::my head::

Right now I am going through the stage of grief I have titled =  "ripped off"

I am really mad that my belly is not growing.

I am really annoyed that I don't get to find out that I am having a boy on Thursday.  And be so excited but surprised and shocked.  Then get to work finding him the coolest used baby stuff in Indianapolis.  While I keep building up how super pumped I am to hold this baby and smell him and kiss him.  Then we get months of fighting about what to name him.  I want something crazy, Josh wants something way more normal.  Then we decide but I still constantly waver and on the way to the hospital I try to get him to change the name to something totally off.  He refuses.  The whole family and friends come to the hospital and I squeeze out a 8lb 7oz baby guy.  Every one is so excited and it takes them a hour to each get a 5 minute turn to hold him. 

Then we take him home and get readjusted to life with the new guy.  Sleepless nights and never getting to put on a shirt.  Sending the big kids to the pool with the sitter while new man and I nap and relax.  Then he starts smiling and every one begins arguing over who can make him smile the best.  While I know that right now he loves me best because they can't feed him.   I could keep going till he gets drafted to the NFL...

I am really mad that I don't get him.  I know that I get another baby.  Maybe two.  I feel really confident that we will get pregnant again and have another baby.  But I want the baby we lost AND another baby.  I wanted him so bad.  The good the bad the ugly, I wanted him so bad.   It's like a physical need.  I crave him and I miss him.

I just feel like a spoiled brat.  I want to throw myself on the ground and pound my fist and demand my baby RIGHT NOW!!!!  No one can hand me my 8lb baby and say congratulations.  And that makes me really mad.  I want my way.  I want my baby and I want all the things he should have been.  But feeling ripped off is not really part of adult Brooke's vocab.  Teenager Brooke loved that routine.  But grown up Brooke counts her blessings and moves on.      

Now - with that tantrum behind me lets refocus.  The curly headed flying squirrel is warm and snug in his bed.  Visions of trying to fly in his head.  My little Lily just strapped on her back pack and ran down the driveway to get the bus.  While we scream things to each other "I love you"  "I love you too!"  "You look pretty"  "Thanks Mommy"  "Be a model citizen today!!!!!"  "OK Mommy"  I love that tradition.  Josh is warm and comfy in our bed.  I think I will try to sneak back in and go back to sleep.  Thanks for letting me vent.  

::happy birthday Max::

 

Mr Max was born today

Here he is trying to show me three fingers old

::new goat mama::

 

I LOVE HER!!!

She is so pretty and sweet.

Her name now is Aribba Acres Cream Puff.

Sorry, put its got to go.

What should we call her?

I am learning toward Charlotte.

 She has to live in the side pen until they all visit through the bars. 

 

LOVE HER!

And she is pregnant.

Due mid March.

Bob thinks she is pretty.

 

He is right.  

I still want to add some more baby goats to the herd. 

::breakfast in bed::

I woke up to two little kids this morning bringing me breakfast in bed.  

Cheerios and diet coke.  My favorite.

::bird seed valentines::

 

 Valentine bird feeders.

 These were such fun!

We made a ton and are passing them out at school.

Supplies:

Pam

Treat bags

Ribbon

Raffia

Gelatine

Straws

Bird seed

Rubber molds

 There are lots of different recipe's out there.
Just google search "bird gelatin biscuit"

I tried it different each batch to find the perfect combination.

Here is my favorite:  Link here for more info

In a large bowl, make plain gelatin following directions on the package. Instead of cold water use ice cubes so it will gel quickly.  (2 packets makes about 6 birdfeeders)

Add bird seed a little at a time to gelatin, mixing together so seed is completely coated and there is a enough gelatin to bind the two together.  We used 2 cups of bird seed.  You don't want too much extra gelatin because then the birds will not be attracted to your feeder.

  

Once you have the mixture spray your mold with Pam.

Then have your adorable helper scoop the mixture into each mold.

Next, have your adorable helper cut the straws.

 

Place one straw in each mold, so you have a place to put the ribbon to hang them.

Once they were all done I pulled the straws and used a kabob stick to get the ribbon through them.

Max was very cute and unhelpful.

We put them in the freezer to help them harden faster. 

 

 

Here they are right out of the freezer.

Cost:

Gelatine 1.24 X 2 = $2.28

Ribbon  $.47

Bird Seed   $5.47

Bags    $2.00

We made 30 and have enough left over to make 12 more.  For 42 that means they are $.24 each

TIME: 

Nothing.  Seriously.  Prep time was 5 minutes.  If we had enough molds it would have been done in 10 minutes of work time and two hours of freezer time. 

