::tips for a kid/baby in the hospital::

I have been thinking recently about how to help parents deal with the stressful situation of their child being in the hospital.  Here are few tips that come immediately to mind.  Some of these stem from being the nurse and some come from being the mother, but I hope they can help some one get through the overly consuming stresses of helping your child get healthy.  

Be Freaking Nice:  If your baby or child is in the hospital this is not the happy event that you were hoping to be doing this week/month/year.  It sucks.  Your pissed, annoyed, and potentially fighting with your spouse because of the emotional/financial stressors this is all causing for you.  Things are not good for you right now.  But your kid needs you.  So be nice to those nurses.  Be lovable to them.  Nurses who take care of kids are almost always women and are usually very maternal people by their nature.  Use that.  Make us love you.  I'm not talking about bringing in candy every day (but that doesn't hurt), I'm taking about making us your allies.  Ask us who is the best doctor.  Ask us what we would do if it was our kid.  Use the insider tips we have about a night shift attending that might be an idiot.  We may not be able to make it all 100% clear but we will push you in the right direction.  We know whats going on - we deal with these Dr.'s every day.  If we have even a grain of connection with you we are going to give your child extra attention.  Maybe not on purpose, but it always seems to work out that way.  We are going to fight harder for you behind the scenes.  Talk to us.  Make yourself a partner with us.  Don't pick fights with us.  We are trying to help your family.  Keep in mind that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  It's true.  If you are the primo mom bitch of the unit, we will consider it punishment to be given your child as our assignment for the day.  I will still give your child good care, but I will not want you back the next day - nor with anyone else.  In the long run this disjointed care leads to a lower over all quality of care.     

Ban the students:  Nursing students are not the bad ones.  They come in for one day or so at a time, and they are mostly just doing observation.  I have had a nursing student at three out of my four deliveries.  On Max she was holding my right leg by the end.  The students that are problems are med students and residents.  Doctors have to learn.  I can not even imagine how difficult it is to learn to be a doctor - but get out of my kids room.  As the parent you have the right to ban all residents from your child's care.   Do it nicely and do it the second you walk into the hospital.  Tell the first person you see, "Please no residents or med students."  Its that easy.  Just say it.  You will never regret you did.  Don't be rude - don't do it in anger after the bad experiences you are destined to have with a resident.  Be proactive about banning med students and residents.  I am always a big wimp about doing that and it almost bought me an emergency hysterectomy once.  Let them learn on some one else.    

Child Life:  This is one of the many good reasons to take your child to a pediatric hospital.  Child Life Specialists are people who specialize in playing with kids.  They are not medical staff.  Their job is to go around and help kids deal mentally with the procedures that are going to be done to them.  For example the nurse came in and put lidocaine cream on Lily's hand and left it to soak in for awhile.  When she came back to place the IV the Child Life person came in with her.  She told Lily all about what was going to happen.  Then while the nurse placed the IV she showed Lily a flip book and asked her rapid fire questions about the visual puzzles on the page.  The IV was in before Lily really even knew it was going.  No tears, no problem.  The hospital I work at recently hired a Child Life Specialist.  (Which makes me love them even more.)  I ADORE HER!!!  She comes in and preps the kid mentally for me to place the IV, or what ever else I may have to do.  Then she and the kid plays with bubble wrap while I pop in that IV.  No tears, no trama.  The whole world is a better place with child life.  If the child sees the equipment ahead of time and is not afraid of it then they have a totally different experience.   

IV's and painful procedures:
I promise you that we crazy NICU and peds nurses do not want to hurt kids.  Pinky swear.  We as nurses have the choice of were to work.  We might "end up" as a med surg nurse, but you don't "end up" as a NICU/peds nurse.  You chose that field.  Which generally means you desire to help these little people.  Just like adults - some kids have great or easy veins and some kids are not so blessed.  If your kid has been cursed with crappy veins - I am sorry.  The unfair truth of it is that your child will suffer more IV sticks than the easy veined kid.  But not all people attempted the IV placement are created equal.  Nurses have what we call "the two stick rule."  We get to try two times to get an IV, if we can't get it over those two sticks we need to stop and find someone else to try.  Some days I am the go to IV stick person and some days I can't hit the side of a barn.  Not every nurse follows the two stick rule, and there are some very rare exceptions to this rule (codes for instance).  But if you see the same nurse try to stick your child four times, you need to NICELY say some thing about it.  "Thanks for trying to get her IV in.  Is there any body else here tonight that might be able to give it a try?"  Do not say, "You stupid ass hole!  If you stick my kid one more time and miss, I will kill you."  That is a quote that a dad said to a Dr once - true story.

