~On January 17th my third pregnancy ended at 18 weeks ,
the entire story can be read here~
Were is my head now?
If you asked me if I was happy, I would answer you yes.
And I would mean it.
And sometimes I wouldn't be able to answer you because I am a rotten liar.
But you wouldn't notice I blew you off, because I am the master of changing the subject.
I just grew up in too much of a "Everything is fine - especially if we don't talk about it" kind of family to be able to let myself go.
It's eye contact that kills me. I can talk about it here on my blog, I can talk about it via email, I can even talk about it on the phone. But I can't make eye contact and talk about the baby that died and what it is still doing to me. It's too intense.
But then a huge part of me wants to talk about it. Wants to discuss the fact that I caught my own baby.
How horrifying. Who does that? Did that really happen to me?
I can't shake that memory. It is crystal clean vivid to me like it just happened.
Sometimes I think the next pregnancy (this summer???) will fix that. But I think that is delusional.
I really do like the new me better but right this second I REALLY miss the old me. The person who made connections easily and deeply. The person who didn't live in constant social anxiety.
I guess that is what I am really getting at. I do not like this degree of social anxiety I am living with. I have lost my ability to feel natural with most of my friends. Everything I do feels staged or fake or programmed. I don't every feel relaxed around anyone but Josh and the kids anymore. (And a few others)
But I want to feel that connection to other people again. I am just not sure how anymore.
How do I get that honest feeling back again?
Time? Effort? What?