 

 

::readjust::

 

random pics of Donk make me happy

It's been one entire week.

I lived.  So did Josh. 

One week ago today I found out that my much wanted/needed 18 week old baby was dead.

One week ago today I delivered that baby.

I did it with out major pain meds (never had a true contraction with out my epidural on the other two)

I came out with out any medical complications.

I feel lucky.  

It could have been so much worse.  

Because I will live to fight another day.

I will have another big fat healthy pink baby and I will appreciate it even more.

I have no regrets with how it all happened, except that it had to happen at all.  

So in one year what will I say?  Let's hope for...

Pregnant again 

Started my next pregnancy skinner and healthier

Stronger and wiser 

Let Max go to preschool even though it gives me anxiety

Over my anxiety of letting Josh leave my side

Still totally in love and focused on Josh, but in a healthy way

As always, adoring Lily

More deserving of these amazing friends

::enough::

Enough

Stop

No more

We got some more news today.  They did the pathology report on the baby and the only abnormality that they found was the cord attachment issue.  That is good news for the future.  A total fluke. 

Then we got some more news.  Months ago we sent lab work on nugget to find out some more information.  Max is a carrier for galactosemia (click the link if you need info).  We wanted to find out if this baby had this disease as well.  Max is just a carrier so we didn't have to make any lifestyle changes for him.  But if the baby had galactosemia then how he would have been fed would have been different from birth.  

So we sent a genetics screen.  And it finally came back today.  But Josh's test didn't work and has to be redone.  Mine worked.  I am a carrier for galactosemia.  How flipping great.  Just the news I wanted.  If I wasn't the carrier than that meant that Josh was and everything was fine.  Now there is still the chance that Josh is a carrier too.  Meaning the next baby could actually have it.  

AND just because they want to see if I will snap and end up in a psych unit I am also a carrier for Alpha 1 Antitrypsin.  Look it up.  I really don't want to explain it.

Now we get to wait a week or so for Josh's test to come in the mail.  Then we send it out and wait another 2 weeks for results.

Till them I am going to try and talk myself out of jumping off the roof.  Pretty sure my one story ranch would just sprang my ankle anyway.  This is a bad joke - do not call the police.

This just really scares me.  Is this why Max and Lily have asthma?  MD says no, but...  Is this why Max is short?  Josh's says that is because he doesn't eat.  If we have some crazy genetic bull shit what does that mean for our future babies?  Like - would we even have any?  I am too hot a mess to even entertain that thought right now.  I just feel like how could I have come out of this without a hysterectomy only to find out that I genetically shouldn't have any more?

8pm
Much calmer now.  Got the report from genetics.  I am a carrier for the mildest form of Alpha 1 Antitrypsin.  Even if Josh carries the worst form possible that means the worst thing we could give a kid is a sensitivity to emphysema as a 60 year old if they smoke.  I can live with that.
As far as the galactosemia we will just have to see.  But I feel very hopeful that is not going to be a huge issue.  Sorry for my panic. 

::update::

It's been almost one whole week.

And we lived.  

And life went on.

And I am healing more every day.

And I miss nugget.  I wish he was kicking.  I wish I was still secretly thinking he was a girl.  I wish I was 10 days away from finding out he was a boy.  I wish I was still throwing up and then telling myself "at least its worth it."

But I am ok.  Promise.  Still sad.  But not overwhelmingly sad. 

I went and had dinner with some friends and on the way home I even caught myself not thinking about this.  First time.  

Who can stay sad when Max is telling me he is a super hero and is wearing Lily's Daisy smock as a cape?  Then he says, "I want to go to Disney World.  We go tomorrow?"  Josh is so proud.  Us Disney geeks train them little.

I want to feel like I actually deserve all this love that people are throwing at me.  It is inspiring me to be a better friend and coworker. 

I want to start weight watchers on Friday

I want to try to get pregnant again in July (I reserve the right to change my mind 8 times)

I want my energy back (its better every day)

I want to be sure that Josh is ok.  So far I think so.

I want a quick flash forward second were someone shows me a picture of Lily's wedding and how many siblings of hers are in the bridal party. 

I want to remember this text I sent after the deal was all over.

"Tonight at 10:50 a little boy was born very painlessly.  He caused no pain and never felt any.  Thank you all for respecting our privacy and not coming.  Please pass it on to all who should know.  It is not a secret or meant to be quiet."

Now I need to go stop the super hero from jumping off the back of the couch.  

::a fun distraction::

I love 4-H. 

