Tuesday, January 29, 2013

::two years latter::

Maclay and Lily May 2005
 About two years ago we lost a baby.  I was 18 weeks pregnant and flying high.  My life had never been touched by unanticipated tragedy.  I am humiliated to admit that I wasn't even totally following my prenatal care plan.  My 18 week appointment, were we heard no heart beat, was actually my 16 week appointment.  I had so much faith in my luck.  Blind faith.  Then the floor fell out.  I talk about it all in great detail on my infant loss tab.  But the summary is - it took me a good year and a healthy Quishy to get it together.  It broke my heart to heal it stronger.  The whole event improved me as a person and pushed me out of my comfort zone and into new experiences.  I can't say I wish I'd had that baby, because then I wouldn't have Quinny.  And I NEED my Quinn.  

BUT - the other day I was behind a car that had a bumper sticker that said this -

I had this unexpected black rage go over my eyes.  I had my hand on the door knob to get out and knock on their window to explain to them why they were a complete and total dumb ass.  Don't you dare compare your dog to my child.  

I had this wonderful dog in high school and collage.  She was so cute and smart.  Maclay.  She was the focus of my life.  I took her everywhere.  I was never without her.  I hated leaving her.  She went of the road with me to all my horse shows.  We were devoted to each other.  She died when Lily was about one and a half.  I cried my eyes out.  I was so sad.  

That pain was nothing compared to the baby I lost.  Not even close.  I loved that dog, but my soul was attached to that baby.  That baby lived inside my body, I felt him kick and turn and move and groove.  Josh and I created him about of our love for each other.  He was a sibling to my other children.  He was so much more important than a dog.  And that effing dog bumper sticker just made me want to flip out.    

another stupid statement
I consider myself to be a dog lover.  I have always had a dog.  I enjoy them.  They are funny and make a great companion.  But they are dogs.  They are not humans.  I have never met someone that has children that still says - I love my dog like a child.  I would tell people that Maclay was my baby.  I have as many pictures of her as I do of Lily.  If you don't have kids, for what ever reason (choice, circumstance, whatever) - love that dog.  Dress it in clothes and make it your "baby".  Its not hurting any one.  You're free to say anything stupid that you want - but just try to think a little bit.  Just a bit.  Please.  My struggle with the loss of my baby is nothing to that family that is being torn apart by childhood leukemia or other illness.  Don't say you love your dog like I love my child.  How about just - "I love my dog"? 

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