::all set::

I never make forever promises when it comes to babies.  I reserve the right to change my mind.  But at this time, I feel like our little family is complete.  I used to hear my other friends say they were never having another baby, and I would want to feel that way too.  I wished that I didn't need another one.  I wished my heart didn't ache with that need.  I know that my nature leads me to always take things too far.  Too many goats, too big a garden - one step too far.  I was worried that because of how much I love babies, my brain would never shut off that constant drive to have another.  

Finally - some peace.  

I have no little voice telling me how to talk Josh into another baby.  It is silent.  It's all set.  

Quishy completes the set.  


For the first time, I am ready for what happens after baby having is done.  I am excited to go through the process with them.  The birthday parties, the Easter egg hunts, the sporting events, the first dates, the prom.  Fighting the girls off Max.  All the parenting/kiddo milestones.     

::working::

Through some various HIPPA protected events at work recently I just want to write a little note to each kid, just in case I never get the chance to tell them these things.  

Emma - When I met your Dad you were two.  He and I had a very rocky start, but I was in love with you from the first moment I saw you.  Your Dad got in a football stance and said, "Blue 42! Hut. Hut. Tackle!"  You jumped into my arms because you knew that game meant wrestle time.  I was so overwhelmed that I started crying.  Your Dad was totally confused at my tears.  It was you.  Your cuteness, your trust, you sweet little round face.  I never saw a girl and her Dad be so in love with each other.  It blew me away.  I am so glad to have you in my life.  Love - Brock

Lily - Oh little lobster, don't ever fit into the box the word presents to you.  Even I try to make you follow the path that I think is right for you.  You always correct that mistake.  Keep being you, kid, because I adore you.  I admire the fact that you can not be defined.  You are one hell of a kid to parent because you excel at loop hole finding.  This is going to be a major strength for you as an adult.  You are a force of nature.  People are often going to misunderstand you.  Don't let that sway you.  {"The light that shines on you, will shine on you forever." paul simon}  Let's see what you do next.  I can't wait.  I'm right here if you need me, but I'll try to wait till you ask.  Love - Mommy

Max - Little Mr. Wellington.  You and that hair.  No matter how big and manly you become you will always be my skinny little boy with the big ball of hair and the crooked smile.  You have an amazing natural instinct for improving the mood of people around you.  You are a tension breaker.  During Mommy's "dark year" you kept me on track.  You kept me getting out of bed.  You kept me connected to something.  You get away with more than any other kid because your cuteness is overwhelming.  I have almost never made it through a lecture with you without laughing.  Your bond with your father brings tears to my eyes.  Two boys - best buddies.  Keep it up.  He needs you too.  Love - Mommy

Quinn - My Quishy.  You took my last grey fuzzy edges out of my brain.  To hold you for the first time was a spiritual experience.  If you take my whole life and put it into still images and frozen moments, that image with your new little face would be under the title - clarity.  A rainbow baby brings brightness to the world.  The mother that will raise you is so different from the mother that baby Lily had to break in.  I hope that is a good thing.  Your Dad sent me a text the other night, it said, "How come when I look at Quinn it makes me like you?"  Because you were worth it.  For all of us.  Love - Mommy

And lastly -
Baby we lost - Thank you.  Thank you SO much.  Thank you for changing me in a positive way.  Thank you for making me more sensitive to other peoples personal struggles.  Thank you for making our choices about you for us.  My soul had to break to grow back stronger.  Thank you for letting the next egg in line be used :)  He is so Quishy.  Thank you for helping me get my priorities straighter.  So many things in my life right now that I think of as very positive or fulfilling, stemmed from the loss of you.     

::quinn is six months of delish::

Oh, Quinny.

You are the best baby ever.

So cute.

So sweet.

So delish.

I am a total sucker for this kid.  He sleeps like a champ.  He plays and smiles.  That little man has two lower teeth coming in.  They are sharp.  Trust me.  Milking is still going along, but he is eating lots of baby food.  He is still just a seamless little fit into our family. 

::Q's 4 month visit::

Pretty happy for a guy that got two shots.

Weight = 15pounds 10 ounces - 56%

Height = 25.75 inches - 71%

OFC = 41.7 - 28% (holding strong, no wonder he had such a perfect delivery)

  

Just for the record Max and Lily were 96%+ in OFC from birth on.