I love the kids doing 4-H.

Last year I screwed up and didn't get their goats entered in time so they couldn't show.

It was a horrible mistake.

So, this year I have been thinking and plotting early about how to get these girls so more goats.  (And to make sure I don't miss the registration deadline) 

We have some sweet little backyard goats, but I want to kick it up to higher quality so in two years when Lily is showing we will have some really nice stock.  The kids still won two years ago like it was there job, but Jenni (Josh's ex) and I decided that we want to make sure these kids have the best we can get them.

Yes. I said Josh's ex.  We are 99% peaceful and we don't let that 1% get in the way.  My oldest Emma shows half the goats and Jenni's boyfriends daughter Shealynn shows the other half.  They are the same age and I got to tell you, I adore Shealynn.  She comes for the summer ever year and I love working with that kid.  We did her cake for 4-H together last year and it was a wonderful experience.  When we work the goats I know I can rely on that kid to be tough and hold down the more difficult goats so I can safely trim feet.  She is a kid that I greatly enjoy.

Jenni has set me loose to find some new goats for our girls.  

And I found one...  

 

This is a picture of her with her first baby.

And her name is Cream Puff!!!!!!

The best girl goat name ever.  

 

She is bred to this big macho man and due in March.

I go pick her up on Friday.

What a wonderful distraction!  I can't wait to get this mama and use cheerios to bribe her into loving me.  They call her Cream, but I think I might have to call her Puffy.  

But, I still need some more babies for the girls to show.  Hopefully I will find some within the next month or so.  I have had fun making some good connections with some great goat breeders and I hope we will find some more goats to add to the herd.

::which preschool to pick::

No, I am not way ahead.  If he is going to start in August he has to get on the roster now.

Here on the options for Mr Max.

The Kind of Churchy One
I have heard good things about this place from other moms.  They have a good sounding program.  The kids can come MWF 9-12 ($170) or TTh 9-3 ($210).
I don’t love the idea of him going to a church preschool.  We do not have a regular church and I don’t love the idea of someone teaching him about religion when I don’t hear exactly what they are telling him. 

The HUGE Church Preschool
AMAZING facility.   Great program.  Lots of options.  But again the religious issue.
        TTH 8:30-11:30 ($140) can stay for lunch and add Friday for total of ($216)

Monetssouri Preschool
I went to Montessori and I loved it.  Lily went to one for 10 minutes and Josh made me take her out before they “made her drink the kool-aid.”  It’s a little bit too granola for him, but I might be able to make him try it again.  I love the child led aspect of it.  But it also lacks the disapline of real school which is really the point of sending Max to preschool.  And no religous aspect.
            TTH 9-11:45 ($120) or MWF 9-11:45 ($180)

Public-ish Preschool
This is a program run with a neighboring school district but they are a paying preschool open to the public.  It has a well done traditional program and no relgious teaching.  But it is the most expensive.
            Three days a week of our choice 9-11:30 ($220)

Who shall I pick?

::frantic::

Oh my.  A month off.  

Dear goodness.  The lists are growing!

Any one who knows me knows that I am cra-d-a-zeeee!  

While the TV was babysitting Max today I worked on my list.

The list.

The list of crap I want to do to keep myself distracted.  

1.  Max's Room

Paint, new bed, book shelves, new dresser, little rug, wall reading lamp, dead bolt on the outside (J/K)

2.  Family Room Craft Area

Oh just wait till you see what I have in store for this poor wall (and poor Josh)

3.  Paint the bathroom and trim

That shabby chic look is not on purpose

4.  Paint the entry way

Again, I hate shabby chic.  It isn't supposed to be that way.  It is just so chipped and beat up.

5.  Really plan out the garden (Like I haven't been on that already)

June may be a rough time (nuggets due date), but the vibrant life in my garden will at least help distract me.

6.  Start weight watchers - if I can't be pregnant I am going to be hot.  Getting a baby belly with out getting a baby is total BS.  So, I say that I get to get my flat abs back.  Why not?  They left with Lily, but I want them back.  Don't worry ladies I can't over due it.  (Damn you QDOBA!)  But a healthier hotter Brooke is never a bad thing.  So as of the 28th I go back on weight watchers and as of Feb 10th (post Dr check) I start P90X.  I want to be so hot it makes the kids slightly uncomfortable.   

Side note - a mental update:  

this was written this morning.  The post above was written yesterday.

