Wednesday, April 6, 2011

::team lead:

I got to be team lead (TL) today. 

It was  big deal to me. 

TL = a job in the NICU.  It changes daily.  Main job is to help assist the nurses on the third floor and try to keep the place under control. 

I have wanted to be TL for years.  But the charge nurses saw some holes in my personality that needed repaired before I would be picked.  They never flat out said that, but that was the reason I worked there four years before being asked to be TL.  (Usually, it takes people about 2 years to be TL.)  They were right - I did have some big things to fix before I was ready. 

But much has changed in me in the past few months...

Click on my infant loss label for the details.

Today was a whipping. 

I RAN around all day trying to stay in front of it all.  For a first time as TL I think I did OK.  I certainly was trying.  Always room to improve.  I got about three times my usually amount of steps on my pedometer. 

I felt good.  Successful.  I took a stressful day and attacked it with my old vigor.

Then the floor dropped out.

For privacy laws and for my respect for the family I will not explain in detail.  But an unfair and very sudden end happened, and I found myself at the front line.

Once the medical aspect became futile, I am really glad that a wiser soul than me led me out of the room. 

When you scratch away the first five layers, I am nothing but a momma who lost her baby and just wants to cry about it for the next year.  And once I left that room, my heart let go and cracked.  But I pulled it back in.  Because I honestly fear that if I ever just let myself GO I will have a long hard road recalling it.

But I still had more time left in the day.  Not much.  But enough that I wanted to finish it out.  I didn't want my first day as TL to end with me leaving the unit to go check myself in to the stress center.  

So, I found some self discipline and I finished the day.  I stayed on task and got it done.  I watched a few funny video's on my phone of Max to calm my brain.  (Josh and I watched the same ones in the hospital with Zack) 

Then I got in my car and started the drive home.

And then I cried so hard I had to pull over and just let it go.  I cried and cried and cried.

I haven't cried that hard since the morning after we got home from the hospital and I woke up with a jolt and for one great second, thought it was all a bad dream.   

I have held back my own pain, but this other mothers pain I could not deny.  The unfairness and suddenness of her loss... Terrible.  Unfair.  It rocked my soul.  So I cried.  For us both.  And I mourn for us both.

And right now I don't know what I want.  Can I still do this job?  If I am going to, especially as the occasional TL, then I have to be able to take the worst of this job too. 

When do I get to stop being a hot mess?  Am I getting any better or just treading water? 


  1. You have to allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to let go. I think you did great, when you no longer could handle it, you left the room, got a hold on yourself and finished your job. Then later you let yourself cry. That is good. You are getting better. Don't beat yourself up for showing grief, but celebrate the little victories like being the TL today and being able to finish your job even though it was hard. Love to you.

  2. ugh....I'm sorry....I'm sorry that any mommy has to go through what you and I have gone through...babies aren't supposed to die before their's not fair...

    I give you credit...i don't think i could do it...I couldn't watch other mothers start on the journey that you and i have gone through....i know all too well what's ahead for that mother, and it's not a fun journey...

    But you, my dear, are (in my opinion) just the person for the job. You were a calm and rational voice in the midst of my storm with Joshua. (and the email that you sent a few months later brought more healing than you will ever know) Your experience with Zack will make you that much more compassionate. It may be too soon right now, but you will get there....and once you have arrived, you will be beyond compassionate and loving to the parents who have just experienced the worst day of their lives.

    Even though you never cared for Joshua, I know you are a great nurse.

  3. I've have been reading your blog for a while now but have never left a comment. Now I feel a little compelled to post. First, time does heal, but time is SLOW, and for you to have been through what you have, I have to say I'm inspired, because of how strong you are! With time, things will get better, I don't think anyone will ever heal completely from what you have been through, but you will get better slowly with time. Secondly as a nurse myself, in labor and delivery, these situations where someone experiences a loss, it tests us, and we hurt for them. The fact that you made it through the day is a testament to how strong you really are. If you did not cry at all, or feel pain, for their loss, then I would say it's time for a new profession. I don't think I can say anything that will really make you feel better, but I had to post to tell you how inspiring you are!

  4. Brookie, So glad you did TL. I'm sure you did great. I'm glad you had some time alone in the car and unloaded a bit, but my heart breaks when I imagine you that shredded. Hugs and love to you my friend.



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