::week 6 - meet plus sign::

"With out the rain there can be no rainbow." - or rainbow baby 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Dear Plus Sign,

Hello little friend.  You have a different ride than your older siblings did.  From the second I saw their plus signs I was delirious, literally planning their first birthday parties, thinking about were they would go to kindergarten, being a crazy planner.  But when your brother Zack died he added lots of things to me.  (Read entire story under my infant loss label) But he also took some.  He took my pure joy away and left something that didn't exist before.   He left doubt in my heart.  I always thought that because I got pregnant so fast and carried the first two to 41 weeks I was indestructible.  Pregnancy was something I could do.  No problem.  But when Zack died I lost that confidence.

BUT - instead of wallowing in fear lets focus.  I found out about you on June 5th.  After spending the day in the immediate care and ER with your WILD brother.  I realized that I was two days late for my period.  I had tested the week before, with a negative, so I assumed that I was not pregnant.  I have had negative tests with all four of my babies.  Not sure why.  Must be something in my hormones.  But after that test on the 5th, I saw your little plus sign.

I felt totally numb.  No emotion at all.  But over the next few days I forced your Dad to talk about it.   I told your Lily, she is delirious.  I started to tell myself it was true.  And this little star of joy started to build in my heart.  It's cautious, but it just keeps building and building.  I find myself smiling for no reason, expect because of you.

So here is my strategy.  Right after Zack died Lily asked me if our baby goat was going to die, which she didn't because I gave her CPR - link here.  I told her "It might die, but babies are worth the risk."  And that is the truth.  I have given myself permission to take some time to warm up to this new plus sign, but I am going to push myself to love him as much as possible as soon as possible.  At least Zack spent all the time he had being adored.  He may not have made it to be born - which would have been sometime around today - but he had a perfect little life. 

My symptoms - tingle in my hands (usual) and fierce energy (that will not last)

Names:

girl - Charlotte Maclay

boy - Charles Maclay

                       I am just loving the nickname Charlie

Josh says NO to Maclay.  That is my favorite dog ever, who I had in college.  He says you can't  name a kid after a dog.  I am going to fight hard, but he is pretty dug in about it. 

LOVE

Mommy

::broccoli progress-cardboard love::

I posted awhile back about my desire to use cardboard as weed mat.

And the broccoli loved it.  

No weeds except around the edges of the cardboard.  

I put a thick layer of last years leaves on top of it to hold it down, hold in moisture, and make it look more cottage garden like.

See the broccoli in the back right side?  

Almost completely weed free with no help from me.

 

Next year I will use as much cardboard as I can.  

Love it.  

::our dogs::

 Look is this crew.

One brain between them.

But they don't fight.  

They are a Cesar Milan image of pack harmony.

 This is Alberta

A 7 year old English chocolate lab.

CALM and peaceful.

The most passive of the pack.

Lizzie

2.5 years old

A shitzu maltese cross that is in desperate need of braces.

She is my "mom dog".  10 pounds, loves me best, and is a chilling little snuggle bug.

 Bruno.

A basset hound boarder collie cross.

Six years old.

Loves to heard the animals but has no energy.

He is the dominate animal of the farm.

I think he is the funniest combination of parts that ever found themselves on a dog. 

Luna

New puppy.

Killer of cantaloupe seedling and flowers.

But she grows on me.  

I just keep telling myself that she will not be a baby forever. 

::max vs the sink::

Max got into the tooth paste. 

I asked him why he squeezed out so much toothpaste

"Because it was too hard"

::garden signs and mulch trailers::

Josh made this frame to go around his flat bed trailer.

Sorry cutest, but your over engineering habit may have come into play a bit.

Let's consider that all this frame is for is to get mulch - once a year.
(I stand corrected - it is also to pick up loads of wood.)

But we loved the scrap pieces!!!

Max went for a free style approach.

While princess Lily really focused on the job at hand. 

She made a sign for "her garden" 
And labels for my garden.

Here is what we have so far.

Like my jalapeno?  Painting is not my format, but I do love it. 

We did this last year - but Lily felt her skills "had matured enough to do it again."

I hope we do it every year. 

Lily and her carrot masterpiece.

She carefully explained to me that this shows a cutout perspective. 

You can see the earth and sky around the carrot.

 When they are dry I spray on a few coats of clear spray paint to seal them.  

Then in the garden they go.  

 

::rural king::

I seriously love Rural King.  It's half Big Lots half Lowes half Tractor Supply.  

Yes - I realize that is 1.5

But it is that awesome.  

And they have free popcorn.

Who ever thought of that is a genius. 

 See my grass seed ready to come home with me?

To not grow.

I can grow food but not grass.

Why is that?

 My kids think that going to Rural King is a real treat.

It's a family event. 

Fun for one and all. 

These are the chicken prints showing the way to the chicks.

The baby feathered chicks.  To clarify for Josh. 

Again - sorry for the iPhone pics.  I've been taking lots of pictures with it lately.  I like how easy it is.  I know the quality is not what my camera can do, but the honesty is there.  

::ego, fear, nerves::

Yesterday was my last day.  

My last full time day.  

I stress - that I am not leaving all the way.  

But.........still.

My good friend, Connie wrote me this and made me this - 

It touched my heart and broke my heart.

Brookie

Who is Brooke? This is the Brooke I know, and I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface…

The Peppermint Patty of my pledge class.
A passionate and credentialed NICU nurse.
Faithful blogging author of Shorties Funnyfarm.
A badass.
A softy.
Party planner extraordinaire.
Animal farmer and midwife.
Creative gardener.
A mom who works at it like its her job.
Equestrian.
Taker of sushi virginity.
President of Megan’s fan club.
Photographer of beautiful people.
A bad speller.
A philosopher.
Inventor of the Brooke Book organization list system.

You gotta take her as she is, but who she is, is ever evolving.

She loves to grow things…her kids, vegetables, preemies, relationships, her career, herself. She also works to fix these things, when they’re broken.

She’s not afraid of anything… of trying new things, of putting her naked heart out there, of laughing out loud, hurting out loud, and apologizing when it’s due.

She feels everything… anger, happiness, sadness, love, like a 10 on the Richter scale.

I’ve learned so much from Brooke, and I’m glad she’s my friend. She always makes me smile. I’m sad to see her go (well, she will be PRN here, but we all know what that means) and I will miss her. But I’m sure her chosen path will be a great experience, full of learning new things and meeting new people.

Hey Brookie, I love ur face. See ya around. Here's my going away gift to you.