::what I didn't know::

~Zack - a name we picked on the way to hospital to deliver a baby we knew was already dead.  We spelled it like that because we where leaning toward naming him Jack and he loved Zofran (antinausea med).  If he had been a girl his name was Zoey because it was the only name I could think of that started with a Z. ~

What I didn't know then:

Depression is a terrible thing.  I had never had more than a downer day in my life till Zack died.  I didn't know or respect what real depression felt like.  I didn't sink into a total black hole, but I tipped my feet over the edge.  I hated it, but it felt out of my control.

I wish that I had gotten professional help the day after I went home.  I wish I had emerged myself into intensive therapy.  I don't think it would have taken me a year to get back on track if I had.  I kept seeing small improvements so I thought I didn't need help.  I was so stuck in the muck mentally that I couldn't do any more than get up every day and make it through.  I think a therapist would have helped me define healing goals and helped me make better progress.

People morn differently.  I felt the loss of Zack very intensely.  He was a real person to me.  He had a spirit and I craved him.  Josh hadn't really thought about it all that much yet.  He got over the loss very quickly.  And he missed me while I wallowed in my grief.

Great loss brought me great personal growth.  I mentally aged five years, and I had that room to grow.  I like the person that I have become.  I wish it hadn't taken an earthquake to get me on track, but it usually does.  

At this point in my life I am not weighed down by the grief anymore.  I honestly don't think about it every day any more.  It comes up at odd moments but my sadness related to my loss is under control.  I feel relief to be past the worst part of it.