:13-14 weeks::

Oh whew.  I get so very nervous to admit on paper that I am actually starting to believe a little bit.  Just a little – that this kid might actually be born and be a part of this family.  I had my 13 weeks first trimester screening with the high risk doctor.
 
The 13 week screening is a completely voluntary screening which combines labwork and ultrasound to look for some pretty major issues with your pregnancy.  Big bad nasty trisomies (gene extras) that I really can’t bring myself to go into any more detail about – let’s just say non of them are good.  They didn’t have this test when I had Max and Lily.  And for the record, Zack passed this test.  Which his autopsy showed that he was genetically normal.  (If you want to read Zack’s story go to my infant loss label.)
 
The labwork is now done ahead of time and then you get the ultrasound to look for different markers.  I made sure to stress to them that I lost a baby in January (why does that still seem like a very recent event?) and why we lost him.  The ultrasound tech totally humored me.  She walked me through all of the babies features and measurements.  They were all perfectly normal.  Then she spent a great chunk of time check his umbilical cord attachment.  She talked to me about how it was placed great and had good placental contact.  And then I started crying.  Tearing up just thinking about it right now.
 
Next Dr Sumners himself comes strolling in.  He looks at everything and we talk a little too much about Zack.  Then he looks through all the ultrasound pictures.  Then he said the one thing that actually cracked my ice heart and just made me flood with attachment to this person, “I think you can enjoy this baby.”
 
That shouldn’t be such a big deal.  Once sentence.  But this is a man that looks people in the eye 10 times and day and says, “Your baby is going to die, and so will any future pregnancies.”  He has to be that direct.  As a nurse I’ve heard him be REALLY straight with people.  But he didn’t say that to me.  He threw me some hope and I grabbed it, because he doesn’t pull punches.  He would just tell me.
 
Side note – in Zack’s 13 week check we didn’t check his cord placement.  It’s not something they usually look at that young.  I am a little glad I didn’t know because there would have been nothing to be done about it, and he still would have died.
 
So…
 
Dear Shortie 4.5,
Hi friend.  I already love you.  I can’t wait to meet you.  If you can humor me and wait till your scheduled induction date I would really appreciate it.  I really want Dr Rainy to deliver you like she did your brothers and sister.  But you do what you got to do.  BUT YOU COOK TILL AT LEAST 38 WEEKS!  That’s an order.  It hasn’t previously been an issue, so let’s just keep on that course.
I love your little movement on ultrasound.  To see you MOVE and not float on that screen was pure bliss.  Daddy loves you to.  He plays tough and does his thing but I saw some tear wiping out of the corner of my eye in our ultrasound when we saw you dancing.
I have no idea were you are going to sleep or who is going to babysit you.  Maybe I should start thinking about that.  I had your Lily’s room done totally by 19 weeks, and I never even really did your brothers room.  I am hoping to do up something more for you.  We will find out your gender on September 9th and then the planning will begin.
 
Current favorite names:
Lucas Joshua
Gwyneth Anna (or Gwenith Isabelle)
 
Love,
Your Mommy                           -no matter what