::week 6 - meet plus sign::

"With out the rain there can be no rainbow." - or rainbow baby 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Dear Plus Sign,

Hello little friend.  You have a different ride than your older siblings did.  From the second I saw their plus signs I was delirious, literally planning their first birthday parties, thinking about were they would go to kindergarten, being a crazy planner.  But when your brother Zack died he added lots of things to me.  (Read entire story under my infant loss label) But he also took some.  He took my pure joy away and left something that didn't exist before.   He left doubt in my heart.  I always thought that because I got pregnant so fast and carried the first two to 41 weeks I was indestructible.  Pregnancy was something I could do.  No problem.  But when Zack died I lost that confidence.

BUT - instead of wallowing in fear lets focus.  I found out about you on June 5th.  After spending the day in the immediate care and ER with your WILD brother.  I realized that I was two days late for my period.  I had tested the week before, with a negative, so I assumed that I was not pregnant.  I have had negative tests with all four of my babies.  Not sure why.  Must be something in my hormones.  But after that test on the 5th, I saw your little plus sign.

I felt totally numb.  No emotion at all.  But over the next few days I forced your Dad to talk about it.   I told your Lily, she is delirious.  I started to tell myself it was true.  And this little star of joy started to build in my heart.  It's cautious, but it just keeps building and building.  I find myself smiling for no reason, expect because of you.

So here is my strategy.  Right after Zack died Lily asked me if our baby goat was going to die, which she didn't because I gave her CPR - link here.  I told her "It might die, but babies are worth the risk."  And that is the truth.  I have given myself permission to take some time to warm up to this new plus sign, but I am going to push myself to love him as much as possible as soon as possible.  At least Zack spent all the time he had being adored.  He may not have made it to be born - which would have been sometime around today - but he had a perfect little life. 

My symptoms - tingle in my hands (usual) and fierce energy (that will not last)

Names:

girl - Charlotte Maclay

boy - Charles Maclay

                       I am just loving the nickname Charlie

Josh says NO to Maclay.  That is my favorite dog ever, who I had in college.  He says you can't  name a kid after a dog.  I am going to fight hard, but he is pretty dug in about it. 

LOVE

Mommy