::apples to apples::

Is it just in my head or are they twins?

Fingers crossed for curly hair.

::quinn is delish::

Quinn is a very stylish man.

Look at those thigh rolls!  He is just so cute.

And he has some stellar skateboard moves. 

::quinn::

Dear Quinn,

Thanks buddy.  Thanks for being such a great little guy.  I hardly ever hear you cry.  Being a fourth baby suits you well.  You dig all the holding and snuggling and getting fought over who gets to hold you next.  Your eat like a horse and then promptly throw up about half of it.  If you were not gaining weight so well I would be very concerned about your puke fest 2012, but you have grown a fabulous little Buddha belly.  You go back and forth from bottle to breast with no issues.  Your Dad has already started sneaking you licks of fruit to try to win you over.  I pretend not to see.  You talk up a storm and already copy the sounds we make to you.  We like your Wookie sounds best of all.  You smile all the time and even venture into some decent giggles  You sleep like a champion.  By 8:30pm you are getting grumpy and ready to be laid down.  We just dress you in a sleep sack and put you to bed.  Long bedtime rituals are not the norm around here and you have falling into that philosophy.  You sleep till about 7-8am with out a fuss.  I usually have to wake you up in the morning to eat.  Which is one of my favorite things because your stretching is so cute.  I love you meatball, we all do.  Your the best little rainbow baby ever.

Love,

Mommy

::two month old Quinn::

Sometimes I am totally overwhelmed with the joy this baby has returned to my life.  

::10 days past::

It has been ten days since my last post.

I think that is my record. 

I miss blogging.  It's my personal therapy.

But now I feel like I have so much to say I don't know were to start.

How about a quick summary of a few of my biggest thoughts running around in my brain?

Quinn - delicious.  I ADORE having a baby in this house.  I tell him every day that he is the smartest little man I have ever met.  (Don't tell Max.)  I can hardly get enough of him.  His sleep habits could stand improvement, but I am not ready yet to really do something about that problem.

Work - improved.  Lots.  I decided on leave that I had two options - whine about my job and still have to go or learn to like it and still have to go.  I can not stand bitching for the sake of bitching.  I decided to go with option B.  And it is working.  I really like my job now.  It is different from St Vincent.  It always is going to be.  But it is having a major positive factor in my climb out of debt and I LOVE the people that I work with.  From this day forth I except the imperfections of my crazy resource team manager and am going to try to say something positive to her every time she says something nuts. 

Back to work - hard.  I was really liking being a stay at home mom this time around.  The house was spotless(ish) when I went back.  It is amazing how one night with Josh in charge can produce so much clutter.  I feel like I work all day and get to come home to work all the next day.  And the next.  And the next.  But that just means I got to rise to the challenge.  I am just a little too under rested to be tough.  (But I slept off and on from 10P till noon the other day.)  In all fairness - Josh is trying.  He is just out of shape when it comes to taking care of the house.  He has been super spoiled by me for the past few weeks. 

My mother inlaw - a dream come true.  She is watching Max when I work.  Who else can love your kids as much as you and want all the right things for them?  The best mother inlaw ever.  Seriously - she is amazing.  It makes me so happy.

Well that is a quick and dirty summary.  Not the best writing I have ever done but it gets the things that have been burning up my brain out. 

::mod baby::

This is not my first rodeo, but baby stuff is always evolving.  I try hard to stay out of it.  It's best for the impulse shopper in me to avoid Babies R Us.  It's amazing what you can live without if you don't know any better. But some baby products are so good they can not be ignored.  I have found three that I am in love with.

 The Moby Wrap

This is not a new thing on the baby scene, but I was always intimidated by it and didn't use it with my other kids.  I thought it looked too complex.  But one of my friends had her baby comfy tucked into one, and let me investigate.  I knew this would be a perfect way to hold the new baby all the time and still keep up with the house and other shorties.  I started playing around with the wrap the day after we brought Quinn home.  It was perfect for cooking dinner, while doing spelling words, and stopping Max from burning the joint down.  Then a last minute trip to join Josh in Florida had me flying solo with a one month old.  He spent almost the entire flight and weekend in his Moby wrap, and he loved it.  He was all perfectly nestled in it.  I love multi tasking and anything that lets me bond with the baby and still stay connected to the other kids is perfect.  This was a little bit of a splurge at $45, but well worth it.  I will use this thing to take Quinn to his kindergarten class - ok, too far. 