Had a little pity party for myself last night.  I have no idea why.  By the time Josh got home I was feeling sleepy and unable to focus.  Is that depression?  Because its dumb.  I tried to fake it for the family time.  In bed that night Josh broke the spell (that sounds dirty, but stay with me).  I asked him how his was doing and he said, "I stopped feeling sorry for myself."  Magic words.  

I was feeling sorry for myself.  Poor Brooke has the greatest farm possible, the cutest/smartest/funniest kids, the most amazing husband, the best possible support system alive, the money skills to survive this little dry stint.  Poor little Brooke.  BOILER UP!!!  This pity crap doesn't suit me.  I don't want it and I don't need it.  

I am sad.  This whole thing is sad.  But not pitiful.  I am no victim.  I feel no guilt.  This baby just had bad plumping.  There is not one single thing we could have done to save him.  I am really thank ful I got 18 weeks of patting him and a few weeks of feeling him move.  I am glad I didn't know anything was wrong with him till it was too late.  We had a good time together.  

Focus on these people in front of me.  Feel sad, don't bury it.  But don't over do it, don't let it rule me.  I had pulled out his foot prints and things to show to someone today.  I'm not looking at them again for awhile.  Set's me back.  You guys can look at them if you want to.  I will show you all day.  But I am not. 

::real preschool (SCREAM)::

Mr. Max is coming along with his potty training.  He might not actually have to go to NFL training camp in diapers.  There is some hope at the end of the tunnel.  I feel that it is not shooting to high to hope that he is reliable by next August.

Which means that he will be ready to start preschool.  (end sentence with horror movie music)

Why the background music?  I am scared to send Max to preschool.  I wasn’t scared to send Lily.  She was off to day care at 9 weeks and started Goddard at 9month till the summer before kindergarten.  But I am scared to send Max.  Why?

The truth – I have no freaking idea.  I can give you all kinds of reasons and excuses but they are lame.  I really have no idea why I can’t send him away, but here are a few possibilities.

He was in Goddard last year when he ended up in PICU with RSV pneumonia.  I am scared of him being around all those germs.  Even though I feel like we know how to medically treat him now to not let him get that sick.

He had extra curly hair and I like to have it in my presence at all times.

He is the baby that I thought was my last and I have some really odd weirdo connection to keeping him a baby.  Which should relax some, once this next baby shows up.

I am used to him being at home with the G.’s (my wonderful neighbor helpers) or myself and I am acting too controlling.  Which is my nature.  Which makes me a good NICU nurse, so I am not making that something to work on. 

Please pick which one you think it is or add your own.  Help me figure this out.

SIDE NOTE:  I wrote this before the baby died.  But I wanted to post it any way.  I think me can add -

Max brings me such pure and true happiness that I fear being away from him.  But it still hasn't even been a week yet since the baby died.  I think being over attached to Max right now is ok.  But someone stop me before it gets weird.  I don't want him in my basement when he is 30.  

::random thoughts::

Looked back thru all my letters to nugget.  

I am really glad to have them.

I am still glad I got to have him for that short time.  

He was basically all mine during that time.  That makes me sad for Josh.

I am so sad that the kids had to be there when we couldn't find the heart beat.

I couldn't even look at them.  I knew Lily would smell my panic.

I am scared to death to try again.  But I have too.  No doubt.  Maybe another Disney baby in October?  Like Lily was.

Could I seriously wait till October.  I want to.  I want an early summer baby.  But we can start trying as soon as April.  

If you want to cry your eyes out let me show you the blog post I wrote about all the things I want to do with this baby on my maternity leave.  I also wrote one about my hope and dreams for him.  Seriously.  What do I do with that?  Its so sweet that its almost laughable.

Speaking of laugh.  Why did I start laughing when the resident couldn't get my placenta out?  I passed the grossest blood clot and then I started laughing.  "That's the grossest thing every.  Your job sucks!"  Then laugh and laugh.  What the hell is wrong with me.  It's still a little funny.  Why?????

I let Lily paint my nails.  Don't think I am cracked out if you see them.  

Josh and I say really inappropriate things to each other.  I told him in the hospital, "Thank God I am all trimmed up and my toes are painted!"  He laughed like that was actually funny.  

Josh - poor Josh.  I made him have this baby.  He says, "You can't make me do anything."  I say bullshit.  He says, "I never let you make us move.  I never let you keep you horses.  I can lay down the law if I mean it.  I wanted another baby too."  He might be lying.

Then he tells me that he was terrified that I was going to bleed to death after the baby was born.  He really thought I was going to die.  Every baby, he thinks I am dying.  This time... there was lots of blood.  SO GROSS!  Poor guy.  How can I do this to him again?

