::frantic::

Oh my.  A month off.  

Dear goodness.  The lists are growing!

Any one who knows me knows that I am cra-d-a-zeeee!  

While the TV was babysitting Max today I worked on my list.

The list.

The list of crap I want to do to keep myself distracted.  

1.  Max's Room

Paint, new bed, book shelves, new dresser, little rug, wall reading lamp, dead bolt on the outside (J/K)

2.  Family Room Craft Area

Oh just wait till you see what I have in store for this poor wall (and poor Josh)

3.  Paint the bathroom and trim

That shabby chic look is not on purpose

4.  Paint the entry way

Again, I hate shabby chic.  It isn't supposed to be that way.  It is just so chipped and beat up.

5.  Really plan out the garden (Like I haven't been on that already)

June may be a rough time (nuggets due date), but the vibrant life in my garden will at least help distract me.

6.  Start weight watchers - if I can't be pregnant I am going to be hot.  Getting a baby belly with out getting a baby is total BS.  So, I say that I get to get my flat abs back.  Why not?  They left with Lily, but I want them back.  Don't worry ladies I can't over due it.  (Damn you QDOBA!)  But a healthier hotter Brooke is never a bad thing.  So as of the 28th I go back on weight watchers and as of Feb 10th (post Dr check) I start P90X.  I want to be so hot it makes the kids slightly uncomfortable.   

Side note - a mental update:  

this was written this morning.  The post above was written yesterday.

Had a little pity party for myself last night.  I have no idea why.  By the time Josh got home I was feeling sleepy and unable to focus.  Is that depression?  Because its dumb.  I tried to fake it for the family time.  In bed that night Josh broke the spell (that sounds dirty, but stay with me).  I asked him how his was doing and he said, "I stopped feeling sorry for myself."  Magic words.  

I was feeling sorry for myself.  Poor Brooke has the greatest farm possible, the cutest/smartest/funniest kids, the most amazing husband, the best possible support system alive, the money skills to survive this little dry stint.  Poor little Brooke.  BOILER UP!!!  This pity crap doesn't suit me.  I don't want it and I don't need it.  

I am sad.  This whole thing is sad.  But not pitiful.  I am no victim.  I feel no guilt.  This baby just had bad plumping.  There is not one single thing we could have done to save him.  I am really thank ful I got 18 weeks of patting him and a few weeks of feeling him move.  I am glad I didn't know anything was wrong with him till it was too late.  We had a good time together.  

Focus on these people in front of me.  Feel sad, don't bury it.  But don't over do it, don't let it rule me.  I had pulled out his foot prints and things to show to someone today.  I'm not looking at them again for awhile.  Set's me back.  You guys can look at them if you want to.  I will show you all day.  But I am not.