The Snot Sucker

GREATEST THING EVER!!!  Quinn got a cold with in five days of coming home.  Darn school age kids and all their germs.  A baby with a stuffy nose is a miserable thing.  I was teasing with another NICU nurse that I wanted some wall suctions to clear him out.  She told me about this Snot Sucker device.  I told her I was willing to try anything.  Less than $20 latter and I was in business.  This thing works wonderful.  It looks bizarre and it freaks people out when ever I use it but it is pure genius.  You put one end on the babies nares and the other end you suck out the snot.  Sounds gross, right?  It has a filter on it and long tubing so the secretions don't get in your mouth.  Promise.  I wish I had this with Max and Lily.  If you invite me to your baby shower you are getting one of these.  Mock it if you want, but at 3AM with a stuffy nosed baby you will use it. 

Aden + Anais Swaddle Blanket

Quinn all wrapped up

Blankets are blankets.  Cheap is good.  Usually all true.  But these little luxuries are wonderful.  They are super thin muslim with just a tick of stretch to it.  You can wrap the baby up really snug and keep them very comfy.  Quinn sleeps in one every night.  I keep one in my diaper bag at all times because they are pretty big, just right for covering up while breast feeding.  They are light weight so the baby doesn't cook in them or under them while your breast feeding.  They are lovely too, which is always nice.  I took care of a wonderful set of triplets whose mama turned me on to these blankets, even gave me a pack as a baby present.  (Love my Maurer triplets.)  These things are wonder.  They wash great and just get softer and softer.  A set of three costs about $45.  Pricey for blankets, but one set of three is plenty for one baby. 


 

::an apology::

Dear friends,

I am sorry.  

I am sorry that I spent the last year disconnected from you.  I am sorry that I was a bad friend to you.  I was disinterested and disconnected.  I didn't call and I didn't show up, and if I did I was trying hard to be mental present - but I was not.  Several of you had to give up on me, you had your own crap to deal with.  I don't blame you.  But I am ready to participate now.  I came home from the hospital with Quinn and I had an emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time.  I couldn't wait for my visits.  I sincerely felt excited to spend time with friends.  I didn't feel like I was the white elephant in the room any more.  I don't feel like a big faker anymore. 

I didn't want to internalize.  It was a survival strategy.  I was so fractured after the baby died that I couldn't function.  But I knew that I had to "fake it till you make it".  I had to get up every day and keep my family together.  Over that time it became less fake and more real.  I was pretty good around the shorties, but I just could not find the place in my brain that was able to be a friend.  It was still hidden in fog.  And once my soul was healed by Quinn I rediscovered the friend piece of my brain.  

I want to sit with you guys.  I want to have dinner and lunch.  I want to get our hair did and talk about our crazy kids.  I miss you, and if you are willing to take me back I would like to be your friend again. 

Love,

Brooke

::breast feeding::

Two day old Lily - first time mom.  Nervous as hell.

Baby Quinn - fourth time mom.  Calm and rejoicing. 

I have seen both sides of breast feeding.  I have breast fed three of my own babies, hell one is breast feeding right this second.  Easy buddy, those suckers are attached.  I have also been a nurse at ground zero trying to teach a first time mom who is still a little gorked out on meds how to feed her little bundle of joy.  Often the babies are a little hung over too so it doesn't go well the first time.  We have lactation consultants at work but they are not always available, and sometimes a NICU nurse has to help the mamas. 

Truths:

It hurts at first.  Like crazy.  Take a vacuum hose and attach it to your nipple.  That's the feeling.  I think - I haven't actual field tested that theory.  But the pain goes away - I promise.  For me the first 20 seconds hurts like hell but then it gets better.  By about week two it doesn't hurt at all.  But you have to get past the pain.  Anyone who tries to make you think that it doesn't hurt is lying or has forgotten.  