How do I know if I need to send Lily to a therapist?  How do I know if I need one?  I don't think I do.  I am actually worried that this is not effecting me enough.  Is it just my NICU nurse brain running the show?  Is that a bad thing?

I feel such relief in the fact that I caught this baby.  If I wasn't a NICU nurse I would not have even known to be on the watch to try and catch him.   

Josh and I are talking about this a lot.  One of the things we say is that we are so relieved that if this was going to happen it happened before we had any choices.  He was already dead for two weeks before we even knew.  And he was only 16 weeks when he died.  There where no consultations with my NICU Dr about what care to do.  There is nothing to do.  We didn't have to make the terrible choices of when to stop.  It all happened so fast and with almost no options.  The best way for us.

I was starting to have some problems at work on Sunday.  Some spotting that I told Shelly about.  And cramping that I didn't tell any one about.  Shelly wanted me to go to triage and I told her no.  "If I am loosing this baby what are they going to do?"  I was mostly joking.  Odd how that turned out.

I went into labor on Sunday night.  I was cramping and having some issues.  And just wrote it all off.  By the time I checked in the hospital Monday I was almost to the point that I would have started to admit something was wrong. 

I am SOSOSOSOSOSO glad that I didn't deliver the baby at home in the middle of the night.  Horrific.   

::things I love about Lily::

           
Every single thing.  Everything.  “Lily, I love every single thing about you.”  “Even my poop?”  “Yes, even your poop.”  That kid may need therapy.
 
I love that she doesn’t match her socks.  Just like her Mama.  It always seemed like entirely too much work to match socks.  Lily agrees.
 

I love the way she nurtures and protects Max.  She is so concerned about his safety and his happiness.  She really cares for him in a way that is so maternal that I have to constantly remind her who Max’s mother actually is.
 
The little dog seeks snuggles and love from Lily.  She only does this to people she thinks are safe.
 

Every place she goes she makes friends.  In the line at the bank, at the doctors waiting room, in line for the bus to Disney World.  It’s so sweet and adorable.  We had to talk about not getting your heart broken when other kids deny your attempt to make friends.  Some people are just duds, and you have to give them a chance another day.
 

This kid loves art and music.  She creates all the time.  I adore watching this happen.
 
Every morning she doesn’t have school she goes into Max’s room and gets him out of his bed.  She brings him into her room and they sit in her bed and read books till about 9am when they come in and wake us up.   Beyond adorable.
 
Her favorite food in a tuna roll and she has been eating them since age two.  It’s so funny to watch a little kid order her own sushi.
 

::an email::

Here is what I sent to my friends to tell them what happened.  It is pretty straight out and may be too much for many people.  I suck at proof reading anyway and I am not going through this again, you get the first draft. 

Dear Friends,

THIS MAY BE MORE THAN SOME OF YOU CAN TAKE.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.  I get things out of my head by writing them and this may be overwhelming to most.

I may do a blog post.  I might not.  But I wanted to give you guys the short story so you would have some idea what happened.  I am leaving out some of the parts I don't want to tell.

We took all three kids with us on Monday to our 11am Dr appointment to hear the heart beat.  They couldn't find it on doppler.  I knew at that second that the baby had died.  Dr Raney took me into ultrasound while Josh stayed with the kids.  No heart beat.  No movement.  We went into an exam room and they brought the kids in.  I told them that the baby had died. Lily FREAKED, Emma was an internal mess and Max would not stop playing with the vaginal light on the exam table.  HA!  They sent us home and called us at 1pm to set up our induction. We had a 6pm appointment to come in.

I had never thought about the fact that I was still going to have to go thru labor.  I was not mentally prepared and this was the scariest part to me so far.  I didn't have months to prep my head to get ready for this delivery and this time there was no happy light at the end of the tunnel.

We sent the kids to the wonderful neighbors.  They brought them back to our house that night and got them on the bus the next morning.  Then one of them stayed with Max all day.

We checked into the hospital at 6pm.  They hurried us up to high risk and they felt terrible that we had to walk right by about 50 people touring the hospital with big prego bellies. Could have done without that, but so is life and I am going to have to get used to that kind of stuff.

We got to the room and the nurse had a long talk with me about how the meds were going to go.  There were giving me HUGE doses of a cervix dilator.  Doses you would never use if you were worried about the fetal outcome.  I got my IV.  Then the resident (an adorable little tiny girl that looked like she was 18) came in and ultrasounded me again to make sure there was no heart beat.  Still none.  I had this secret little dream that they would say "Just kidding.  Look at that perfect little person.  Go home.  No wait!  Actually you are 39 weeks. Lets send you home with a baby.  No wait its twins!"  That did not happen.  My nurse was so loving and patient with my 100 questions.  God bless her.