Make a plan:  Every time you get face to face time with the doc have your questions prepared.  Keep a notebook and write down questions as they come to you.  Write down notes after they leave the room about what they just told you.  Ask them to spell bizarre words for you or have them tell you what abbreviations stand for.  If you are not medical and you know what PVL stands for - I will give you $100.  You don't want the doc to leave the building for the day and then remember your important question.  You are not getting tons of sleep usually, so use that notebook to keep yourself organized.    Use your time away from them to get online and look up more information about what is going on with your child.  Take the things you get off the internet with a grain of salt.  Just because one site has a story about a 22 week baby that weighed 350gram that they say "turned out fine" doesn't mean it went down just like that.  In NICU I find some of the first questions I always get from parents are "When can she go home?"   and "Is he circumcised yet?".  This is usually from a family that is so shell shocked that they don't know what to ask yet.  Keep asking these silly questions and a good nursing staff will help educate you into some better questions.  
PS - the questions about going home is not that silly, it leads to a good conversation about what a baby needs to do to go home.  But think more short term, like - Is my baby breathing on her own?  How is my baby getting nutrition?  What do you hope to see from her today?  What is the next big improvement we can be watching for?  The circ question, however, is a silly question.  When a baby is hanging on to life with white knuckles lets focus on that issue before we look at elective procedures.

Pain Meds:  Any time I work with kiddos that need pain meds parents become immediately concerned about addiction.  That is a realistic concern.  BUT - we never give narcotic pain meds to babies or children unless they are essential.  Addiction does happen.  We sometimes have to wean a baby/child off of those pain medicines.  Ask lots of questions about these medicines, you need to be informed.  But if a child is suffering severe pain they deserve the hardcore stuff to deal with it.  We will help them deal with the physical withdraw after their life is no longer in danger.  With babies this kind of withdraw can be no problem, quick and easy - or I have seen some kids that were addicted to pain meds need more time to wean off.  We will help keep you educated and informed, but ask us lots of questions.  Every kiddo is different.  
This does not relate to kids that are born addicted to drugs the mother took.  That kind of withdraw is totally different and makes me want to punch the birth mothers in the face.  Those kids suffer.  They scream, they arch, they are very difficult to soothe.  We give both kinds of kids the the same kinds of drugs to wean them off, usually methadone at my old job or morphine at my current job.  It just seems to me that USUALLY the kiddos born addicted via good old crack head mom take longer to wean.  I can think of an exception or two, but in my general experience that is how it rolls.

These tips are just a few that come to mind.  They are not going to cover everything you may encounter in your baby's or child's hospital stay.  I am hoping they will help you at least get started in the right direction.  When Lily was last in the hospital I put out an all points bulletin on facebook.  My medical and some non-medical friends were sending me tips and thoughts all day long.  It was wonderful.  I felt like I had my own personal consultation group on hand.  Not every one has access to such a broad group of medical professionals, so utilize your resources.  Ask questions, be organized, and BE NICE.  Please be nice.  Except when drunks yell at me in ER and I crack up laughing, please please please - BE NICE.

::10 days past::

It has been ten days since my last post.

I think that is my record. 

I miss blogging.  It's my personal therapy.

But now I feel like I have so much to say I don't know were to start.

How about a quick summary of a few of my biggest thoughts running around in my brain?

Quinn - delicious.  I ADORE having a baby in this house.  I tell him every day that he is the smartest little man I have ever met.  (Don't tell Max.)  I can hardly get enough of him.  His sleep habits could stand improvement, but I am not ready yet to really do something about that problem.

Work - improved.  Lots.  I decided on leave that I had two options - whine about my job and still have to go or learn to like it and still have to go.  I can not stand bitching for the sake of bitching.  I decided to go with option B.  And it is working.  I really like my job now.  It is different from St Vincent.  It always is going to be.  But it is having a major positive factor in my climb out of debt and I LOVE the people that I work with.  From this day forth I except the imperfections of my crazy resource team manager and am going to try to say something positive to her every time she says something nuts. 

Back to work - hard.  I was really liking being a stay at home mom this time around.  The house was spotless(ish) when I went back.  It is amazing how one night with Josh in charge can produce so much clutter.  I feel like I work all day and get to come home to work all the next day.  And the next.  And the next.  But that just means I got to rise to the challenge.  I am just a little too under rested to be tough.  (But I slept off and on from 10P till noon the other day.)  In all fairness - Josh is trying.  He is just out of shape when it comes to taking care of the house.  He has been super spoiled by me for the past few weeks. 

My mother inlaw - a dream come true.  She is watching Max when I work.  Who else can love your kids as much as you and want all the right things for them?  The best mother inlaw ever.  Seriously - she is amazing.  It makes me so happy.

Well that is a quick and dirty summary.  Not the best writing I have ever done but it gets the things that have been burning up my brain out. 

