::ducks::

 

Lily got to pick any earrings in the store.  

She picked these.

Look at the pride in her eyes.

::favorite picture::

This is my favorite picture in a long time.  

Obviously its a reflection.

And its grainy.

And its dark.

And it has a flash in it.

And its perfect. 

Look at that boy!!!

With his arms around me with all his heart.  

With his PERFECT hair.

This picture makes me so happy.  

I am so glad I have it. 

::goat hawk::

Emma had the chore of watching the goats.  

She had to put her own little spin on it. 

::we need a pool::

 These kids love playing in the small pool at Grammy's.

 An in ground pool will never be in the budget. 

I know its not the most stunning thing but what about something like this...

::plus sign7 and the new job::

Plus sign - doing great.  Starting to suck out my energy, but if it makes him happy he can have it.  I can live with out energy.  I have some mild nausea but nothing horrid.  I pop a low dose Zofran on occasion but I think its mostly in my head.  I feel better with Plus Sign than I have with any of my other pregnancies, but I am sure that he will get me back later.  Again - don't care.  I don't care if I need IV fluids cause I am such a puker, if he grows right is all I care about.  I am still having lots of dizziness, which is typical for me too.  And the numb hands - so weird feeling.  I am trying hard to keep the new package a secret at the new job, just till he gives me away.    

The new job - fine.   I miss my friends.  I miss knowing how the joint works.  I miss knowing what my resources are.  But - putting myself in uncomfortable situations often leads to some pretty amazing personal growth.  And taking care of babies is taking care of babies.  No matter were they are, the patient care is basically the same.  I like the private rooms layout of the new unit, but it is much lonelier than St Vincent.  I can go for two hours and not see another nurse besides my preceptor.  The new place also has strict rules about cell phone and Internet use - no warnings - if you have your phone, even in your pocket, or if you log on to the Internet for anything but medical reasons - they walk you out.  PERIOD.  That's pretty fierce for me, but I get it.  I just think that this new place is going to be were I go to work and St Vincent is were I go to love and be loved.  It's my comfy spot.  I miss it very much right now.  I feel homesick, but hopeful.   

Things I like better today: 

      The schedule is WHAT EVER I want.  LOVE this fact.

      The hospital is stunning

      The food is good (hey - I'm pregnant)

      I like my new ID picture

      The commute is not bad

      They have a parking garage - no frozen car in winter

      The management is good

      They "asked around about me" and I got good reviews from St Vincent, I find this very flattering

      They keep calling me a seasoned nurse - its makes me nervous and happy at the same time

::orchard progress::

Photo by Lily.

This is me in the garden and loving it. 

 I put some sweet potatoes in the open space in one of my rows.  We will see what they do. 

See the cilantro and black beans going crazy behind them?

The wild raspberries we stole from the pond area are also going insane. 

 Some blueberries are showing up.  

Can't wait for next year when we really get to EAT a bunch of them. 

::max vs the rabbit cage::

OFTEN we look at each other and say - "Were is Max?"

Here is were I found him today.

In the bottom unused rabbit cage.  

Please note the puppy in there with him.  And Max's look of joy.  

What do you do about that?

I just laughed. 

::strawberry festival::

This kid had a tennis tournament as part of the Strawberry Festival in Crawfordsville.  

 She played well but did not prevail.  

 This kid was not helpful.  But was adorable. 

Then we went to the actual downtown festival. 

 Max won the frog toss game.  

::three sisters - progress::

Max carefully "weeded" all the plants off one of my three sisters mounds.  

After I went crazy - I forgave him.  

But here is how the remaining ones are doing.  

See the corn in the middle, beans started to grow up it, and some squash coming in on the sides. 

 Beans  

Squash

The three sister together. 

::josh::

Some times I am overwhelmed by Josh.  We went to take him out to lunch today since he had to work.  The kids ran up to the door to get him and his face just lit up to see them.  I couldn't stop starring at him.  He is so tall and handsome and just put together nicely.  And I just felt this over whelming sensation of pride at being his wife.   