The infant loss councilor showed up then and we had a great talk.  Josh and I got to some really critical points of things we had not thought of.  We both had some break downs and really figured out what we wanted.  We decided to name the baby Zoey if she was a girl and Zack boy.  Both coming from the joke name of Zofran Nilla Waffer Schaefer.  (The best name ever and named after the two things this kid liked)

At 8:30 they gave me my meds.  Around 10 I felt like I had to walk around.  Actually was walking circles like a caged lion.  At 10:45 I felt tons of pressure.  I was worried that I really did just have to poop, but I know from NICU that is how babies get born in the toilet.  But I also didn't want to take a huge crap in the bed.  (OH DEAR GOD!)  I went in the bathroom, sat down, pushed three times and felt my bulging bag poking out.  I had josh call the nurse.  She came in and put me into bed and check me.  She couldn't find anything at all.  I don't think she actually believed me.  I got right back up and walked into the bathroom again.  I sat down and felt the baby for sure.  I stood up and yelled for Josh to get her and then I delivered the baby.  Just like that.  I stood up, the baby fell out, and I caught it.

It may sound odd, but I am so glad I caught that kid.  I actually can't believe I did.  It was so fast.  But I am so relieved that kid never fell in the toilet or on the ground.  I know it was already dead, but I am not sure I could have ever got over that sound.  A TON of blood came out too.  The bathroom floor looked like someone had been murdered.  10:50pm

The nurse came in then and took the mass in my hands.  I had to wash my hands right away.  I couldn't take all the blood.  The nurse in me wanted gloves.  Gloves right flipping now.  I had been holding my intact and entire amniotic sack with baby inside.  No a single leak.  I seriously must have the toughest amniotic bags ever.  No wonder my other waters always had to be broken.  Josh left the line of site.  He wasn't sure he wanted to see the baby.  They took the baby wrapped in a towel to one end of the room and Josh and I sat side by side on the bed.  We were dead silent.  I don't think we had any idea what was supposed to be happening.  The nurse left to get something and I went to look at the baby.

The sac was still totally intact.  I moved the baby around in the sac and looked at it.  I saw that it was a boy.  I really thought I was having a girl.  I looked him all over.  Loved those little feet.

We kept saying to each other - that was so easy.  I can't believe its over.  Then they explained that it was placenta time.

For the record I would like to state that I hate my placenta right now.  At 18 weeks it is not designed to come out.  This was the only true pain in the whole deal.  She put her entire hand in me (thank god she was little) to almost the elbow trying to get the placenta to let go.  They thought the had it but it was just a HUGE blood clot.  They let me get up to take a shower.  Again, the blood was caked on my toe nails and I wanted it off.  Josh helped me shower and he was freaking out the whole time.  "Your still bleeding.  A lot.  Something is wrong."  I kept telling him to chill.  Till I started getting a little disoriented and dizzy.  I started getting out of the shower and then I sneezed.

Well, that sneeze broke loose everything.  There was so much blood they had to throw out the shower curtain.  Just that second Dr Raney arrived.  She was as mad as she is able to be. She couldn't believe I was up.  She checked me and said my entire placenta was still attached.  She tried to get it out.  I stared at the ceiling and focused on a happy place.  At this point I was getting so sleepy and starting to get some shock started.  They started fluids.  Dr Raney wanted to take me to the OR to try one more time to get it and then she said I would have to be knocked out for a D&C.

The OR was tough.  Pain and too close to home.  I made them cover the window to the NICU resuscitation island area.  I was shaking so bad.  But they got me covered up with warm blankets.  I went back to my happy place and we got it done.  Josh couldn't go back there with me.  All the nurses were busy so I started talking to myself.  I was half muttering half talking out loud but I had no meds and I needed to get through this.  I started talking about why we bought Bob the Goat and how our goat herd grew and why.  Pure flipping nuts, but I just had to get my brain thinking about something else.

And I got through it.  Sober.  I am kind of a big deal.  (That one was for Jen B.)

I felt better the second that she got that last bit of placenta out.  I was all better.

Then we went back to the room and tried to sleep.  It was about 1:30am by that point.  I got my blessed Ambien and went in to some kind of rest.  The woke me at 7:30 and got a CBC.  Dr Raney came in around 9:30 and looked over my blood counts.  She said even with my blood loss I was still at the low end of normal and that she would send me home.  Thank god.  We were ready.

