around the corner and see all the presents and just want to flip out with how many have their name on them.  I want them to live like rich kids for the day and roll around like little gluttonous fools.    It doesn't go along with the financially conservative person that I have become.  It doesn't go along with the parent I strive to be - a person who says no when it needs to be said.  No, you can't have candy in the check out line.  No you can't eat cake for breakfast (FINE - that a lie, I said yes to that.)  No you can't stuff your face or be mean or be selfish or be hurtful or be lazy.  All my kids actually know the word - glutton.  "Did you eat that whole bag of chips?  Do not be gluttonous!"  We talk about it.  I warn them about it, usually I am talking about food but they know it in the context of material things too.  We talk about that after a certain comfort and safety level money can not make you happy.  So what about Christmas?  What about over the top birthday parties?  How can I justify that?  I don't know.  I guess some times you just need a little break from being good.  A little break.  A LITTLE one.  It's like a pressure relief value.  Does that make any sense or am I just being a big hypocrite?  I have no background to base this on.  I came from a family of emotional neglect and material gluttony (I had the best shoes, kind of miss them some times) and I know that wasn't the way my kids where going to grow up.  Even if money wasn't the issue I still wouldn't give my kids all the stuff they wanted but not the attention they craved. 

Now, back to the money part of it all.  Our money situation gets better all the time.  Both Josh and I have had great luck in the last few years with improvements in our earning abilities.  It has been a major blessing, but our hard learned frugality has been our greatest weapon against the debt that still haunts us from our late twenties.  Yet, every month we chip away at it.  And minus stupid medical bills (Lily with a broken tooth and her broken arm), we are not taking on more debt.  But then Christmas rolls around.  We talk about a budget, we try to figure out how we can get to that point.  And we never do.  We are never ready.  My intentions are always good.  I will but a certain amount of money aside from each check into a Christmas account so by November first I have the money I will need.  And then more important stuff rolls around and I am still hustling to work overtime to pay for Christmas.  Which then leads back to the idea of gluttony.  If we were not so excessive with Christmas, then it wouldn't be such a financial burden and we would be making even more forward progress on our debt.

I guess it all comes down to this - is Christmas one of those super fun pressure release times (like Disney or birthday parties) or does it cause the pressure to build?  What is the solution?  I couldn't deal with the idea of those kids seeing the presents and being disappointed.  These little people being young and all home for Christmas is limited.  You only have them to yourself for so long before they have their own families.  Maybe my best solution is to really have more discipline about saving more ahead of time.  A locked in, can not be touched Christmas cash envelope.  Seems like financial stresses always have a way of being solved if I just go back to the basic idea of cash only and discipline.  Sometimes I want to just go blow $200 a Target on nothing I really needed.  Being a grow up can be so boring.  Good thing it comes with so many bonuses.

I have a pretty good idea of peoples different strategies of how you buy presents.  Now I need an idea of how you save for Christmas.  How far out are you setting money aside?  Do you put it all on a credit card and pay it off latter?  What do you do?

A totally unrelated picture of Max.  Just to lighten the mood. 

     

::goals are fluid::

Every year around January I make a grand list.  An insane list.  Even I know its not possible.  But I get super overly optimistic and I decide that we are going to get 4 million things done around here.  Link here to see this years LAUGHABLE list.  Then spring actually comes around and reality hits.  We have to prioritize.  Money is always a big factor.  We are on a strict budget.  STRICT.  We are on a debt payment play that in less than two years will have us unsecured debt free.  Which is our first goal.  From there we will have so much more freedom financially.  Freedom to do stuff like update our from my college house furniture, and actually buy a set of plates instead of eating off picnic ware.  Till then - we have be very careful with what projects we take on.  We made the mistake once of gutting one of our bathrooms thinking we would slowly put it back together.  It still sits about 25% done three years latter because we have such limited money for remodeling.  But enough about boring old money.