And I felt a little embarrassed in myself lately.  I haven't been putting in my full effort to him.  I have been slacking.  I am full of excuses, some are even good - I'm stressed out about started a new job, I am growing another human being, I am trying to keep Max alive, I running the house, I am trying to keep up with my garden, etc etc etc.  But those are EXCUSES and I need to step it up a notch.  I expect it from him, than I should give it to him.  Starting right this second.  Because he is the most important thing in my entire life. 

Luckily I get the chance.  Starting at 5:30   :)

Things to remember about Josh - he doesn't look talk or act like the other dads I know.  He moves like an athlete.  He is so extremely pleasing to me in almost every way.  I love his humor.  He wrestles with the kids and they love it.  He makes me stop when I am out of control.  He follows my artistic vision when it makes sense.  He goes back and fixes the things I build so they will actually stand up.  He thanks me for making dinner and makes the kids thank me too.  He kisses me every time he gets a battery out of the battery drawer.  He plays rock paper scissors with me over dirty diapers.  He quotes movies that we think are funny. 

::carrots::

 Carrots are ready.  

::outdoor remodel::

This is the side of my house you see as you drive in the drive way.

When we moved in it was covered the HUGE evergreen bushes that were out of control.

We ripped those out and I slowly planted roses - which is what I was into at the time. 

But I felt that it was looking somewhat unloved lately.  

I love that cottage garden so much - its all I see. 

But I needed to give this area some TLC too.

Above is the before.

Here is the after.

I widened the flower bed, redid the edging and mulched the area (with cardboard as weed mat of course)

Removed a rose that never did take off.

Added that willow frame for a new clematis to grow up.

Near the hose I added a rosemary and an oregano.  

They are still little but I but two foxgloves at each end of the wall.

I really am leaning toward edible landscaping, but part of me still loved roses. 

For next year:

Window boxes on each of these windows.  With a nice combo of food and flowers.  Think lettuce and zinnias. 

I still want a blue rose and a bright yellow rose.  

I moved the corner area out and made the mulch area wider.  The dogs were killing the grass there anyway so I just gave in and changed the angle of the edger.  More cardboard and mulch. 

Now this is a really odd little area.  The porch in the right hand corner is what you want on to enter the house.  The dogs insist that this is "their area".  The kids try to claim it as an impromptu play area too.  The well cover in obviously an issue.  Plus it was all filling up with weeds. 

Here is the after.  Weeds are gone and area is freshly mulched.  The wire fence was a temporary way to keep Luna out of my stargazer lilies.  It did not work.  There will not be any this year.  She also ate all the plants out of the red planter.  THAT dog.  But I remember the lab doing the same kind of crap her first year, so I will just try again next year.  

I was forced by some short people into leave the yellow hand hooks and red rope in the left hand corner.  They LOVE IT - and can not live with out it.  Ok.  They win.  

 

Max felt that they skateboard was essential in the overall design. 

For next year:

A big window box under this main window.  I want to fill it with spinach and lots of cool lettuce.  

Then around the red pot I want smaller pots with parsley, cilantro, and lavender.  If Luna is over eating them by then.  

And of course I would like my lilies back for next year.  

Any other idea's for me?

Remember that I can't plant anything near the dog houses - they will destroy it. 

::i got a weave::

I got a Florida weave.  I didn't make the name so please don't ask me to explain it.  I just like it/want to marry it/ an going to make a song about it.  It's everything I love - cheap, easy, useful, attractive, and organized.  Basically - we have a lot in common.

Don't forget that I spent all winter researching things like - what is the most effective way of bracing tomatoes and how to best feed a goat and more such silly things.

I wanted to make 18 cages from fence and stake in one in the ground.  BUT - I didn't have the $100 in fence I needed to buy.  I know the cages will last a long time, but with the cost and the amount of labor I wanted something else.

Then I found the glory of this technique.  Florida Weave.

image comes from HERE

1. You drive in the posts of your choosing.  One at each end, then one post every two plants. 
  If you were looking down the row you would see post - plant - plant - post then repeat.

2.  Tie one end of the twine to the first T post at about six inches from the ground.

3.  Wined the twine around of side of the first plant, then the opposite side of the next plant.

4.  Once you get to the next post wined the twine completely around the post.

5.  Repeat this down your row.  At the end of the row wined the twine back down the row, going on the opposite side you did the first time.