Sometimes breast feeding makes you self isolate.  It depends on how willing you are to flash a little too much skin as too how isolated you are.  With Lily I would sneak off to the back room to breast feed if any one was over.  Almost ten years later I am willing to pull out a boob just about anywhere.  For the record - I am over dramatizing.  But I don't leave the room any more, that is true.  I still cover up, but I refuse to sneak away.  If you are uncomfortable you can leave.  I say that all tough like, but I didn't have the guts to feed Quinn at Emma' swim meet the other day.  Teenage boys and these luscious boobs of mine is just a little too odd for me.  Even if they just get a little flash, I didn't want to embarrass Emma.   

Its a pain in the ass to pump at work.  Even at my nurse job that has a nice pumping room with a high quality pump, it is still difficult.  People sometimes treat you like you are going on a smoke break or you are getting an extra lunch break.  I try to pair up with another milking mom so we can cover for each other.  I have worked jobs before were I had to sneak off to the bathroom to pump.  Gross and not fun.  Now that I think about it, I have had a different job with each baby.  I found that if I was just really honest with them about wanting to pump and needing a place to do it they supported me.  At my Lily Era job I used to make company follow up phone calls while pumping.  Then at least I was still getting some work done.     

Baby Max.  Just because the other kids are here. 

Its the best snuggle you will ever have.  Ever.  For sure.  Can I express this any more clearly?  That warm soft perfect little creature is going to be a wiggly toddler who only sleeps on you after you take them swimming for four hours and wear them the crunk out (MAX!).  Enjoy them.  I keep Quinn stripped down to only a diaper as often as possible because that soft little creature needs to be enjoyed.  Some how when ever Josh is home he always seems to have a beard burn on his soft little skin.  We both can't get enough of snuggle time with babies.   

Its important.  You know this already.  You have heard it.  I don't need to drill it into your head.  Breast milk has many benefits that formula just can't perfectly replicate.  Enough said.   

BUT!!!!  Big-I-am-not-joking-around-here BUT - don't let it add more guilt to your shoulders if breast feeding isn't right for you.   Don't feel like you failed if you can't make enough milk, or your baby is a crappy eater, or you just don't stinking want to breast feed.  Do what is right for your family.  I only breast fed Max for 5 months.  By then he had five teeth and he had chewed up his entire crib.  I was literally terrified of his teeth.  I had about three months worth of extra milk stored so he got breast milk for a while longer, but I just didn't want to breast feed him with that vampire mouth.  I am really trying this time to make it an entire year with the Q monster, but if his crib looks like we are keeping a tiger in it we will see. 

My biggest tip about breast feeding is this - get a contact number for lactation before you leave the hospital.  All the area hospitals have lactation consultants on staff.  No one wants you to be more successful at breast feeding than a lactation consultant.  Have lots of appointments with them in the hospital, request them four times a day if you want them.  Make sure you know how to contact them before you leave.  You may get home and things will start to fall apart and these ladies can be extremely helpful.   

::Quinn photo shoot::

I was laying in bed feeding Quinn and trying to nap.  But he was wiggling around.  Lily kept "checking" on us every commercial break, which also didn't help.  I gave up on sleep.  But the lighting was perfect.  So, on my next checking in I asked Lily to bring my camera.

I love the soft fuzz on his shoulders and back.

Shooting Quinn's pictures was a spiritual experience.  I know I am still overly emotional, but taking his pictures in heavenly yellow light was surreal.  He is actually here and my soul is healed. 

Lily took this one.  Love the rolls on his side. 

My favorite picture ever. 

Milk coma.

Taken by me with just holding the camera out. 

Here is what Max was doing during Q's photo shoot. 

::quinn - birth story::

My body thinks that getting started with labor is lame.  It likes to be pregnant forever - I think I would still be pregnant with Max if I hadn't got induced.  My OB booked my induction appointment months ago.  February 3rd, arrive at the hospital at 5am.  That felt like 200 years away the whole time.  But then, all the sudden it was time.  My mother was a good sport and came down the night before to stay with the kids since I didn't want to drag them with us to the hospital super early. 

We slept so fitfully the night before that when we both woke up at 3am for the 10th time we decided to go ahead and get ready to go.  We took our time getting ready, but still were the first induction of the day to arrive on the unit.  We were all smiles, but we were both very nervous.

They got my IV on the second stick and got me started on a low dose on pitocin.  I was still dilated to next to nothing.  At 7am my night shift nurse left and in came my day shift nurse.  This is a big time nervous moment for me.  I felt that I would deliver on her shift and I was really afraid of getting someone who wasn't going to be a good match with me.  In walks Lana - with a glow around her.  I knew in one minute that she was going to be perfect with us.  A great combination of high skill and not easily frazzled.  Perfect.  Big sigh.

