I got to be team lead (TL) today.
It was big deal to me.
TL = a job in the NICU. It changes daily. Main job is to help assist the nurses on the third floor and try to keep the place under control.
I have wanted to be TL for years. But the charge nurses saw some holes in my personality that needed repaired before I would be picked. They never flat out said that, but that was the reason I worked there four years before being asked to be TL. (Usually, it takes people about 2 years to be TL.) They were right - I did have some big things to fix before I was ready.
But much has changed in me in the past few months...
Click on my infant loss label for the details.
Today was a whipping.
I RAN around all day trying to stay in front of it all. For a first time as TL I think I did OK. I certainly was trying. Always room to improve. I got about three times my usually amount of steps on my pedometer.
I felt good. Successful. I took a stressful day and attacked it with my old vigor.
Then the floor dropped out.
For privacy laws and for my respect for the family I will not explain in detail. But an unfair and very sudden end happened, and I found myself at the front line.
Once the medical aspect became futile, I am really glad that a wiser soul than me led me out of the room.
When you scratch away the first five layers, I am nothing but a momma who lost her baby and just wants to cry about it for the next year. And once I left that room, my heart let go and cracked. But I pulled it back in. Because I honestly fear that if I ever just let myself GO I will have a long hard road recalling it.
But I still had more time left in the day. Not much. But enough that I wanted to finish it out. I didn't want my first day as TL to end with me leaving the unit to go check myself in to the stress center.
So, I found some self discipline and I finished the day. I stayed on task and got it done. I watched a few funny video's on my phone of Max to calm my brain. (Josh and I watched the same ones in the hospital with Zack)
Then I got in my car and started the drive home.
And then I cried so hard I had to pull over and just let it go. I cried and cried and cried.
I haven't cried that hard since the morning after we got home from the hospital and I woke up with a jolt and for one great second, thought it was all a bad dream.
I have held back my own pain, but this other mothers pain I could not deny. The unfairness and suddenness of her loss... Terrible. Unfair. It rocked my soul. So I cried. For us both. And I mourn for us both.
And right now I don't know what I want. Can I still do this job? If I am going to, especially as the occasional TL, then I have to be able to take the worst of this job too.
When do I get to stop being a hot mess? Am I getting any better or just treading water?