Side note - someone asked me what kind of nurse I was and I said NICU. Not Resource Team. That's good. And I called St Vincent my "home" on accident, which is also good. It means that maybe I have not changed as much as I thought. I really still think about St Vincent NICU as my safe place, but that doesn't change the fact that I need this little sabbatical. I think. I have a drug dosage test today. If I fail that we will see how much my ego needs this.
Kids - Max. Oh Max. I have been thinking about Max a lot lately. I wonder if he will ever know that he was the single most important thing that kept me from really totally going over the edge when Zack died. He didn't pity me. He didn't really care. His total and perfect three year old selfishness made me get up every day and feed him and take care of him and move on one little step at a time. My relationship with him had grown deeply through this process. That's a lot of need from a parent for a little man, but when not destroying his entire surroundings, he seems to take it very well. Of course my Lily is essential too, but she had to go back to school. It was Max and I all day. Thank God I was not alone.
General - I feel the best I have felt in a really long time - since I got pregnant with Zack in October. I was a puker pretty much from the start with that kid. I will be with this one too, but it hasn't hit yet. I feel a lot like myself again. Improved in many ways, but for this stupid social anxiety that tries to choke me out at times.