Thursday, January 20, 2011

::random thoughts::

Looked back thru all my letters to nugget.  

I am really glad to have them.

I am still glad I got to have him for that short time.  

He was basically all mine during that time.  That makes me sad for Josh.

I am so sad that the kids had to be there when we couldn't find the heart beat.

I couldn't even look at them.  I knew Lily would smell my panic.

I am scared to death to try again.  But I have too.  No doubt.  Maybe another Disney baby in October?  Like Lily was.

Could I seriously wait till October.  I want to.  I want an early summer baby.  But we can start trying as soon as April.  

If you want to cry your eyes out let me show you the blog post I wrote about all the things I want to do with this baby on my maternity leave.  I also wrote one about my hope and dreams for him.  Seriously.  What do I do with that?  Its so sweet that its almost laughable.

Speaking of laugh.  Why did I start laughing when the resident couldn't get my placenta out?  I passed the grossest blood clot and then I started laughing.  "That's the grossest thing every.  Your job sucks!"  Then laugh and laugh.  What the hell is wrong with me.  It's still a little funny.  Why?????

I let Lily paint my nails.  Don't think I am cracked out if you see them.  
Josh and I say really inappropriate things to each other.  I told him in the hospital, "Thank God I am all trimmed up and my toes are painted!"  He laughed like that was actually funny.  

Josh - poor Josh.  I made him have this baby.  He says, "You can't make me do anything."  I say bullshit.  He says, "I never let you make us move.  I never let you keep you horses.  I can lay down the law if I mean it.  I wanted another baby too."  He might be lying.

Then he tells me that he was terrified that I was going to bleed to death after the baby was born.  He really thought I was going to die.  Every baby, he thinks I am dying.  This time... there was lots of blood.  SO GROSS!  Poor guy.  How can I do this to him again?

How do I know if I need to send Lily to a therapist?  How do I know if I need one?  I don't think I do.  I am actually worried that this is not effecting me enough.  Is it just my NICU nurse brain running the show?  Is that a bad thing?

I feel such relief in the fact that I caught this baby.  If I wasn't a NICU nurse I would not have even known to be on the watch to try and catch him.   

Josh and I are talking about this a lot.  One of the things we say is that we are so relieved that if this was going to happen it happened before we had any choices.  He was already dead for two weeks before we even knew.  And he was only 16 weeks when he died.  There where no consultations with my NICU Dr about what care to do.  There is nothing to do.  We didn't have to make the terrible choices of when to stop.  It all happened so fast and with almost no options.  The best way for us.

I was starting to have some problems at work on Sunday.  Some spotting that I told Shelly about.  And cramping that I didn't tell any one about.  Shelly wanted me to go to triage and I told her no.  "If I am loosing this baby what are they going to do?"  I was mostly joking.  Odd how that turned out.

I went into labor on Sunday night.  I was cramping and having some issues.  And just wrote it all off.  By the time I checked in the hospital Monday I was almost to the point that I would have started to admit something was wrong. 

I am SOSOSOSOSOSO glad that I didn't deliver the baby at home in the middle of the night.  Horrific.   


  1. Our situation was completely different from yours, but we did get our entire family into some counseling. Caleb went for 5 weeks, Hannah went for 1 session. I've been going to almost 3 months, and Shane just started 3 weeks ago.

    I felt like it wasn't a bad idea to get the kids into it- the worst that would happen is that the therapist would say they felt like they didn't need it. (That's what ended up happening.)

    I struggle the most with the fact that Shane wasn't there when Joshua died. He was only there on the weekends. He didn't get the chance to really know his own son. And then he was gone. I carry that guilt with me every day of my life- even though we both know that he was doing what he had to do for our family- providing insurance and finances and taking care of our other children.

    I also feel the same way about another baby. I don't know if we can go through it all again. But every fiber of my being says to try again. We'll see what happens.

    Don't rush yourself and your feelings. There is no set of rules that says how you should feel. If you think it's funny, laugh about it. If you don't feel much of anything, don't force yourself. Shane felt like that for quite a while- he just didn't feel much of anything.

    sorry- this comment turned into a novel.

    Just remember that I am continuing to pray for you and your family.

  2. Hi there, I'm newer to your blog so I feel a little bit like I'm peeking in on something too private... but one thing you said caught me-- the thing about worrying that it's not affecting you enough-- I felt the same way when my mother was terminally ill and passed away-- I felt nothing and just wanted to go about with my daily routine with my small children. In the two years since her passing though, the feelings have surfaced at odd times and odd days, catching me off guard at inappropriate times... I guess my point is, don't feel guilty or worry for how you are coping right now, and don't be surprised if you feel things later at all the wrong times. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. Prayers for you and your family.

  3. I scrap booked a page about the baby we lost. I got all my feelings out on paper. We still talk about the baby and the children are fine. They realize that they have another baby in heaven and that every December that child would have been a year older. I put a stocking out every year in remembrance of our little one. It is hard and I was so angry at the idea of losing that baby but as time goes on it gets easier. Hoping you have a good day!



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