We have squeaked out some more projects around here recently.  For Mothers Day Josh built me a grape arbor.  It is so pretty.  I just love it.  Plus - if you can manage to get anything of substance done while you are home with all four kids than you deserve an award.  The highest strand on this arbor is about six feet tall.  Plenty on up space for the little grapies (made up word for short grapes) to grow into.  We have four grapes in right now and we will just keep adding.  I think we will have around 12 total when it is all planted and done.  The spaces on the ends leave me room to plant interesting gourds for the fall.  I think this arbor is going to bring me lots of joy.  

 The Orchard Garden is done.  Planted.  The end.  I will post an updated plan on it soon.  The Cottage Garden is also completely planted too.  Again - I used their plans as a guide and then got out there and did what ever the krunk I wanted.  I love how they are turning out.  Don't tell anyone, but once we got past the flood we have had perfect weather for my garden.  If it can just keep up a little longer then everything will be ready for the crazy late summer heat.  

The play ground is done.  DONE!  It looks so good.  I didn't even realize how bad it looked till it was finished.  This one was all Josh's call and he was right.  You heard it here - he was right.  Plus, the kids LOVED the dump truck that brought in the mulch.  Josh did not.  He looked at it as a big pile of being over worked.  I hired a few of the neighbor boys to come help him since many hands make light work - and this Mama had to go save some babies.  (Really I was just snuggling a few almost ready to go home babies.) 

His team picture - they told him to make a tough face

Max is still playing with rocks while fielding in baseball.  He has zero interest in anything that is actually related to baseball.  This has led me to and new parenting rule - if I think the kids are on the line between being ready for something or not I will go with not ready and try again when I am SURE they are ready.  Cause Curly is not ready.  For sure.  


Now back to my original goals for this year.  Some of them were good.  Some of them were crazy.  
Still possible for this year:
Two new apple trees
Fix up the outhouse
Hammock

For the future:
New pasture
Potato box
Front of house, bedroom side garden beds placed
Fix up dog houses
Tons of strawberry's
  
Still needs done this year:
Trim all trees
Brace peach trees
Weed kill fence lines
Get horses to Dad's to rest my pasture
Clean the gutters and patch the roof

::tips for a kid/baby in the hospital::

I have been thinking recently about how to help parents deal with the stressful situation of their child being in the hospital.  Here are few tips that come immediately to mind.  Some of these stem from being the nurse and some come from being the mother, but I hope they can help some one get through the overly consuming stresses of helping your child get healthy.  

Be Freaking Nice:  If your baby or child is in the hospital this is not the happy event that you were hoping to be doing this week/month/year.  It sucks.  Your pissed, annoyed, and potentially fighting with your spouse because of the emotional/financial stressors this is all causing for you.  Things are not good for you right now.  But your kid needs you.  So be nice to those nurses.  Be lovable to them.  Nurses who take care of kids are almost always women and are usually very maternal people by their nature.  Use that.  Make us love you.  I'm not talking about bringing in candy every day (but that doesn't hurt), I'm taking about making us your allies.  Ask us who is the best doctor.  Ask us what we would do if it was our kid.  Use the insider tips we have about a night shift attending that might be an idiot.  We may not be able to make it all 100% clear but we will push you in the right direction.  We know whats going on - we deal with these Dr.'s every day.  If we have even a grain of connection with you we are going to give your child extra attention.  Maybe not on purpose, but it always seems to work out that way.  We are going to fight harder for you behind the scenes.  Talk to us.  Make yourself a partner with us.  Don't pick fights with us.  We are trying to help your family.  Keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  It's true.  If you are the primo mom bitch of the unit, we will consider it punishment to be given your child as our assignment for the day.  I will still give your child good care, but I will not want you back the next day - nor with anyone else.  In the long run this disjointed care leads to a lower over all quality of care.     