::oh - ER how I love you::

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???  Why did no one every tell me that I was GOING to ADORE being in the ER????  I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!  Wow - its nice to have my brain wake up again.  I love the staff.  I love the social aspect of it all.  Yes, I am still terrified of old ladies.  One slapped my arm for "being too rough" with her tape.  Which I seriously doubt since I work with preemies all day.  Yes - some times the sights and smells are just down right gross.  But I am having a blast.  I talk to people all day long.  ALL DAY!  It's so much fun.  The staff is wonderful and so kind to me.  They take great care of this silly old baby nurse.  I thought they might try to eat me alive from being so annoyed with my lack of adult knowledge, but they just love the baby info I bring to them.  I am loving all the interaction with taking care of adult patients.  I didn't think I would, but I really do love talking to them.  Plus putting an IV in a grown up is SOSOSOSOSO much easier.  You can actually say, "Hold still" and most of them listen.  

I am almost done with orientation and I could not be more excited to be awake and alive at work again.  I still do NICU some, but now it feels like a restful vacation compared to the mass craziness of the ER.  For the first time I can actually say that I like this job.

Side note - the ER I work in does not do heart attacks or major trauma unless they walk in the front door.  It is a lower acuity ER which is just the right kind of ER for me right now.  Gun shot wounds and major burns are not my gig.  I am all about fluids and anti nausea meds, maybe a little shortness of breath, or needing some stitches.  If you are holding in your own intestines please let me find you someone else.  Thanks.     

::jobby joberson::

Max was two gestational weeks old in this picture from my nursing school graduation

I am not loving this new gig. 

I am so bored that I often think about jumping out the window.  OK - not really jumping but I would say that my largest emotion at work in pure dull grey colored boredom.  And I don't take boredom well.  I am used to a unit twice as big and babies that are way sicker.  If there have to be sick babies in the world than I need to make them better.  Not just play over paid babysitter all day long.  There have to be crazy people like me in the world that want to save babies from dying and can deal with the emotional drama of it.  Just like there have to be nurses that want to feed other peoples babies all day and do little else.  I am not that person.  It doesn't make me better than them, just different.  Or maybe it means I am totally nuts. 

The other issues I have with the new unit is that I was sold that I would float to other units - which I have rarely been able to do.  I was not supposed to be in one unit long enough to care that much about it or to have any opinion about if I "liked" it or not.  I wanted to be a gypsy going to different units every few days then repeating the pattern.  But it seems I am stuck there.   

It is all private rooms and I feel like I hardly ever see other people.  I do LOVE the staff.  They are wonderful, but I hardly get to play with them due to the private room layout.  Some of the best things I learned in my old unit came from watching my peers do things.  (Oh Cathy Firestone, can't I come watch you place more IV's and do art sticks?)   

I am lonely - bored - on auto pilot - under stimulated - isolated - under utilized. 

Now lets talk money.  People in my old job and new job have commented on the big bucks I could rake in as a resource team nurse.  But here is the loop hole - I only get paid when I work.  AND I get canceled almost weekly.  I have not had one single flipping two week paycheck that has actually been for 72 hours.  Not one.  I was hired on with promises out the wazoo about how I would rarely be canceled.  Bull shit.  I don't know if they knew it was untrue or if they had no real concept.  I would like to think the later. 

Then let's get my last issue out - the resource team itself is bizarrely scattered in how they take care of me.  I have to send daily reminders making them do anything that I need done.  I think that since I am in NICU alone (with out any other resource team members) that I am very out-of-sight-out-of-mind for them.  I put a wasteful amount of effort being a squeaky wheel to make them do their jobs.  I get that I need to be my own advocate, but this is just comical.

On the bright side, I am supposed to start FINALLY cross training to the ER as of Monday.  These are two shifts every week that are scheduled and can not be canceled.  I make less money when I am training, and I should be training for 6 weeks or more, but I feel it is a good investment.  I adore the ER.  It's so busy and open and social and active and foreign and crazy and loud.  purrrrrrr.   Another good thing is that the few times I have floated to family care I have been glowing with happiness.  They know how to love each other on that unit and still give good care.  Perfect.  Once my ED training is done I will begin throwing fits to get trained to family care.  THEN I should be able to not get canceled and still be growing and learning as a nurse.  I feel hopeful that with my constant (and tiring) fussing I can still make this stupid job work, for awhile.  Till I am ready to go back home.     

::job update::

Now this is a navy uniform, I would rock this!!

Its ok.  It's not bad.  But its still kind of boring.  I hate the private room environment.  You spend entirely too much time alone.  But I guess that also keeps me out of gossip and other such silliness.  I just miss sitting with a friend for both of you to feed slow bottle feeders, talking about lots of things.  I cornered a student nurse for 45 minutes the other day and pretty much forced her to talk to me.  