My OB is important to me.  Essential to me.  She led me through being a first time mom with Lily.  She saved me from major damage with huge Max.  She cared for me and protected me with all the darkness last year.  Josh and I think she walks on water.  If she told me to only use my left eye for the last trimester I would go out and buy a patch.  I adore her.  I blindly believe in her.  Her name is Dr Raney the Great.

Dr Raney arrived at 8am.  I was barely dilated to one, even after being on pitocin for two hours.  Dr Raney had to lay me flat, do a rain dance, and push really hard on one spot - but she managed to get enough of an angle to break my water.  Not an easy feat with my super cervix.  My fluid level was on the low end of normal this time, so it didn't flood like with my others.  Through out all this my nurse was turning up my pitocin as quickly as possible.  My body started getting with the program once my water was broke and the pitocin levels got high enough.  I still was not dilating, but I was having pretty good contractions.

Around 9am Lily's school called to ask me were the hell she was.  Whoops.  I had forgotten to call her in.  They were pretty annoyed with me till I explained why she was not coming.

I just sat there laboring away and hoping I was making some progress.  I was getting lots of text messaged from the family so I knew that every one was getting ready to arrive.  I wasn't having terrible pain but I really wanted to get my epidural on board before it got bad.  I went ahead and asked to get in line for mine to be placed.  It didn't take long at all, and after some initial poking I was all set.  I had the best epidural.  I could move my legs and position myself, but I had ZERO pain.  The epidural was a low dose that was continuous all day - it worked perfectly. 

By 11am every one was at the hospital and we were all waiting together.  My Hannah camped at my bedside all day.  I kicked her out around 1pm for her to eat but otherwise she never left my side.  Lily laid in my bed and watched TV with me.  Max was very happy to use the iPad all day.  The family was in and out all day.  We all had lots of pleasant conversations and my pain was at a zero all day.  Every time my nurse checked me I was slowly increasing but nothing much.  However my whole family knows that I usually go from 5 to 10 in about the blink of an eye.

My nurse came in around 1:30pm and checked me.  I was a five.  She looked at me and said, "Your getting ready to make your move.  I better go eat real quick."  I made everybody leave to go get lunch. because I knew my nurse was right.  I was starting to have lots of pressure and my contractions were getting much more intense.  

My nurse hurried to lunch and came back and checked me again.  All my cheer group was back by then too.  She said, "Guess what you are?"  I said, "Eight".  She said, "Guess higher.  You're a ten.  Lets get Dr Raney here and get this done."  It was 2:30 by that point.  

Dr Raney walked in the door at 3:10.  She was smiling ear to ear.  Josh had been after me this whole pregnancy that he wanted to catch the baby.  He claims that he got to catch one of the other kids and he really wanted to get this one.  What he means by that is that Dr Raney delivered the baby, passed it to him, and he put the baby on my chest.  I asked Dr Raney if he could catch this time.  To her that meant deliver the baby.  Next thing I know she is putting him in sterile gloves and telling him how to grab the head and pull the shoulders and all kinds of other things.  He and I were both so stunned and excited we went with it.  

Once Hannah and the nursing student each had a leg we started pushing.  I did one set of three and then waited for the next contraction.  Repeated that routine.  Then on the third set and second push out came that perfect little head.  Dr. Raney told me to stop pushing and she talked Josh through getting that kid the rest of the way out.  Josh delivered the baby.  Seriously.  We did a video from my shoulder area and in it you can just see how nervous Josh is but so brave.  What an amazing experience.  You can hear me laughing, I was amazed to see Josh delivering that kid.  It all happened so fast, but it was a memory that I am never going to forget.  

Quinn started crying before he was even all the way out.  Birth time was 3:22pm. 7lb 12 oz and 20 inches long.  That rainbow baby was handed to me by Josh and went right to my chest.  They let me hold him for a good ten minutes or so.  Josh and I could not stop smiling and crying.  Quinn pinked up right away and was just the picture of a perfect transition.  I kept bugging him to keep him crying so he would clear his lungs - I am a NICU nurse after all.  I can't help myself.  

