I am obsessed with my kids. From the time I was old enough to put together the idea that women have the babies I knew that was a gig for me. My sister and I had a pact that if we had no male prospects by 35 we would move in together and we would each have an AI baby of our own. (That is not a joke.) Luckily for those possible sperm donor kids, things did not go that way. I need my Josh to balance out my crazies.
Speaking of crazies, here is the point of my post today. Again - I ADORE these little monkey's. BUT some days I feel like if I hear another person say "MOM!" I am going to scream. I am trying to start up my little photo portrait side business (just for fun) and I am taking numerous pictures of the kiddos. Today we went outside to take shots. Emma is always willing to pose for me. Max can only be photographed in action shots, and Lily only wants to have her picture taken if I am focused on someone else. As I was getting some good shots of Max, and playing with him too, I could hear her behind me yelling "MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM..." over and over till I saw red before my eyes. I turned and meant it when I yelled at her. I wasn't wrong to tell her to stop, but why the yelling/rage?
I know that I struggle with my temper. It is one of my traits that I wish I could remove. I love the times that I can feel it rising and I can just beat it back. But that has to be very early. Why do I sometimes fail at it? When I do snap and yell, I can tell that it scares the kids. It scared me when I saw that kind of behavior when I was a kid. So why can't I catch it every time? Don't pat me on the head and tell me that it is ok, because it is not. It is NEVER ok for me to loose it with these guys or they are going to do the same thing to their kids. I heard Lily raging at Emma the other day when she didn't know I could hear and she sounded just like me. Horrible.
This stops today. I promised myself that if there is something in my life that just isn't working than I would change it. No nagging or fussing, Just fix the stupid problem and get back to the good stuff. I need a plan. I need something that works for me, so when I feel that rage building I can get it back. If I just sit on it and don't rage then it builds up higher and I really explode. Then I get very remorseful. That is the exact same cycle that abusers follow. I rarely spank my kids but my occasional rages are gross. I need real life ways to get it out of my system in a healthy manner. It has to be something that I can do right at that second that I see that red haze in front of my eyes (ps-I don't literally see red so don't freak out). I need advice. Help.