I have signed up for a primary.  A social work train wreck that should be hanging out for a while.  Cute little thing.  I can't wait to pass her to her mother for the first time today.  What a buzz.  

I am still not being sent to the ED.  NICU is too busy.  When they need me they are SUPER possessive of me, but they drop me like a hot potato (and at the last possible second) when they don't.  I'm just glad I will be working.  If I actually get my hours today (why am I writing this?  I have to take a shower!!!) and my 6 hours tomorrow this will be my second full pay check week since I got off orientation.  Not super reassuring.  But with summer, it has been fun to not be working a ton.  If I can get at least 24 hours a week I am breaking even.  It's just with Disney coming up in October I really need to be doing better than breaking even.  I hope to sneak in a little over time once the kids start school.  (Max is MONDAY and Lily is next Friday.)

Now - here is the big problem. When I hired on I hired on to a contract.  It ends at the end of August.  This is a way for them to try you out, make sure that you show up to work, etc.  If you follow the rules and are agreeable they hire you as a full hospital employee.  You are still unbenefited, which is fine.  I talked to them on the phone yesterday.  They said they were going to hire me.  THE BIG QUESTION:

WHEN DO I TELL THEM I AM PREGNANT????

All of NICU knows but resource is in another location.  They have no idea.  (Side note - this is my third job I started pregnant.  Odd.)  I have always found honesty to be the best policy.  I want to tell her after she shows me the job offers for my permanent job.  I know I don't have to tell her, but I think not telling is being deceitful.  We are a profession of women.  We have babies.  It's not a big deal.  What are your thoughts?

Now I seriously have 25 mins to shower.  I really hope I don't forget to brush my teeth. 

::back to it::

Here's a quick up to date:

I had an OB appointment of Friday.  They couldn't find the heart beat and we both just started flipping out.  Finally that kid showed up.  Perfectly fine, just hiding.  Josh looked at me and said, "This is the last time we do this."  I was 100% with him.  But we all know how I hold to that sort of thing.

We sold almost all of our goats.  Cut it down to that little princess Nelly and Bob/Ernie.  I almost sold Bob/Ernie but I was afraid they would end up at the butchers and I just can't deal with that.  I gave up and decided that I love them.  Stop fighting it.  So from 9-3 goats.  But then I got an offer I couldn't refuse.  My friend/mentor from the goat world offered me twins and their grandma for the price of one.  We pick them up today.  Girl boy twins and an old mama.  She gave the mama to us with a promise that we would not breed her.  I'll post more about them next week but I can't wait for them.

My house is a hot mess.  Clutter every where.  Most organization system have been dropped.  Pregnancy always seems to take away my edge.  That piece of me that is super hyper and in overdrive gets eaten by the baby.  And I don't care.  I will get it all put back together eventually.  I may set a room a day goal till I do the whole house and then get myself back on a chore schedule.   

LILY"S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP.  September 10th is the party.  If you know were I live you are invited.  I am in major panic over this.  I haven't bought thing one.  I do have a plan, but it disorganized.  That is something I am focused on.  First chance I get I am putting that all together.

The new job.  It's OK.  Boring.  Kind of lonely.  Then I started getting canceled from NICU and sent to the ER and it all changed.  The ER is FUN, dynamic, intense, exciting, unpredictable.  Basically it is exactly what I wanted.  I am back in love with being a nurse.  But I m training in the ER, so I make almost twice the money when I staff the NICU.  A perfect situation would be to train 1-2 days a week and staff NICU 1-2 days a week.  I want to get that worked out.  I will do more about all this too eventually.

The garden.  Lots of it died.  But then the rain came and saved some.  The green beans totally dried up.  We may still salvage some but it's mostly gone.  The tomatoes went CRAZY, but then I let my chickens out and they took care of that.  I couldn't help it.  It was so hot and they were really looking very sickly, so I let them loose.  Now they are fat a sassy and super happy.  But I don't have one single cucumber left.  They eat every one.  I don't like cucumbers any way.  Getting pregnant but the garden on half boil too.  But the melons are going insane (my person ones and the ones in the garden).    All the squashes are out of hand.  The endememe needs harvested today.  And the higher up tomatoes are still stunning.  

::last day::

Yesterday was my last day at St Vincent.

But I doubt it was my last day ever.

I just feel like I am coming back eventually.  

I fit it too well with the rest of those crazies  :)

Something I had not anticipated was that I would have to turn in my badge.

It felt so permanent and sad to just hand it over.  

We've been friends a long time.

We bought lots of sushi in the cafeteria together.  We bought some yesterday.

I really hate to leave, but I also do not doubt the choice.

It's time for a little get away.  

Time to go grow this baby somewhere else.

But how heart breaking. 