They took him over to the warmer and got him all cleaned up.  My mom went and got Lily, as I had promised her.  By 3:58 that kid was already latched on and eating away.  He made it look easy.  They took him back to the warmer and gave him a bath, which Lily helped with.  I was happy to stuff my face with some room service.  Shortly after my nurse had me up and moving around, and I felt great.  Never a moment of agony in the whole thing.  They took me up to post partum by 6:30pm.  I sent Josh out with his brothers to eat and bring me back food.  As the rest of family trickled out I was so happy to get to hold that baby skin to skin.  There is just no better snuggle than a newborn baby.  Emma stayed with me till Josh got back.  It was very sweet.  

My nurse talked me into sending him to the nursery from 1am-5am.  I really didn't want to.  In the past I have sent my kids to the nursery no problem, but this little man was just too long anticipated to let go.  I am glad I did it because the next morning was busy.  We knew that we wanted to leave as early as possible, and the hospital supported us.  By 10am our little guy was circumcised and I had been cleared with the OB.  We left the hospital at 11am, went and picked up our other kids from Grammy and made it home my 12:30.  

It was wonderful to be in our own house.  

And here I am.  Sparkling away.  Josh is home for the whole week so I have not felt over whelmed.  I am lost in this baby.  This long dreamed of baby.  

 

 Dear Quinn,

I wanted you so very much.  I loved you before I was even sure I would get you.  You were destined to be mine.  I begged your dad to have a very painful and expensive surgery to get you.  I lost my way and carried a broken heart after the baby died last year.  I mentally struggled with severe fear and anxiety through out your pregnancy.  The week before you were born I was a pure nut case.  But your delivery was my best one.  So magical and easy.  Your Daddy was the first person to ever touch you and my heart sang when he handed you to me.  You hit your mama's reset button.  I feel like my little family is so complete.  I am so happy and I can't wait to see what happens now.  

Love - Mommy           

::quinn::

"With out the rain there can be no rainbow."

Quinn Joshua 

7 lb 12oz

20 inches

Born at 3:22 on 2/3/12

Everything went just perfectly.

::choices::

~This is just the right choices for me.  We are all free to do what we find to be best for our family.  Please do what ever is right for your family.~ 
~This post should go up as I am driving to the hospital to have this newest little Mr Quinn.~

Why I choose to get induced -

     Because the risk factors related to a large for gestational age baby are not worth it to me and the placenta is not really designed to do much work after 41-42 weeks.  Waiting beyond that is not a risk that I am willing to take.  And my crazy body makes no progress - ever.  With Max I was 41 weeks, dilated to ZERO and barely effaced.  That kid was not coming on his own any time soon.  I got induced TWICE with him.  Once at 40 weeks and failed, then again at 41 weeks.  He was 9lbs 6oz.  Even if my placenta could have supported him longer, my body could have never delivered him if he had been much bigger.  Since I have had three vaginal deliveries, and my last living child was large, my OB recommended we go to 39 weeks this time.  Fine with me.  I normally wouldn't get behind an induction that was not at least 40 weeks plus, but with my history it made sense this time.  

Please link here to read more about issues related to large babies. 

Why I choose to give birth in a hospital -

  Because I believe in modern medicine.  It might be more comfortable for me to give birth at my house, but not for my baby.  My baby has to be born down the hall from a NICU and right next to a surgical suite.  Pioneers died giving birth because they didn't have the wonderful modern care that I do.  If my placenta abrupts suddenly, the only chance my baby has is to be torn out as fast as possible.  I don't care one bit about what is more calming and peaceful for me - I only care about what is the best out come for Quinn.  Giving birth at home is not even an option to me because I want Quinn to have the best care possible in case of an emergency.    

Why I choose to get an epidural -

     With my two previous living children I had epidurals.  With the baby we lost I did not.  I had the equivalent of a D and C with no meds on board.  I have met pain.  I can take it.  But why would I want to?  Who knows how long I will be in pain with Quinn?  Why not get some rest while I labor down.  They turn my epidural off when it is time to push.  It still hurts, but I have the energy to push when I need it.  That works very well for me.  If you can do it without it, good for you.  But we both got a baby out of the deal right?  There are some thoughts that epidurals slow down labor, but that has not been an issue for me.   

