::things I never say::

**I feel like I seen too many babies go in the past little stretch, and I need to get it out of my head.  This is not written to any baby in particular, more of a generalization of a few different babies put together**

Dear Mom of some of my babies,

These are all the things that I want to tell you, but I somehow never get to.  

I am so sorry.  This is so unfair.  This should never happen to anyone.  I know what it is to love a baby before it is even born.  To love that baby from the moment you see the plus sign on the stick.  Your love for that baby is no less than the love a mother feels for any child.  I wish you never had to go through this.  No one should have to.  I don't know why it was you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It wasn't the Mexican food you ate, it wasn't the bath you took, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.  But you will probably never believe me.  

I want you to know that this is going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through.  There are very few people that you can ask for help coping with this.  When your Mom comes to visit and she tells you, "Don't worry honey, she is just small.  She will grow."  I wish she was right.  But in this one case, your mother has no idea what she is talking about.  I don't want to be the one to tell you what you already feel in your heart, but your baby is probably not going to make it.  The most unfair thing in the word is going to happen.  Your baby is going to die.  And if she doesn't die her brain scans show us that she is going to be unable to see or hear.  She is going to be unable to communicate.  She is going to end up with a trach and a G tube.  She is not going to know much else besides discomfort and pain.  She will be able to live for awhile.  We can make her do that.  But should we?  

I will do it if you make me.  I will continue to take lab test from her and do things to her that I wish I didn't have to.  But I will also tell her I am sorry every time I have to.  I will tell her "They don't know honey.  I know you want to go, but they just aren't ready yet.  Give them a few more days."  And just when I start to wonder if you will every do the right thing, you figure it out.  You do the most selfless thing that I have every seen a mother do.  You sacrifice your own heart to let your baby move on.  You did the right thing.  Don't ever doubt that.  You know you did.  She asked you to.  Be brave.  My heart bleeds for you.  I am so sorry - and that will never be enough.  You also don't care right now, but I am so proud of you.  And so is your baby angel. 

Love,

Your Nurse