 (signs by Meg's still pop up around the unit)

::tough call::

I don't like it.  But something has got to give.  One of the things that I have always loved about working 12 hour shifts is that I only work three days a week.  That makes it so I can really focus on the more important things those other four days.  But - somehow in my head I had convinced myself that I could work three 12's a week at the new job and get my three 12's a month for St Vincent in too.  Plus the 2 hours of computer classes then plus the 16 hours of charting training.  In case your wondering that had me working too flipping much.  And for what?  It's not like our survival was hinged to me getting those hours at St Vincent.  The only benefit of it was that I LOVE my friends there and I LOVE the unit.  But the time away from the kiddos was too much to take. 

So, on Monday I turned in my two week notice.  

I hate it.  I am really going to miss my friends, but I just can't do everything.  I often feel like I have to make uncomfortable choices that put my family first, but my friendships always end up getting kicked down the line.  The most important thing in my life is my marriage and my shorties.  I can't pick up more hours and bust my hump right now.  I am growing another person and trying to keep Max off the roof and trying to stop Lily from taking over.   My last shift will be the 12th.  What a tough day that will be. 

::plus sign7 and the new job::

Plus sign - doing great.  Starting to suck out my energy, but if it makes him happy he can have it.  I can live with out energy.  I have some mild nausea but nothing horrid.  I pop a low dose Zofran on occasion but I think its mostly in my head.  I feel better with Plus Sign than I have with any of my other pregnancies, but I am sure that he will get me back later.  Again - don't care.  I don't care if I need IV fluids cause I am such a puker, if he grows right is all I care about.  I am still having lots of dizziness, which is typical for me too.  And the numb hands - so weird feeling.  I am trying hard to keep the new package a secret at the new job, just till he gives me away.    

The new job - fine.   I miss my friends.  I miss knowing how the joint works.  I miss knowing what my resources are.  But - putting myself in uncomfortable situations often leads to some pretty amazing personal growth.  And taking care of babies is taking care of babies.  No matter were they are, the patient care is basically the same.  I like the private rooms layout of the new unit, but it is much lonelier than St Vincent.  I can go for two hours and not see another nurse besides my preceptor.  The new place also has strict rules about cell phone and Internet use - no warnings - if you have your phone, even in your pocket, or if you log on to the Internet for anything but medical reasons - they walk you out.  PERIOD.  That's pretty fierce for me, but I get it.  I just think that this new place is going to be were I go to work and St Vincent is were I go to love and be loved.  It's my comfy spot.  I miss it very much right now.  I feel homesick, but hopeful.   

Things I like better today: 

      The schedule is WHAT EVER I want.  LOVE this fact.

      The hospital is stunning

      The food is good (hey - I'm pregnant)

      I like my new ID picture

      The commute is not bad

      They have a parking garage - no frozen car in winter

      The management is good

      They "asked around about me" and I got good reviews from St Vincent, I find this very flattering

      They keep calling me a seasoned nurse - its makes me nervous and happy at the same time

::ego, fear, nerves::

Yesterday was my last day.  

My last full time day.  

I stress - that I am not leaving all the way.  

But.........still.

My good friend, Connie wrote me this and made me this - 

It touched my heart and broke my heart.

Brookie

Who is Brooke? This is the Brooke I know, and I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface…

The Peppermint Patty of my pledge class.
A passionate and credentialed NICU nurse.
Faithful blogging author of Shorties Funnyfarm.
A badass.
A softy.
Party planner extraordinaire.
Animal farmer and midwife.
Creative gardener.
A mom who works at it like its her job.
Equestrian.
Taker of sushi virginity.
President of Megan’s fan club.
Photographer of beautiful people.
A bad speller.
A philosopher.
Inventor of the Brooke Book organization list system.

You gotta take her as she is, but who she is, is ever evolving.

She loves to grow things…her kids, vegetables, preemies, relationships, her career, herself. She also works to fix these things, when they’re broken.

She’s not afraid of anything… of trying new things, of putting her naked heart out there, of laughing out loud, hurting out loud, and apologizing when it’s due.

She feels everything… anger, happiness, sadness, love, like a 10 on the Richter scale.

I’ve learned so much from Brooke, and I’m glad she’s my friend. She always makes me smile. I’m sad to see her go (well, she will be PRN here, but we all know what that means) and I will miss her. But I’m sure her chosen path will be a great experience, full of learning new things and meeting new people.

Hey Brookie, I love ur face. See ya around. Here's my going away gift to you.

::new job::

I have been working on this for awhile, but I didn't want put it out there on blog land till I really knew the details.  A few days ago I got my final offer from Community Hospital.  I accepted.  Even though I just about wanted to cry my eyes out when I told my manager.