Ban the students:  Nursing students are not the bad ones.  They come in for one day or so at a time, and they are mostly just doing observation.  I have had a nursing student at three out of my four deliveries.  On Max she was holding my right leg by the end.  The students that are problems are med students and residents.  Doctors have to learn.  I can not even imagine how difficult it is to learn to be a doctor - but get out of my kids room.  As the parent you have the right to ban all residents from your child's care.   Do it nicely and do it the second you walk into the hospital.  Tell the first person you see, "Please no residents or med students."  Its that easy.  Just say it.  You will never regret you did.  Don't be rude - don't do it in anger after the bad experiences you are destined to have with a resident.  Be proactive about banning med students and residents.  I am always a big wimp about doing that and it almost bought me an emergency hysterectomy once.  Let them learn on some one else.    

Child Life:  This is one of the many good reasons to take your child to a pediatric hospital.  Child Life Specialists are people who specialize in playing with kids.  They are not medical staff.  Their job is to go around and help kids deal mentally with the procedures that are going to be done to them.  For example the nurse came in and put lidocaine cream on Lily's hand and left it to soak in for awhile.  When she came back to place the IV the Child Life person came in with her.  She told Lily all about what was going to happen.  Then while the nurse placed the IV she showed Lily a flip book and asked her rapid fire questions about the visual puzzles on the page.  The IV was in before Lily really even knew it was going.  No tears, no problem.  The hospital I work at recently hired a Child Life Specialist.  (Which makes me love them even more.)  I ADORE HER!!!  She comes in and preps the kid mentally for me to place the IV, or what ever else I may have to do.  Then she and the kid plays with bubble wrap while I pop in that IV.  No tears, no trama.  The whole world is a better place with child life.  If the child sees the equipment ahead of time and is not afraid of it then they have a totally different experience.   

IV's and painful procedures:
I promise you that we crazy NICU and peds nurses do not want to hurt kids.  Pinky swear.  We as nurses have the choice of were to work.  We might "end up" as a med surg nurse, but you don't "end up" as a NICU/peds nurse.  You chose that field.  Which generally means you desire to help these little people.  Just like adults - some kids have great or easy veins and some kids are not so blessed.  If your kid has been cursed with crappy veins - I am sorry.  The unfair truth of it is that your child will suffer more IV sticks than the easy veined kid.  But not all people attempted the IV placement are created equal.  Nurses have what we call "the two stick rule."  We get to try two times to get an IV, if we can't get it over those two sticks we need to stop and find someone else to try.  Some days I am the go to IV stick person and some days I can't hit the side of a barn.  Not every nurse follows the two stick rule, and there are some very rare exceptions to this rule (codes for instance).  But if you see the same nurse try to stick your child four times, you need to NICELY say some thing about it.  "Thanks for trying to get her IV in.  Is there any body else here tonight that might be able to give it a try?"  Do not say, "You stupid ass hole!  If you stick my kid one more time and miss, I will kill you."  That is a quote that a dad said to a Dr once - true story.

Make a plan:  Every time you get face to face time with the doc have your questions prepared.  Keep a notebook and write down questions as they come to you.  Write down notes after they leave the room about what they just told you.  Ask them to spell bizarre words for you or have them tell you what abbreviations stand for.  If you are not medical and you know what PVL stands for - I will give you $100.  You don't want the doc to leave the building for the day and then remember your important question.  You are not getting tons of sleep usually, so use that notebook to keep yourself organized.    Use your time away from them to get online and look up more information about what is going on with your child.  Take the things you get off the internet with a grain of salt.  Just because one site has a story about a 22 week baby that weighed 350gram that they say "turned out fine" doesn't mean it went down just like that.  In NICU I find some of the first questions I always get from parents are "When can she go home?"   and "Is he circumcised yet?".  This is usually from a family that is so shell shocked that they don't know what to ask yet.  Keep asking these silly questions and a good nursing staff will help educate you into some better questions.  
PS - the questions about going home is not that silly, it leads to a good conversation about what a baby needs to do to go home.  But think more short term, like - Is my baby breathing on her own?  How is my baby getting nutrition?  What do you hope to see from her today?  What is the next big improvement we can be watching for?  The circ question, however, is a silly question.  When a baby is hanging on to life with white knuckles lets focus on that issue before we look at elective procedures.

