::Lily's note to santa::

Fight this cuteness.  I submit you can not.

"Dear Sanata,

These carrots are for the reindeer.  PS - thank you for the presents.  PS - I gave you some Nerds."

::13 and 14 weeks::

Dear Nugget,

Hi little person.  I love your little face.  I am combining these two weeks worth of updates because there was not much to say about you and your antics in week 13.  But now you made sure I didn't get comfortable with you in week 14.  I was back to being a puker, but I loaded you up on Zofran and took you to a super fun wedding anyway.  Our friend Jen got married and it was just lovely.  I am glad you were there too.  Even your Daddy came, which is huge.  He is a wedding hater.  But even he had a good time. 

I went to the Doctor this week.  I wanted to ask them why I am so flipping huge this round.  Every one just laughs and gives me the "aren't you cute" look when I say that.  Sometimes they even say, "Are you sure their is not twins?"  Screw you.  But I know as a nurse that being XL big can mean some things are not right.  I just want my actual Dr to say, "Your just huge.  No reason."  Or maybe she will say, "Stop everything.  You are actually 40 weeks and dilated to 8.  Lets rush you to the hospital to deliver."  She said that this is a third baby and that she will tell me when there is a problem.  I love her.

Love

Mommy

::rancher?::

 

HAHA!!  We still have a pumpkin in our yard!

I used to show very expensive fancy A circuit hunter and jumper horses.  When we bought this place the only thing I knew was how fancy horses were kept.  Constantly surrounded with bubble wrap.  And that is not a happy horses.  My big fat horses are some of the healtiest and happiest you will ever meet.  (Donkey too.)  Mostly because the kids require that I ignore my horses and the horses actually like it.  Doesn't that all work out just right?  So really it hasn't been years of careful study that has taught me how to tend these pet horses.  It has been barely controlled neglect and they actually seem to like it.  Every one is happy.  But sometimes I miss all that horsey time. 

 

The snow drift I have to push the wheelbarrow through

But right now Teddy is hurt.  He has injured his eye and needs to be inside.  He hates it.  I hate it.  He is the biggest pig in the world.  Some horses and clean and tidy in their stalls.  He is not.  He is like Max.  He spreads his mess around every were and he could care less.  So three times a day I leave Lily in charge and trot my pregnant tush out to the barn.  And I actually kind of love it.  I take Ted and move him into the empty stall, then muck out his stall, then make Bruno walk next to me while I take the wheel barrow out to the manure pile to protect me from the cow who thinks I look fun to play with.  Then I put Teddy back into the clean stall.  The mucky process is very relaxing.  I love spending some time with that silly old Ted.  Some day, when I am shorty free (God help me) I want to get a little rescue horse and teach it to do silly tricks and be my buddy.  

::christmas program::

 

Lily and all her little friends.

 

Don't you love the Mexican stuff?

The theme was Christmas Around the World.

Happy

One happy little kid.

 

One rotten little boy.

 

Then he got tired and went straight for the thumb.

 I love those faces. 

But seriously - they look nothing alike 

::snow garden::

 

Here is what my garden looks like right now.  

There is some garlic still growing under there.

I think...

::things I never say::

**I feel like I seen too many babies go in the past little stretch, and I need to get it out of my head.  This is not written to any baby in particular, more of a generalization of a few different babies put together**

Dear Mom of some of my babies,

These are all the things that I want to tell you, but I somehow never get to.  

I am so sorry.  This is so unfair.  This should never happen to anyone.  I know what it is to love a baby before it is even born.  To love that baby from the moment you see the plus sign on the stick.  Your love for that baby is no less than the love a mother feels for any child.  I wish you never had to go through this.  No one should have to.  I don't know why it was you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It wasn't the Mexican food you ate, it wasn't the bath you took, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.  But you will probably never believe me.  

I want you to know that this is going to be the hardest thing you will ever go through.  There are very few people that you can ask for help coping with this.  When your Mom comes to visit and she tells you, "Don't worry honey, she is just small.  She will grow."  I wish she was right.  But in this one case, your mother has no idea what she is talking about.  I don't want to be the one to tell you what you already feel in your heart, but your baby is probably not going to make it.  The most unfair thing in the word is going to happen.  Your baby is going to die.  And if she doesn't die her brain scans show us that she is going to be unable to see or hear.  She is going to be unable to communicate.  She is going to end up with a trach and a G tube.  She is not going to know much else besides discomfort and pain.  She will be able to live for awhile.  We can make her do that.  But should we?  

I will do it if you make me.  I will continue to take lab test from her and do things to her that I wish I didn't have to.  But I will also tell her I am sorry every time I have to.  I will tell her "They don't know honey.  I know you want to go, but they just aren't ready yet.  Give them a few more days."  And just when I start to wonder if you will every do the right thing, you figure it out.  You do the most selfless thing that I have every seen a mother do.  You sacrifice your own heart to let your baby move on.  You did the right thing.  Don't ever doubt that.  You know you did.  She asked you to.  Be brave.  My heart bleeds for you.  I am so sorry - and that will never be enough.  You also don't care right now, but I am so proud of you.  And so is your baby angel. 

Love,

Your Nurse

::no mantel - no problem::

 Here was my inspirational picture.  

But I can't remember where I found it. 

Darn.

But that isn't going to stop me.

 

 I sent these two handsome men out to find the perfect stick. 

 Then they sawed it to the correct size.

 

And I tied it with ribbon to Josh's wall guitar hangers.

The wall trim is still very messed up there from the stove installation.

So a little ribbon helped temporary cover it up.

 Here's the finished product.

 I think some new stockings are due this year.

Maybe at some after Christmas sales.