Now we are home.  I have some very manageable pain.  Nothing crazy.  Just taking some tylenol and taking it easy.

So now what?  If you came over you would be a little embarrassed at how well Josh and I are doing.  We are really ok. Little Max is the best therapy ever.  I am sad.  I will be sad and pissed and ripped off and mad in groups for a while.

I love all this support.  Keep coming at me.  I need you guys.  I need your distractions.  I need to talk about lives and loves.  I need to get hugs and kiss any bellies that are growing.  Don't be weirdo around me.

The only thing I don't want to talk about is his name.  Please don't call him by his name.  We really only named him so we could tell Lily we did.  I don't want you guys to refer to him by his name.  I don't have any idea why.  Just humor me on this one point.  Maybe I will call him by name at some point, but please let me be the first to do so.

What was wrong with him?  His umbilical cord was attached all wrong.  It was attached to the wrong side of the amniotic sac and was very small.  He lost connection with the placenta and that is why he died.  She can't believe he got as big as he did.  We think he died right around 16 weeks.  This is a total fluke and should not effect any future shorties.  He weighed 30 grams and was 4.5 inches long.    I did get the RTS pictures.  I will show any one who wants to see, but they are pretty dramatic and I don't want to scar you guys.

Love you guys
Brooke

::week 18 - the end::

Dear Nugget,

Well my little angel we need to tell these people...  I went in with Emma, Lily, and Max (and Josh) to hear your little heart beat today.  It was gone.  They took me alone for an ultrasound.  I saw your little body and head.  Laying so so still.  No movement.  No heart beat.  That fucking sucks.

I am sad that you don't get to be born alive and be held alive.

I will not be back online for at least a few more days. 

Love

Mommy

Miss you little friend.

::money::

We have no money.  Zero.  Why would two people that make as much money as we do not have enough money to fill their gas tanks when ever they want?  90% my fault.

     I grew up wealthy.  My mother was/is a doll of a woman that never denied me anything.  I was a person that was very good at manipulating her.  There for I had her credit card at all times and used it like it was my job.  I was living a very high life.  I tried very hard to fill the lonely little hole in my heart with crap.  Being used to that life style I didn't really understand when I married Josh that the pay out had stopped.  He got laid off three weeks before we got married.  I was working retail.  (Pottery Barn!!!!!  So fun!)  BUT, I was still spending like my mother was going to bale me out.  Except now it was my own credit card.  I ran up so much money that I lack the bravery to tell you.  It would be a healthy years salary for a new school teacher.  

     One of the other big problems was the biggest purchase.  This house.  We got an amazing price on it and even put it on a 20 year loan.  Then he got laid off and I went back to nursing school.  We maxed out the houses equity.  MAXED it out.  When the smoke cleared the farm was buried so deep we couldn't sell if we wanted to.  And with current mortgage situations we could never afford to buy anything even close.  Plus we LOVE this place.  It is part of our identity.  Leaving would be nearly impossible. 

     How did the problems get fixed?  About two years ago we ran out of credit.  Gone.  All burnt up.  So now what the hell were we to do?  Bottom out.  Just like an alcoholic.  I couldn't fix my stupid addiction with out hitting the bottom.  

We had a few months bickering with each other about this.  But instead of letting money rip us apart we became a team.  We closed every single credit card account.  You don't have to pay them off to close them.  We can not have the temptation.  We began to hold each other liable for our choices.  If he bought something I called him out.  If I spent money he called me out.  We got paid and then we talked about what to do with the money.  I haven't bought myself brand new shoes in years.  

We survive by working together and figuring it out.  We just saved up and scrounged up $1100 cash to replace Josh's tires.  It took us a month but we did it.  And it was so satisfy to pay cash for it.  

We called our credit cards and told them we were tapped out.  They didn't want to believe us.  But finally we worked out.  We got a five year (or maybe less) plan with how to deal with them.  We are 1.5 years in and so far so good.  We have three paid off.  The HUGE ones are still in progress but they are going along.  They should be done early actually.

We did have one major expense occur during this time period.  The vasectomy reversal.  Yikes.  This kid better make the 10K up to me.  (I have no doubt he/she will).

So what is the progress:

We have one car payment.  Mine. If that car can make it a little longer I would really appreciate it.  But at 125K miles we are on borrowed time.  My plan is that it is dies we will just have to make do with what ever we can afford to replace it.  Which will not be anything to write home about.  Josh's truck better just last forever.   