Pain Meds:  Any time I work with kiddos that need pain meds parents become immediately concerned about addiction.  That is a realistic concern.  BUT - we never give narcotic pain meds to babies or children unless they are essential.  Addiction does happen.  We sometimes have to wean a baby/child off of those pain medicines.  Ask lots of questions about these medicines, you need to be informed.  But if a child is suffering severe pain they deserve the hardcore stuff to deal with it.  We will help them deal with the physical withdraw after their life is no longer in danger.  With babies this kind of withdraw can be no problem, quick and easy - or I have seen some kids that were addicted to pain meds need more time to wean off.  We will help keep you educated and informed, but ask us lots of questions.  Every kiddo is different.  
This does not relate to kids that are born addicted to drugs the mother took.  That kind of withdraw is totally different and makes me want to punch the birth mothers in the face.  Those kids suffer.  They scream, they arch, they are very difficult to soothe.  We give both kinds of kids the the same kinds of drugs to wean them off, usually methadone at my old job or morphine at my current job.  It just seems to me that USUALLY the kiddos born addicted via good old crack head mom take longer to wean.  I can think of an exception or two, but in my general experience that is how it rolls.

These tips are just a few that come to mind.  They are not going to cover everything you may encounter in your baby's or child's hospital stay.  I am hoping they will help you at least get started in the right direction.  When Lily was last in the hospital I put out an all points bulletin on facebook.  My medical and some non-medical friends were sending me tips and thoughts all day long.  It was wonderful.  I felt like I had my own personal consultation group on hand.  Not every one has access to such a broad group of medical professionals, so utilize your resources.  Ask questions, be organized, and BE NICE.  Please be nice.  Except when drunks yell at me in ER and I crack up laughing, please please please - BE NICE.

::art area shrinks and FOR SALE update::

 

This is what the art supply area used to look like.

Full of fun.

But with our effort to move I had to condense it down.  Now we are just in this cabinet and a big rubber maid tub in the laundry room.
I miss the art supplies.
I hate having them put away.  
This is something I will majorly enjoy fixing once things here get settled down...

Which seems like a good segway into a Farm For Sale Update.

This place was a major pain to get decluttered  - but we did it.  It really looks great.  But as a wise father of mine once said, "You can't polish a turd."  The land is amazing, but the house is a loveable - like a mother loves a child.  You love it because it is yours.  Except my kids, because anyone would love love gorgeous creatures.  
Back on focus - the house.  
We have made the house look as good as it can.  Its been for sale for three weeks.  We got one showing.  They said, "Great land, house is too small."  The end.  No other interest since.  They did say the price was fair, and judging by the rest of the market I think that is true.  I feel like the price reflects the TLC that the house needs to make it updated.  If kitchens and bathrooms really do sell houses, then this place will never sell.  
If this house sold as priced right now we would walk away with nothing, but we wouldn't owe anything either - if you are feeling like a glass half full kind on person.  That would be fine with me.  I would call that a do over and move on.  But if things progress and we end up having to short sale we are getting majorly different reports.  A mortgage guy we have worked with before just about threw up when I brought it up to him.  He said it would be seven years till we could do anything after this place was sold.  He said it was a terrible idea.  Our real estate agent, who some days I love and some days I doubt a bit, makes it sound like a total cake walk.  I don't mind a rental after this house for a little while.  (I define "little while" as less than two years)  That would give us a chance to finish repairing the damage our spendy 20's caused us.  Now that we live in our frugal 30's.  Hopefully followed by our secure 40's and 50's and relaxing 60's-100's.
Again - I shoot off on a tangent.  
I just want some one who actual knows to come over and say - here is what you do so you sell this farm ASAP and move in to a cute little rental.  Where you can then buy a piece of land with in six months and put up barns right away.  Then in a year you can build a modest little house and get going on all your crazy homesteading ideas.  Every time I think I found someone that I can utilize to get this information I find out I didn't understand all the details.  
Like sand through the hour glass so are the days of our lives.  