Why I pick who I do to be in the room -

     I have had Josh, my mother, and my mother in law in the past.  They are so wonderful and supportive.  I hope I am building karma that Lily will let me be in her deliveries.  This time I am letting my Hannah be in the room too.  We have been friends since we were little.  She has had two c-sections and is done with that part of her life.  She asked me if she could be there.  I had to think about this.  It seemed weird at first, but then it seemed like a great idea.  She is like a sister to me and I love her support.

Why did you guys make the birth choices you did?   

::what to bring to the hospital - having a baby::

I love a  good list.  When Lily was born I got online and backed up two suitcase worth of things to take with us to the hospital.  We had all kinds of birthing aids and a CD player and all sorts of other unneeded things.  Now that we are on baby 4 I think I have a much better idea of what I actually need.

Here is my packing list:

Head band 

     I can't stand my hair in my face

His and her's tooth brushes

Tooth paste

Chapstick

Brush

Hair bands

Shampoo and conditioner

Body soap

Body lotion

Makeup bag 

     You will get lots of pictures taken, when my Dr says its time to push I take a few minutes to add my makeup.  I am not a huge makeup person but with all the picture taking I have not regretted adding some mascara before hand.  Vain - maybe, but its the only time I am in the picture not taking it. 

White nail polish to touch up my french pedicure 

     I will looking at my toes and my OCD side will freak out if my   polish gets chipped

One pair of jammies

     You will be bleeding and leaking all kinds of gross stuff.  Nasty but true.  Don't hesitate to just wear the hospital gowns and get them gross.  You don't have to wash them.

Slipper and fun robe

Camera and charger

Ipad and charger

Extra Iphone charger

Going home in clothes

     If you are very lucky or 17 then bring your prebaby clothes.  If your not so lucky don't be sad to go home in your maternity clothes.  It's not a big deal.  Don't worry - your going to get your hot body back if you want to.

Baby clothes and hats (two or so for each day you plan to stay)

Two to three cute baby blankets (mostly for pictures)

Two swaddle bags

Ear plugs to rest in the too loud hospital

Pillows with fresh cases

Snacks (lots!  Candy to keep Josh happy)

Nursing bra's (I just like front snap bra's, nursing bra's to be are uncomfortable)

Josh clothes

A gift for Max and one for Lily - something for each to play with while they wait

Now that the rest of my crew will be waiting in the lobby with family they need major entertainment too.  There bag has:

Candy for each

Ipod with charger

Leap Frog Tag reader with books and extra betteries

Leap Frog Leap Pad with extra batteries

DVD player with charger and movies

Polly pockets for mass distraction

Now what else??

::38 weeks::

Nervous.  Nervous.  Nervous. Nervous.

Nervous.  

That's how I feel right now.  Overwhelmingly so.  My friend/mentor told me that after her loss, she held her breath until she heard her next son cry.  I have had every test under the sun.  My OB gave me ever thing I asked for.  I have had the best high risk OB GYN in the city consult on my pregnancy at least three times.  I have not had one tiny little blurb of abnormality.  I have had four different ultrasound people look at this baby, several different times each.  At some point you have to believe.  You have to believe what they say to you.  You have to just close your eyes and believe in your luck.

But I can see it around the corner of Josh's eyes and at the edges of his voice.  He is terrified too.  All he has managed to say out loud is, "I can't loose you.  Physically or emotionally.  I can't loose you."  Then change subject.  He is a wise soul as always.  Poor guy.  Last time he saw me give birth he was fairly sure he was watching me die, or at least watching me end up with an emergent hysterectomy (which would have killed me in a way and he knew it).     

Lily is on edge.  She keeps wanting to sit by me.  She wants to take a shower with me.  She wants to be near me at all times.  Touching me at all times.  Because she can smell the weirdness.  That kid has stellar instincts for peoples emotions.  She has been making me repeat what is happening on induction day.  Over and over.  Babies set their own schedules, so I keep reminding her that we have no real way of knowing how the day will go.  Something that finally helped her calm herself was when I told her that she gets to be the first person that is not going to be in the room when he his born to hold him.  That was a place of honor in her mind, so she has relaxed a bit. 

This is the last time I get pregnant.  I can't do this to them anymore.  The risks and the fears and the uncertainty is more than my little Lily and my Josh can handle.  This is it.  And I have known that in my heart.  Thank God I have peace with that, because it would be very difficult if I couldn't be done.