I will be floating between NICU, peds, and ED!  The people in the know call it the ED, ER is the wrong term.  Which I have keep reminding myself, because I know so little about ED that I can't even call it by the right name.  I will start in NICU just to learn the system and then float to any of the hospitals, based on their need.   

Pro's

New hospital - where I don't have any negative relationships to things

New unit that is very uncomfortable for me.  

Growing and stretching always leads to solid personal discovery. 

Significantly more money  - BUT that is not the most important part to me

All I know if NICU, it will be good to not be a one trick pony

I am staying PRN in NICU, I hope - that is still in the process

      PRN = as needed, working twice a month at least

New adventure

Con's

New unit that is VERY uncomfortable for me

They only wear solid Navy scrubs - BORING

I will miss my support group.  I am so blessed with the greatest friends at work.

No benefits.  Which I don't need with Josh's job, but that also mean so paid maternity leave.  (IN THE FUTURE!)

Requires a degree of flexibility that may be uncomfortable at time, but I will go in expecting that

Thoughts???

::TV::

The TV is a problem in my house.

We went years without turning on the TV in the playroom, but once Max got old enough to figure it out he started turning it on all the time and sitting down to do nothing.  And I let him.  It was so much easier.  I was extra selfish in my healing since Zack died in January (click my infant loss tab for details) and really just taking every moment of peace that Max would give me.  That's called babysitting, not parenting.

So it stops today.  Because I am back on my A game again.  It's time for me to start really digging down deep and getting back into STIMULATING these kids, not just maintaining them.

New rules - no playroom TV except for rare situations.  No watching random TV just because its become our nighttime pattern.  Less TV = more interaction.  Which is the goal.  My favorite part of every day is when Josh and I get to bed and talk and talk and talk about everything.  But why can't we have those conversations more often?

Side note:
My good friend at work is having some real pregnancy complications that require her to be in the hospital for at least the next three weeks till she deliveries.  We had almost exactly the same due date. (mid-early June)  She has two little girls at home and she is going to be out of the loop with them for this time period.  Send her strength and hope and acceptance and peace.

Side note two:  
 I was TL again yesterday at work.  Second time ever and I LOVED it.  And no major trauma's happened.  I was super busy and I had a great time.  I am loving work right now.  But I am still keeping my eyes open for new roads. 

::team lead:

I got to be team lead (TL) today. 

It was  big deal to me. 

TL = a job in the NICU.  It changes daily.  Main job is to help assist the nurses on the third floor and try to keep the place under control. 

I have wanted to be TL for years.  But the charge nurses saw some holes in my personality that needed repaired before I would be picked.  They never flat out said that, but that was the reason I worked there four years before being asked to be TL.  (Usually, it takes people about 2 years to be TL.)  They were right - I did have some big things to fix before I was ready. 

But much has changed in me in the past few months...

Click on my infant loss label for the details.

Today was a whipping. 

I RAN around all day trying to stay in front of it all.  For a first time as TL I think I did OK.  I certainly was trying.  Always room to improve.  I got about three times my usually amount of steps on my pedometer. 

I felt good.  Successful.  I took a stressful day and attacked it with my old vigor.

Then the floor dropped out.

For privacy laws and for my respect for the family I will not explain in detail.  But an unfair and very sudden end happened, and I found myself at the front line.

Once the medical aspect became futile, I am really glad that a wiser soul than me led me out of the room. 

When you scratch away the first five layers, I am nothing but a momma who lost her baby and just wants to cry about it for the next year.  And once I left that room, my heart let go and cracked.  But I pulled it back in.  Because I honestly fear that if I ever just let myself GO I will have a long hard road recalling it.

But I still had more time left in the day.  Not much.  But enough that I wanted to finish it out.  I didn't want my first day as TL to end with me leaving the unit to go check myself in to the stress center.  

So, I found some self discipline and I finished the day.  I stayed on task and got it done.  I watched a few funny video's on my phone of Max to calm my brain.  (Josh and I watched the same ones in the hospital with Zack) 

Then I got in my car and started the drive home.

And then I cried so hard I had to pull over and just let it go.  I cried and cried and cried.

I haven't cried that hard since the morning after we got home from the hospital and I woke up with a jolt and for one great second, thought it was all a bad dream.   

I have held back my own pain, but this other mothers pain I could not deny.  The unfairness and suddenness of her loss... Terrible.  Unfair.  It rocked my soul.  So I cried.  For us both.  And I mourn for us both.

And right now I don't know what I want.  Can I still do this job?  If I am going to, especially as the occasional TL, then I have to be able to take the worst of this job too. 

When do I get to stop being a hot mess?  Am I getting any better or just treading water? 

::things I never say::

**I feel like I seen too many babies go in the past little stretch, and I need to get it out of my head.  This is not written to any baby in particular, more of a generalization of a few different babies put together**

Dear Mom of some of my babies,

These are all the things that I want to tell you, but I somehow never get to.  