PS - no unicorn here.  I am not whining.  Things are over all 95% wonderful.  I love Josh and he loves me.  The kids are mostly healthy and thriving.  I still get to live on this farm for now.  We are making financial progress every month.  

Then all the sudden I stop typing and look out the window.  Look at this pretty place.
Doubt creeps in.
Should we even move at all? 
Yes - we need to move up to the in laws.
But... this house.  
It's so loveable. 

::future homestead dreams::

photo credit

Side note - if you missed it, we are moving.  Moving closer to my inlaws and our support system.  This will be a good thing for the kiddos but we came to this choice suddenly and kind of against our will.  My current feeling is excited, but that ranges to anxiety-fear-mania-etc.  

To distract myself from the stressors of packing, staging, cleaning, purging, and selling this farm I have been day dreaming about the next one.

What do I want from the next place?

I want a house that is at least four real bedrooms and 2.5 baths.  Emma and Lily can share when Emma visits us.  I want a once story ranch with a future bonus room over the garage.  I want a mud room that is large enough for this family.  I would happily trade a dinning room for a big mud room.  We need two living spaces.  One as a play room and one as a grownup room.  I crave a screened in porch to enjoy the outside.  I want a garage.  A real live garage where I can not get rained on.  The house itself doesn't have to be fancy.  We are dreaming of being able to build but that may hinge on how this house sells.

I would love to have some kind of pool for the kids.  Nothing crazy, but something fun.  With two little guys coming up I really want a basketball court.  This may sound extreme but I am not talking about bleachers, just a cement slab for the kids to play on.  

I want to basically repeat my current cottage garden, just a slightly different configuration.  Size wise it is just about perfect.  I want an herb garden near the house, small green house somewhere, and cold frames near by.  I have loved having a messy garden.  Somewhere out of sight that can just grow and almost never gets weeded.  The perfect place to grow things like watermelons.  I just read an article about raising winter hogs in your empty messy garden.  They eat all the weeds and fertilize the ground.  That might be something.

When it comes to animals I need a small barn, nothing like what I have.  Just somewhere to birth baby goats and stable a hurt horse when needed.  With a hayloft for storage.  Maybe - or maybe not.  I love the idea of a farm with lots of little out buildings instead of a character free big pole barn.  I also want my pasture setup to reflect rotational grazing and multiple uses.   

In an ideal world the animals situation would be:
         
Pasture and housing for - Donkey and two horses,  a few future freezer cows, several mini goats, at least one mini goat buck, a handful of sheep (look up Icelandic sheep-they are so rad), and the random creature of the year (like a lama or something)
          
I would like a chicken coop with a run, but also a chicken tractor to move around my garden to aid the soil
          
A pig pen of some sort with secure fencing as I here they are escape artists (or bull dozers since they just push everything down.)

And lets not forget those beehives that I can't wait to learn about

All my creatures are for fun, 4H, or the freezer.  The horses and goats don't need anything fancy and the freezer meat needs humanity and quality of life to be considered.  What tips or experience do you guys have with setting up a farmyard?  With home building?  With all the antics I am dreaming of?

 
      

::some for sale pictures::

 I am working on pictures for the house add.

We are using a realtor but I am just so controlling that I wanted to take the pictures myself.

Staging for the sake of a picture has been an adventure.  

 I have had some really good help cleaning out my closet.

 My room has never looked like this for more than 30 seconds.

And yes my bed is on the ground.  

We broke the bed frame.

Interpret that however you want.

 And the kids room has never been this empty.

 And the playroom...

Seriously - it only looked like this from one spot for about 45 seconds.

 Do you think that the pellet stove is a selling point?

An alternative heating source and all that jazz?

 If you pan slightly right this is what you would see in the playroom picture.

 I was standing on the green chair when I took the "clean" pictures.

I have found the start of this staging/purging process to be renewing.  

