Friday, April 1, 2011

::state of mind::

~On January 17th my third pregnancy ended at 18 weeks ,
the entire story can be read here~

Were is my head now?

Pretty good.

If you asked me if I was happy, I would answer you yes.

And I would mean it.


And sometimes I wouldn't be able to answer you because I am a rotten liar.

But you wouldn't notice I blew you off, because I am the master of changing the subject.

I just grew up in too much of a "Everything is fine - especially if we don't talk about it" kind of family to be able to let myself go.


It's eye contact that kills me.  I can talk about it here on my blog, I can talk about it via email, I can even talk about it on the phone.  But I can't make eye contact and talk about the baby that died and what it is still doing to me.  It's too intense.

But then a huge part of me wants to talk about it.  Wants to discuss the fact that I caught my own baby.

How horrifying.  Who does that?   Did that really happen to me?
I can't shake that memory.  It is crystal clean vivid to me like it just happened.

Sometimes I think the next pregnancy (this summer???) will fix that.  But I think that is delusional.

I really do like the new me better but  right this second I REALLY miss the old me.  The person who made connections easily and deeply.  The person who didn't live in constant social anxiety. 

I guess that is what I am really getting at.  I do not like this degree of social anxiety I am living with.  I have lost my ability to feel natural with most of my friends.  Everything I do feels staged or fake or programmed.  I don't every feel relaxed around anyone but Josh and the kids anymore.  (And a few others)

But I want to feel that connection to other people again.  I am just not sure how anymore. 

How do I get that honest feeling back again?

Time?  Effort?  What?


  1. Time will help and talking about with someone. I have lost two, but not that late in the pregnancy. I am still sore about it. It is a part of me and it will always be there.
    My mom lost two as well. My older brother when she was around 20 weeks pregnant, she was home alone. My younger brother at birth because the hospital made a mistake. She was not able to talk about it with anyone until after I had children. I only knew because my grandmother told me. She is still grieving over my brothers.
    Everyone reacts differently to the loss and everyone has different ways to deal with it.
    The process of grieving is natural and you just have to take your time.

  2. I have no words of wisdom, only (((HUGS))).

  3. Oh Brooke, I have been there and am still there to a degree.

    I never experienced death until Joshua. What an awful way to experience death for the first time ever.

    I find that almost every social interaction- from going to the grocery store to going to church or paying for gas- it extremely awkward for me. I never know who I'm going to run into, who is going to ask how the baby is doing.

    I've lost my best friends, but gained new ones. People who understand my awkwardness and my uneasiness- not by experience, but because they knew the old Jill and now see the new Jill. They understand (as best that they can) that I will NEVER be the same.

    Just continue to give it time. Withdraw from social interactions if you need to, just don't do it permanently. Don't be afraid to tell others exactly how you feel about being awkward. If they don't understand or at least attempt to understand, then they aren't worth it.

    It will get easier as time goes on and the gaping wound starts to heal over. Just do what you need to do for YOU!

    Love ya!

  4. I read your post this morning and wanted to respond, but did not have the words. Turns out I still don't have the words, but I want to ditto everything that these other smart women have said. You will never be the same, but perhaps the new Brooke will take on some of the characteristics of the old Brooke with time and healing. I wanted to stop back by this afternoon to make sure someone had posted a response and to let you know that I care. Take care, Brooke.

  5. I totally "get" the social anxiety thing. I hid behind emails, texts, & blogs for a long time. Still do to a point. Talking face-to-face or on the phone is still very difficult for me. My thoughts get all foggy & my words jumbled up. I feel like the real me comes out through writing. Seems to work for you as well. So vent away! Get it out. You'll be surprised how much better you'll feel & how many other people (like myself) you will help with your words.



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