I am so sorry.  This is so unfair.  This should never happen to anyone.  I know what it is to love a baby before it is even born.  To love that baby from the moment you see the plus sign on the stick.  Your love for that baby is no less than the love a mother feels for any child.  I wish you never had to go through this.  No one should have to.  I don't know why it was you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It wasn't the Mexican food you ate, it wasn't the bath you took, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.  But you will probably never believe me.  

I want you to know that this is going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through.  There are very few people that you can ask for help coping with this.  When your Mom comes to visit and she tells you, "Don't worry honey, she is just small.  She will grow."  I wish she was right.  But in this one case, your mother has no idea what she is talking about.  I don't want to be the one to tell you what you already feel in your heart, but your baby is probably not going to make it.  The most unfair thing in the word is going to happen.  Your baby is going to die.  And if she doesn't die her brain scans show us that she is going to be unable to see or hear.  She is going to be unable to communicate.  She is going to end up with a trach and a G tube.  She is not going to know much else besides discomfort and pain.  She will be able to live for awhile.  We can make her do that.  But should we?  

I will do it if you make me.  I will continue to take lab test from her and do things to her that I wish I didn't have to.  But I will also tell her I am sorry every time I have to.  I will tell her "They don't know honey.  I know you want to go, but they just aren't ready yet.  Give them a few more days."  And just when I start to wonder if you will every do the right thing, you figure it out.  You do the most selfless thing that I have every seen a mother do.  You sacrifice your own heart to let your baby move on.  You did the right thing.  Don't ever doubt that.  You know you did.  She asked you to.  Be brave.  My heart bleeds for you.  I am so sorry - and that will never be enough.  You also don't care right now, but I am so proud of you.  And so is your baby angel. 

Love,

Your Nurse

::new job option::

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but I just like it

I have decided to make an active effort to get back to my good mood at work.  I lost it for a little while, I still adore my babies of course, but it is time to stop the slide into a bad mood.  One of the things that I want to do for my future is expand my skill set.  I have gotten the chance to cross train to PICU (pediatric intensive care unit).  I am really excited for the chance to learn some new things.  And when this little baby is born is gives me another place to go work weekend option if I have to.  Nugget and I are excited to go learn some new stuff.


Side note - I just entered the cutest picture of 4 year old Lily in a photo contest.  Link over to purplelilyphotography if you want to see it.  I miss her that little.  

::mom vs. work::

Work work work.  I love the job.  I really do.  Even if it isn't the perfect little love santuary that it used to be it is still the right place for me.  But something has to give.  I think I need to go weekend option.  If you are not familiar with weekend option it is a specific shift for nurses that allows them to work EVERY STINKING SINGLE weekend.  In return for that sacrifice they only work two days, but get paid for three.  I think it might be the ideal situation for my family.  I would be home all week with the kids.  That makes me feel calm, just thinking about.  I would be 100 percent in charge of getting them too school and making sure all the school stuff if done and done problerly.  I would be able to always make sure that every one is fed and taken to the correct activity at the correct time.  Snow day?  Who cares.   Basically - it would come down to me being in complete control of the things that need to be controlled.  And I LOVE that idea.  LOVE IT!  The bad part is missing out on that weekend time.  But then I get my Lily for five full days all summer!  The best playtime in the world.  But I would miss out on all the social activities.  No saturday baby showers or work related parties.  Terrible.  But I would just have to find other ways to socialize.  Like standing Friday Children's Museum playdates???  Then I would hire my fabulous girl who helps me now to do the occasional few hours during the week so I can do grown up stuff or volunteer at school or work on photo stuff.  She would also do every Saturday with the kiddos.  Then Josh would be in charge every Sunday, which he would like minus the football games, which he will work around.  What am I over looking?

::annual NICU campfire campout::

Some of my dearest NICU girls and families came over last weekend for a bonfire.

But there is a burn ban in my county.

So we had a little fire instead.

And it was FREEZING!  So camping wasn't really a great option either.  

But a good time was still had by one and all.  

Cutie Blyth brought this great cookie.

::learned in passing::

  

I SUPER DUPER NO JOKING L O V E my job.  

To learn more about it link HERE.  Saving babies with peers that rock?  How can you beat it?  I love it so much that sometimes I take on more than I can chew.  One of those things is signing up for Level Four Cap.  Basically you jump through lots of hoops and they pay you to do it.  Not enough to buy that Suburban I wish I drove (not environmentally friendly, but so fun), but enough to pay for Christmas.  One of the hoops is to become a certified nurse in your specialty.  Not certifiable - certified.  After much anxiety, and not enough studying I took the test and I PASSED.  And I even learned a few things -


It help reinforce some of the more complex medical parts of what I do.  So I guess it actually made me a better nurse.  Which I think is the whole point.