I got rid of eight trash bags of things to be donate and four trash bags of just straight trash.  

Every game or puzzle that is missing a piece is out.

All the stinking happy meal toys, all the crap they never play with - gone.  

It has been freeing.

I will never get down to a minimalist category but I am creeping toward my goal of getting rid of at least a third (pushing for half) of our stuff.  

Today we do the art room into a dinning room and the family room.

I may need a dumpster. 

::a farm walk with my camera::

 Some one got loose.

And by "got loose" I mean I took pity on the girls and let them out.

They look so bored.

And since my melon patch did not grow AT ALL, there really isn't anything that the girls can destroy. I think.

I don't mind sharing a few tomatoes with them. 

I started this spring with 7 chickens and am now down to two.

Our neighborhood fox had quads this year.  She deserved to steal a chicken dinner or five.

 But does this girl have to flaunt her freedom in my face?

 Watching her reminded me of a bad habit of mine...

When I weed my garden I just throw the weeds out of the garden.

The area around the garden often looks like this.

And why is that blue bucket on the fence?

This is a broccoli plant that never actually made broccoli.  

Odd.

 But look how pretty my front tomatoes are.

The zinnia's like to play with them.  

They are buddies.

 My bell peppers are going crazy.

Crazy.  No joke.

Now I have to deal with the fact that I don't really like peppers.  

What a bad farmer I am.

I am going to try some new pepper recipes this year.

I grow peppers just cause I think they are pretty.

See my few surviving watermelons?

The back patch is the one that didn't grow.  I got a few out of the front.

I just raked up the empty spots and put in some late peas, spinach, lettuce, and cilantro.  

What a perfect little sanctuary of color.

I love this garden.

But I am still looking forward to doing it all over again.

Not any bigger.  The size is just right, but better spacing.  

You'll see.

I already have a plan.

I didn't plant this zinnia.  It is from last year.  

I wish I knew what kind it was.  It is so luscious.  

 Here are the tomatoes in the back corner.

Notice they are falling over.

I have got to get some hard core no joke kick butt cages.

Or make some. 

Or get some really long T=posts and go back to doing the Floridia Weave.

Which sounds like a dance move, but it not.

Yet. 

 Here is the friend of the other broccoli I pulled out.  I left him.  He looks healthier.  

Maybe I will get some broccoli from him yet.

 A row of sunflowers fell over and took out the rainbow mailbox.

They were jealous of his fancy paint job.

I cut them out with hedge clippers.  

And put the mailbox right back up.

Don't mess with my rainbow mailbox or I will cut you.

 What about this beast?

I have about 100 million carrots ready.

I guess I better make baby food.

Or take them to work and let other people eat them.  

Seriously, we would turn orange if we ate this many carrots.

 Another random zinnia growing where they were not planted. 

I just love zinnias. 

 I started cleaning out my barn to get ready for the big move.

What a hot mess.  

I spent about two hours total and took at 8 bags of trash.

Mess.

 Look who likes the carrots best.

 And speaking of a hot mess.

A dirt lot just can't look great by its very nature.

If this pony wasn't on a dirt lot he would founder to death.

But - that lot is so ugly.  

Like the chicken in the background?

 I did clean out the dog run and the small goat run.

They like it.

Lily and I are going to a goat show this weekend.  

We will be picking up one of our two bucks we are getting. 

I am excited.  

 Our hay for this year is sitting on the wagon ready to be unloaded.  

We are hoping Max gets old enough to do that chore ASAP.

 Look who I found on the front porch.  

Hiding from Max and enjoying nature.  

 And a random golf ball hidden in my rosemary and oregano patch.

 Still working on a plan, but there is a chance that this barn dog is not going to be able to move with us.  Our lab is old and crippled, she will be able to go with us, but this guy needs a farm to work. 

Anybody want him?  Poor Bruno.  

And here is all the laundry from the barn that needs to be done.

At the laundry mat.

Because its gross stuff.

Used to dry off wet horses, goats, and dogs. 

It smells wonderful.