::38 weeks::

Nervous.  Nervous.  Nervous. Nervous.

Nervous.  

That's how I feel right now.  Overwhelmingly so.  My friend/mentor told me that after her loss, she held her breath until she heard her next son cry.  I have had every test under the sun.  My OB gave me ever thing I asked for.  I have had the best high risk OB GYN in the city consult on my pregnancy at least three times.  I have not had one tiny little blurb of abnormality.  I have had four different ultrasound people look at this baby, several different times each.  At some point you have to believe.  You have to believe what they say to you.  You have to just close your eyes and believe in your luck.

But I can see it around the corner of Josh's eyes and at the edges of his voice.  He is terrified too.  All he has managed to say out loud is, "I can't loose you.  Physically or emotionally.  I can't loose you."  Then change subject.  He is a wise soul as always.  Poor guy.  Last time he saw me give birth he was fairly sure he was watching me die, or at least watching me end up with an emergent hysterectomy (which would have killed me in a way and he knew it).     

Lily is on edge.  She keeps wanting to sit by me.  She wants to take a shower with me.  She wants to be near me at all times.  Touching me at all times.  Because she can smell the weirdness.  That kid has stellar instincts for peoples emotions.  She has been making me repeat what is happening on induction day.  Over and over.  Babies set their own schedules, so I keep reminding her that we have no real way of knowing how the day will go.  Something that finally helped her calm herself was when I told her that she gets to be the first person that is not going to be in the room when he his born to hold him.  That was a place of honor in her mind, so she has relaxed a bit. 

This is the last time I get pregnant.  I can't do this to them anymore.  The risks and the fears and the uncertainty is more than my little Lily and my Josh can handle.  This is it.  And I have known that in my heart.  Thank God I have peace with that, because it would be very difficult if I couldn't be done.

So - how about I try and just enjoy my last five days of being pregnant ever?  Rest and relax.  Don't make too many lists, unless they are on the DVR.  Play games with the short people and spend some quality couch time.  I have two more 8 hours shifts to fake it through.  No problem.  I just want to get started on maternity leave.  I want to get all agoraphobic with this baby.  I plan to leave my house as little as possible.  I want to spend as much time as possible nesting on the comfy couch with this little man.  The kids are going to be at school all day so we should get some good snuggle time.  I don't think any baby will have more pictures taken of it than this kid.    

Game time - predict what time you think he will be born and what his weight will be.   

     Me = 1:30pm  7 pounds 14 ounces

     Josh = 3pm 8 lbs