6.  Tie the twine to the same post you started on.

7.  Add more twine rows as needed.

~Keep trimming those tomatoes and enjoy.~

EASY!  They love it and I love it.   

It's a method of bracing 18 tomatoes for 10 dollars total and we can reuse it every year.  We had tons of old T post laying around, so all we had to buy was the twine.

Plus I can easily move it every year to allow for crop rotation.  

::what is up::

New job - Fine.  Just fine so far.  Orientation had been a boring gong show of boring boredom.  I do not do well with people wasting my time, even if they are paying me.  It has taught me that the case management job I was DYING for that I did not get would have been a terrible fit.  I am a three 12's a week kind of girl.  Five 8 hour shift SUCKS!  Not for me at all.  I have not actually started doing anything useful patient care wise yet.  I am excited to get to that.
Side note - someone asked me what kind of nurse I was and I said NICU.  Not Resource Team.  That's good.  And I called St Vincent my "home" on accident, which is also good.  It means that maybe I have not changed as much as I thought.  I really still think about St Vincent NICU as my safe place, but that doesn't change the fact that I need this little sabbatical.  I think.  I have a drug dosage test today.  If I fail that we will see how much my ego needs this.

Kids - Max.  Oh Max.  I have been thinking about Max a lot lately.  I wonder if he will ever know that he was the single most important thing that kept me from really totally going over the edge when Zack died.  He didn't pity me.  He didn't really care.  His total and perfect three year old selfishness made me get up every day and feed him and take care of him and move on one little step at a time.  My relationship with him had grown deeply through this process.  That's a lot of need from a parent for a little man, but when not destroying his entire surroundings, he seems to take it very well.  Of course my Lily is essential too, but she had to go back to school.  It was Max and I all day.  Thank God I was not alone.

General - I feel the best I have felt in a really long time - since I got pregnant with Zack in October.  I was a puker pretty much from the start with that kid.  I will be with this one too, but it hasn't hit yet.  I feel a lot like myself again.  Improved in many ways, but for this stupid social anxiety that tries to choke me out at times.

::week 6 - meet plus sign::

"With out the rain there can be no rainbow." - or rainbow baby 

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Dear Plus Sign,

Hello little friend.  You have a different ride than your older siblings did.  From the second I saw their plus signs I was delirious, literally planning their first birthday parties, thinking about were they would go to kindergarten, being a crazy planner.  But when your brother Zack died he added lots of things to me.  (Read entire story under my infant loss label) But he also took some.  He took my pure joy away and left something that didn't exist before.   He left doubt in my heart.  I always thought that because I got pregnant so fast and carried the first two to 41 weeks I was indestructible.  Pregnancy was something I could do.  No problem.  But when Zack died I lost that confidence.

BUT - instead of wallowing in fear lets focus.  I found out about you on June 5th.  After spending the day in the immediate care and ER with your WILD brother.  I realized that I was two days late for my period.  I had tested the week before, with a negative, so I assumed that I was not pregnant.  I have had negative tests with all four of my babies.  Not sure why.  Must be something in my hormones.  But after that test on the 5th, I saw your little plus sign.

I felt totally numb.  No emotion at all.  But over the next few days I forced your Dad to talk about it.   I told your Lily, she is delirious.  I started to tell myself it was true.  And this little star of joy started to build in my heart.  It's cautious, but it just keeps building and building.  I find myself smiling for no reason, expect because of you.

So here is my strategy.  Right after Zack died Lily asked me if our baby goat was going to die, which she didn't because I gave her CPR - link here.  I told her "It might die, but babies are worth the risk."  And that is the truth.  I have given myself permission to take some time to warm up to this new plus sign, but I am going to push myself to love him as much as possible as soon as possible.  At least Zack spent all the time he had being adored.  He may not have made it to be born - which would have been sometime around today - but he had a perfect little life. 

My symptoms - tingle in my hands (usual) and fierce energy (that will not last)

Names:

girl - Charlotte Maclay

boy - Charles Maclay

                       I am just loving the nickname Charlie

Josh says NO to Maclay.  That is my favorite dog ever, who I had in college.  He says you can't  name a kid after a dog.  I am going to fight hard, but he is pretty dug in about it. 

LOVE

Mommy