::update::

It's been almost one whole week.

And we lived.  

And life went on.

And I am healing more every day.

And I miss nugget.  I wish he was kicking.  I wish I was still secretly thinking he was a girl.  I wish I was 10 days away from finding out he was a boy.  I wish I was still throwing up and then telling myself "at least its worth it."

But I am ok.  Promise.  Still sad.  But not overwhelmingly sad. 

I went and had dinner with some friends and on the way home I even caught myself not thinking about this.  First time.  

Who can stay sad when Max is telling me he is a super hero and is wearing Lily's Daisy smock as a cape?  Then he says, "I want to go to Disney World.  We go tomorrow?"  Josh is so proud.  Us Disney geeks train them little.

I want to feel like I actually deserve all this love that people are throwing at me.  It is inspiring me to be a better friend and coworker. 

I want to start weight watchers on Friday

I want to try to get pregnant again in July (I reserve the right to change my mind 8 times)

I want my energy back (its better every day)

I want to be sure that Josh is ok.  So far I think so.

I want a quick flash forward second were someone shows me a picture of Lily's wedding and how many siblings of hers are in the bridal party. 

I want to remember this text I sent after the deal was all over.

"Tonight at 10:50 a little boy was born very painlessly.  He caused no pain and never felt any.  Thank you all for respecting our privacy and not coming.  Please pass it on to all who should know.  It is not a secret or meant to be quiet."

Now I need to go stop the super hero from jumping off the back of the couch.