I am sorry.
I am sorry that I spent the last year disconnected from you. I am sorry that I was a bad friend to you. I was disinterested and disconnected. I didn't call and I didn't show up, and if I did I was trying hard to be mental present - but I was not. Several of you had to give up on me, you had your own crap to deal with. I don't blame you. But I am ready to participate now. I came home from the hospital with Quinn and I had an emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time. I couldn't wait for my visits. I sincerely felt excited to spend time with friends. I didn't feel like I was the white elephant in the room any more. I don't feel like a big faker anymore.
I didn't want to internalize. It was a survival strategy. I was so fractured after the baby died that I couldn't function. But I knew that I had to "fake it till you make it". I had to get up every day and keep my family together. Over that time it became less fake and more real. I was pretty good around the shorties, but I just could not find the place in my brain that was able to be a friend. It was still hidden in fog. And once my soul was healed by Quinn I rediscovered the friend piece of my brain.
I want to sit with you guys. I want to have dinner and lunch. I want to get our hair did and talk about our crazy kids. I miss you, and if you are willing to take me back I would like to be your friend again.