Sunday, May 20, 2012
::what I didn't know::
~Zack - a name we picked on the way to hospital to deliver a baby we knew was already dead. We spelled it like that because we where leaning toward naming him Jack and he loved Zofran (antinausea med). If he had been a girl his name was Zoey because it was the only name I could think of that started with a Z. ~
What I didn't know then:
Depression is a terrible thing. I had never had more than a downer day in my life till Zack died. I didn't know or respect what real depression felt like. I didn't sink into a total black hole, but I tipped my feet over the edge. I hated it, but it felt out of my control.
I wish that I had gotten professional help the day after I went home. I wish I had emerged myself into intensive therapy. I don't think it would have taken me a year to get back on track if I had. I kept seeing small improvements so I thought I didn't need help. I was so stuck in the muck mentally that I couldn't do any more than get up every day and make it through. I think a therapist would have helped me define healing goals and helped me make better progress.
People morn differently. I felt the loss of Zack very intensely. He was a real person to me. He had a spirit and I craved him. Josh hadn't really thought about it all that much yet. He got over the loss very quickly. And he missed me while I wallowed in my grief.
Great loss brought me great personal growth. I mentally aged five years, and I had that room to grow. I like the person that I have become. I wish it hadn't taken an earthquake to get me on track, but it usually does.
At this point in my life I am not weighed down by the grief anymore. I honestly don't think about it every day any more. It comes up at odd moments but my sadness related to my loss is under control. I feel relief to be past the worst part of it.