Sunday, May 20, 2012

::what I didn't know::

~Zack - a name we picked on the way to hospital to deliver a baby we knew was already dead.  We spelled it like that because we where leaning toward naming him Jack and he loved Zofran (antinausea med).  If he had been a girl his name was Zoey because it was the only name I could think of that started with a Z. ~

What I didn't know then:

Depression is a terrible thing.  I had never had more than a downer day in my life till Zack died.  I didn't know or respect what real depression felt like.  I didn't sink into a total black hole, but I tipped my feet over the edge.  I hated it, but it felt out of my control.

I wish that I had gotten professional help the day after I went home.  I wish I had emerged myself into intensive therapy.  I don't think it would have taken me a year to get back on track if I had.  I kept seeing small improvements so I thought I didn't need help.  I was so stuck in the muck mentally that I couldn't do any more than get up every day and make it through.  I think a therapist would have helped me define healing goals and helped me make better progress.

People morn differently.  I felt the loss of Zack very intensely.  He was a real person to me.  He had a spirit and I craved him.  Josh hadn't really thought about it all that much yet.  He got over the loss very quickly.  And he missed me while I wallowed in my grief.

Great loss brought me great personal growth.  I mentally aged five years, and I had that room to grow.  I like the person that I have become.  I wish it hadn't taken an earthquake to get me on track, but it usually does.  

At this point in my life I am not weighed down by the grief anymore.  I honestly don't think about it every day any more.  It comes up at odd moments but my sadness related to my loss is under control.  I feel relief to be past the worst part of it.  


  1. Thanks for sharing! You are a strong momma and I'm glad you are feeling better! Miss your face!

  2. That was beautiful Brooke. I can't imagine what you went through losing Zack. I also think it is so great that you gave him a name (and a good one at that) because he was very much a real baby who deserved one. I am glad at least something positive came from it in the end. Lots of Love.

  3. Knocked me right to my knees you did... Love and admire your courage and openess. Zack sure did important business for your family. So happy you are all stronger and closer. Loved catching up here. Been waaaay too busy. Am feelin tooo old n tired. Your garden inspired me to keep pluggin away and to plant zinnias ( a fav flower for me too)! Be well friend!



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