The credit cards will be paid off for sure with in the next 3.5 years.  Which will clear up $550 dollars a month.   

The vasectomy loan will be over in 2.5 years.  Clearing up $350 a month.

We cut our winter energy bill by $600 dollars MONTHLY!!!  You may not believe that, but I have a post coming up to prove it.  

The biggest improvement has been us.  Josh eats ramen noodles every day for lunch.  That man is the master of thrifty.  He is so good at not spending money.    I buy the kids clothes at goodwill and used kids clothing stores.  We don't buy things just because we are sad or annoyed or bored.  We only buy what we need.  If we want a little splurge we talk to each other about it.  We save up for it and we only pay cash.  I don't even buy gas on my debit card.  If my wallet is empty than I am done.   Christmas was a cash only event.  I avoid places were easy shopping occurs.  I don't go to the mall.  I don't even got to Target (so tempting).  I grocery shop at walmart because its cheap and had few temptation for clothes or shoes.

One of the hardest things for me has been figuring out how to be a deal shopper.  I am trying to but together a post on deal shopping.  What kind of tips do you guys have?  How do you get what you need, but get it for less?  

Like -
Getting my hair cut at the Aveda Beauty School for $15 instead of $40 at the salon
Grocery shopping at walmart
Only using cash to cut out temptation buying
Deal shopping online to cut out the extra temptations (like at Christmas)
Not eating out.  Well, hardly even.  My kids have not been to a resturaunt were a waiter brings you your drink (Except on vacation, cheap Mexican, or with Grandma) in two years.  But Lily did just get really good grades so I think a sushi treat is in order.  
And what else?????

::the boy room::

If this little friend is a Jack I have a plan for the 9ft by 11ft room that he and Max will have to share for a few years.  

I hope that by the time Max is 10 they will not still be sharing, as we will have done a house remodel by then.  But he may be still sleeping in a toddler bed with his feet hanging out the end like a Dr Seuss character.  

Both my fellow pregnant friends have found out what they are having.  We have a girl and a boy on the way.  But my status is still up in the air.  We were talking about their babies rooms and it got me thinking about my baby room.  

Here is what Lily's room looked like.

 

What I likes about it:  The crib was cool but cost $800 (I just threw up in my mouth)

It had nice color and was well organized

Dislike:  It was so matchy.  I HATE matchy.  All the basket liner were even pottery barn.  

The crib ended up being a total piece of crap.  It didn't even make it to Max.

I still have all the stuff and I am selling every piece of it on craigslist.  

I think I can get about $200 - maybe.

And then I want to do something similar to this.

The color is a little too neon for me.  But the concept is right on.

Now how do I make that happen and what is a dead lock bottom number?

Furniture: 

I may try to paint and or modify some free furniture but if I have to buy new...

 

I want a SUPER simple white toddler bed and crib.

 

Craigslist dresser with white painted top.

I plan lots of hanging shelves too.  

(this picture is from Young House Love)

Textiles:

Super bright curtains in a pattern like this.  LOVE THE TEXTURE but in curtains in might be too much.

 

 Maybe this pattern would make better curtains and then I can just play around with making a pillow or two with the felt circles.

I like this bedding and love the colors.  And it is from Skip Hop which is the company that made Max's wuppy. But this would just be an extra blanket for the baby.

 

For actual bedding I want a set of orange and light blue sheets for each kiddo an then a white comforter for Max's bed.  Then I will find them cool blankets to add some color.

The room is so small that I might be able to get away with a large bumby bath mat as a rug.  Then it is washable, which is good since I want it to be white.

MISC

 

I want to hang this by Max's bed so he can turn it on and off himself.

Splurges:

Budget:

Paint = $23

Crib = $100

Toddler Bed with Rail = $150

Crib mattress = $100

Dresser (craigs list or yard sale) = $75
Rug = $20
Lamp = $20
Ceiling light fixture = $40
Bedding (two full sets and comforter) = $100 
Curtains = $50
Pillows = $25

Wall bug lamp = $14

Mobile = make it for $20

End Table = $20

New closet organizer = $100
Closet paint = $15
TOTAL = $870
Yikes - too much.  But I bet I can find a way to get it all in for under $450
And if I am having a girl I know I can do this makeover to Max's room for super cheap.


Splurges:
Rocker Chair = $120

Skip Hop Blanket = $$24

Wall mirrors = $30

I find out what I am having on Feb 3rd.  If this bump is a Jack then I want this room totally done by the end of May.  If I am having a girl than I will have to re-figure.  Which will still be fun.