It taught me that I don't want to go to grad school.  I have questioned this before.  But I love my time with the shorties and all their silliness too much tell them to leave me alone so I can study.  Maybe as an empty nester, but not now.  


This title doesn't really mean all that much.  But I did pass - so I am not whining.

This is the worst picture of me ever.  No makeup - I can't test in makeup.  It makes my eyes itch.  And my face?  I look like I am on steroids.  Not going up on facebook.    

::happy::

I am really happy right now and here are a few reasons why...


I have a bruise on my arm that looks like a smurf bite.  I told Lily that and she asked me "What is a smurf?"  We had to spend some serious time learning about that major life issue.

Josh does this thing were he pretends that he can't hear you.  He is so believable.  Then you get closer and he grabs you and makes you snuggle him.  He does it to the kids and I.  I haven't fallen for it for real in awhile.  

I love summer vacation.  I wish it could go on forever.  I love having the kids home and all of us being on the same schedule.  I love not being sad about having to work every third weekend.


We have gotten so much done on the house this year.  But I have decided that it is time to just finish polishing up what we have already done.  It does bug me, but I am glad that I decided to give up on the back garden this year.  If we get corn - great.  But I am not weeding the big back garden and I am skipping the pumpkin patch of my dreams this year.  I have to have something new to do next year, and we are starting the fruit orchard this fall.  It makes me want to purrrrrr just thinking about it.


I have fallen in love with my little garden and I am excited about doing it even better next year.  I am going to get better at staggering crops and planting things in different places.

Every morning when I wake up (non-work day) I walk outside for a few minutes and just check in on my ladies (chickens), other animals (I don't pet the cow, you can't prove it), and say good morning to my garden.  It has been so extra amazingly stunningly beautiful around here.  I am so thankful to live in such a place.  The air smells good here.

The kids are obsessed with eating carrots fresh from the garden.  They eat about 10 each a day.  Are they going to turn orange?  But really - how cute is a little farm kid walking around with a carrot with the top still attached?  


Work is SO super good right now.  I can't say too much - privacy laws.  But I am in love with my new primary family.  They are just the easy button break that I needed.  LOVE THEM!  And they brought us cookies.  Fun!  And I am precepting a new girl that I am very excited about.  She is VERY bright and talented.  A big chunk of being a nurse is learning how to think critically - and this kid just has that natural instinct. 

::half a stay at home mom::

Disclaimer - 

I do what works for me, my husband and the shorties.  Then end.  You should do what ever works for you.  We are all different.  We should respect each others differences.  This is not a judgment call - just my personal opinion about my personal circumstances.

I love my job.  I love my job.  I love my job.  Link here and here if you want to read more about it.  I am a NICU nurse and I love the work.  I grow as a person almost every day I go in.  But my favorite gig is my other job - shortie patrol.  I love running the house.  I get so in to all the antics and craziness of our little farm and family.  But I honestly I could not do this job with out my other one.  They have a symbiotic relationship.  I need to go to work and have my alone time in the car and my friend fun time at work so that I can come home.  I need to feel like I am essential in helping critically ill babies and their families to feel fulfilled in myself.  So then I can come home and focus 100% on the funny farm.  I can't be a 24-7 shortie patroller, I need some time away so I can appreciate the time at home.  

When I was pregnant with Lily I honestly thought that after she was born I would never go back to work again.  I was working as a veterinarian tech and I didn't feel pride in what I did.  But I knew that I wanted to feel that pride.  The birth of Lily motivated me to go back to school and get an education in something that I would actual use and would do some good in the world.  I only chose nursing because I knew I would always be able to get a good job, but I didn't think there was anyway I would like it. Then I found NICU and it was my calling.  But so was being Lily's Mom and Josh's wife.  I was pregnant with Max at my graduation from nursing school.

When he was born I never even thought about becoming a stay at home mom.  I love this job too much.  I need it for my mental health and growth.  So now I am still a full time RN, which means I work three 12 hour shifts a week.  That is currently just right.  I am contributing well to the family financially but I am also contributing to myself.

Money - oh boring old money.  I wish it was a non-issue.  But here is the bottom line.  If we sold our house and lived in a normal place we could afford for me not to work. But our farm is an intricate part of our identity.  It is the keystone of the family and the only time I will ever move off this property is in a wood box.  And then they better cremate me, bring me home, and sprinkle me on the tomatoes.   I hope at least one of the kids builds a house in the back field.  (Maybe they all will?  I can dream.) So I work for that reason, too.  But I think it is a good reason.

I feel like I have found a good balance between work and home.  I could not do either of them with my whole heart with out the other one.  Ying and yang.