On January 17th I found out that my much anticipated and easy 18 week pregnancy was over. We went in to my 11am appointment with all three of the other kids and there was no heart beat. We delivered him that night. It was the most traumatic event of my entire life. It fundamentally changed me. But I feel like it mostly changed me in good ways.
The goods -
I am focused. Majorly. On the shorties and on Josh. I refuse to allow anything to get in the way of that. Josh and I are the best we have ever been. I thought we were already good but our relationship is even more connected now.
I am a more genuine me. I am truer to my own instincts and emotions. I have seen the dark corner of my head pretty clearly and made it back. I know what I am and what I am not.
I am quieter and more thoughtful. And I like that a lot. I never thought that would appeal to me, but it does. When I am at work I am focused on the job at hand. I am striving to give even the "easy" babies the best day possible. I am trying to listen to Lily before I just jump on her for breaking the rules. I am stopping to read Max a book in the middle of the day, or to just hear him talk to me for 20 minutes about why he threw Buzz Light Year down the central air vent.
I no longer voice every negative thought that comes into my head. To say it outloud gives it power and weight. The day that I found out Zack died I dropped all the other negative thoughts and drama in my head and I felt so light. I could focus on surviving my trauma and not carrying this dark cloud of drama around with me. I hate what happened with Zack, but I love that I learned how to clear my mind. Just drop the petty drama. It's only a fight if you fight back. Work related she-said-he-said BS is nuts. It is drama created just for the sake of having some drama and I want nothing to do with it. It has occasionally been a habit that has been hard to break but I am getting better at it every day. And I LOVE the lightness that it brings to my spirit.
I feel hopeful and very excited about the future. I hope to get pregnant again this summer. I have a fun adults only trip planned this summer. Disney with the family is coming up in October. The baby goat is due with in the next week. This summer is going to rock it out. The garden is going to be amazing. I am working out and eating well and it makes me happy. I get on the scale with a smile on my face because I am getting slim and trim to make this round with the new Cheeto easier. My head is back in the game and I am excited to let my creative side run wild.
The bads -I am a cautious friend. I am too worried about protecting my recently acquired sense of peace. You push me into a corner and I will emotionally shut down and disappear. You bring drama to me that is not worth fight over and I am out. But - I had an amazing friend come to me last week with a very private and real problem and I felt very emotionally engaged. I was totally focused on her, and kind of stunned she came to me with it. I felt so honored. I need to work on this. I can't just emotionally engage in situations that I deem to be worthy. But I also am not going to throw fuel on a fire of a "self-created" drama. I need to find a balance.