So - how about I try and just enjoy my last five days of being pregnant ever?  Rest and relax.  Don't make too many lists, unless they are on the DVR.  Play games with the short people and spend some quality couch time.  I have two more 8 hours shifts to fake it through.  No problem.  I just want to get started on maternity leave.  I want to get all agoraphobic with this baby.  I plan to leave my house as little as possible.  I want to spend as much time as possible nesting on the comfy couch with this little man.  The kids are going to be at school all day so we should get some good snuggle time.  I don't think any baby will have more pictures taken of it than this kid.    

Game time - predict what time you think he will be born and what his weight will be.   

     Me = 1:30pm  7 pounds 14 ounces

     Josh = 3pm 8 lbs

::36 weeks::

Today I went in to the OB for a check up and an ultrasound.  This ultrasound was to check on how big this little man is right now.  Since Max was a beast my OB wants an idea of how big this monster is so that if he is being stubborn about showing up we can use his weight as a factor in deciding what to do next.  

Quinn came in at 6lb 4 oz.  Which is the 68th percentile.  Nice.  Not huge, but good.  He got an 8 out of 8 on his bio-physical profile.  Very good.  He is head down, still a boy, and got a clean bill of health.  February 3rd is still the go to date.  I go back next week to double check his amniotic fluid, which was a bit on the low side of normal.  Not super low, just a tick.  I am dilated to 2cm and 50% effaced.  That's further than I ever got with the other kids outside of a hospital.   

 

::crap! When is this baby due?::

February 3rd.  No joke.  That is feeling very soon.  

I really had nothing done as of a week ago, because -

First - the biggest problem at all times is the dream killer - budget.  Quinn's decor budget is zero.  

Second - he is a fourth baby.  I got rid of everything after Max and the Great Mistake (the vasectomy that since got reversed).  But still - I just don't feel the need to pimp out a room for him.  I am going  to go hog wild on the shared room for Quinn and Max, which will happen as soon as Quinn is a decent sleeper.  (He currently has an elbow visibly sticking out of my belly.) 

Third - it feels unlucky.  Like if I get too ready for him, he will not come.  Jews have a cultural thing that they sometimes do that is to not buy anything for the baby till it is born.  I can kind of relate to that.  I'm not sure why they do it, but to me I just feel like it is tempting fate to get him too settled in before he is even born.  

But, ready or not he is coming and I don't want to spend the first three days home frantically throwing his stuff together.  Here is what I decided was the bare minimum to have done.  

1. I have his FREE car seat from my lovey Amy ready with the fuzzy winter cover on it.

2.  I have a few things set aside for him to take to the hospital - just a few outfits and socks.  I am notorious with poor Josh (the carrier of my luggage) as an over packer.  Not this time.

3.  I washed all of Quinn's clothes and folded/hung them up.  I got everything from the wonderful Mrs Maurer and I found one box of boys baby clothes in the attic that didn't get purged. He is set.  

4.  Organize the lockers as a dresser - basket for socks, shoes, bibs, pants, hats, blankets.  This locker is so stinking cool and I have really barely used it so far.  I will add shelves and use the space better in the future.  

5. Changing station in the family room

6.  Raise the crib mattress and move Max into extra bed in Lily's room.  He is not in to this idea.

7.  My breast pump is organized and ready to rock in case of engorgement - something I wish I had known with Lily.  I don't plan on using the bottles for awhile but they are ready to go. 

8.  The pack and play (MAURERS!), bouncy seat (MORE MAURERS), and swing (love me my Hannah) are ready to go.  And all free!  I need to set up a baby toy basket in the family room.  (With more free Maurer donations).

A blanket I actual bought this kid.

By going through and getting serious about setting things up I realized I had a bunch more stuff than I thought I did.  The breast pump, a boppy, a play mat, a mobile, etc.  It really is going to be just fine, and I have spent almost nothing putting it all back together.   

PS- the other day someone asked me if I meant to get pregnant with Quinn.  I told her, "He is a post vasectomy reversal, post age 30, fourth round, post infant loss baby.  Yes - I very much meant to get pregnant with him."

PSS- I love watching an entire series from start to finish while on leave - Oz, Sex and the City, The Sopranos - what should I watch this time?