::an email::

Here is what I sent to my friends to tell them what happened.  It is pretty straight out and may be too much for many people.  I suck at proof reading anyway and I am not going through this again, you get the first draft. 

Dear Friends,

THIS MAY BE MORE THAN SOME OF YOU CAN TAKE.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT.  I get things out of my head by writing them and this may be overwhelming to most.

I may do a blog post.  I might not.  But I wanted to give you guys the short story so you would have some idea what happened.  I am leaving out some of the parts I don't want to tell.

We took all three kids with us on Monday to our 11am Dr appointment to hear the heart beat.  They couldn't find it on doppler.  I knew at that second that the baby had died.  Dr Raney took me into ultrasound while Josh stayed with the kids.  No heart beat.  No movement.  We went into an exam room and they brought the kids in.  I told them that the baby had died. Lily FREAKED, Emma was an internal mess and Max would not stop playing with the vaginal light on the exam table.  HA!  They sent us home and called us at 1pm to set up our induction. We had a 6pm appointment to come in.

I had never thought about the fact that I was still going to have to go thru labor.  I was not mentally prepared and this was the scariest part to me so far.  I didn't have months to prep my head to get ready for this delivery and this time there was no happy light at the end of the tunnel.

We sent the kids to the wonderful neighbors.  They brought them back to our house that night and got them on the bus the next morning.  Then one of them stayed with Max all day.

We checked into the hospital at 6pm.  They hurried us up to high risk and they felt terrible that we had to walk right by about 50 people touring the hospital with big prego bellies. Could have done without that, but so is life and I am going to have to get used to that kind of stuff.

We got to the room and the nurse had a long talk with me about how the meds were going to go.  There were giving me HUGE doses of a cervix dilator.  Doses you would never use if you were worried about the fetal outcome.  I got my IV.  Then the resident (an adorable little tiny girl that looked like she was 18) came in and ultrasounded me again to make sure there was no heart beat.  Still none.  I had this secret little dream that they would say "Just kidding.  Look at that perfect little person.  Go home.  No wait!  Actually you are 39 weeks. Lets send you home with a baby.  No wait its twins!"  That did not happen.  My nurse was so loving and patient with my 100 questions.  God bless her.

The infant loss councilor showed up then and we had a great talk.  Josh and I got to some really critical points of things we had not thought of.  We both had some break downs and really figured out what we wanted.  We decided to name the baby Zoey if she was a girl and Zack boy.  Both coming from the joke name of Zofran Nilla Waffer Schaefer.  (The best name ever and named after the two things this kid liked)

At 8:30 they gave me my meds.  Around 10 I felt like I had to walk around.  Actually was walking circles like a caged lion.  At 10:45 I felt tons of pressure.  I was worried that I really did just have to poop, but I know from NICU that is how babies get born in the toilet.  But I also didn't want to take a huge crap in the bed.  (OH DEAR GOD!)  I went in the bathroom, sat down, pushed three times and felt my bulging bag poking out.  I had josh call the nurse.  She came in and put me into bed and check me.  She couldn't find anything at all.  I don't think she actually believed me.  I got right back up and walked into the bathroom again.  I sat down and felt the baby for sure.  I stood up and yelled for Josh to get her and then I delivered the baby.  Just like that.  I stood up, the baby fell out, and I caught it.

It may sound odd, but I am so glad I caught that kid.  I actually can't believe I did.  It was so fast.  But I am so relieved that kid never fell in the toilet or on the ground.  I know it was already dead, but I am not sure I could have ever got over that sound.  A TON of blood came out too.  The bathroom floor looked like someone had been murdered.  10:50pm

The nurse came in then and took the mass in my hands.  I had to wash my hands right away.  I couldn't take all the blood.  The nurse in me wanted gloves.  Gloves right flipping now.  I had been holding my intact and entire amniotic sack with baby inside.  No a single leak.  I seriously must have the toughest amniotic bags ever.  No wonder my other waters always had to be broken.  Josh left the line of site.  He wasn't sure he wanted to see the baby.  They took the baby wrapped in a towel to one end of the room and Josh and I sat side by side on the bed.  We were dead silent.  I don't think we had any idea what was supposed to be happening.  The nurse left to get something and I went to look at the baby.

The sac was still totally intact.  I moved the baby around in the sac and looked at it.  I saw that it was a boy.  I really thought I was having a girl.  I looked him all over.  Loved those little feet.

We kept saying to each other - that was so easy.  I can't believe its over.  Then they explained that it was placenta time.

For the record I would like to state that I hate my placenta right now.  At 18 weeks it is not designed to come out.  This was the only true pain in the whole deal.  She put her entire hand in me (thank god she was little) to almost the elbow trying to get the placenta to let go.  They thought the had it but it was just a HUGE blood clot.  They let me get up to take a shower.  Again, the blood was caked on my toe nails and I wanted it off.  Josh helped me shower and he was freaking out the whole time.  "Your still bleeding.  A lot.  Something is wrong."  I kept telling him to chill.  Till I started getting a little disoriented and dizzy.  I started getting out of the shower and then I sneezed.

Well, that sneeze broke loose everything.  There was so much blood they had to throw out the shower curtain.  Just that second Dr Raney arrived.  She was as mad as she is able to be. She couldn't believe I was up.  She checked me and said my entire placenta was still attached.  She tried to get it out.  I stared at the ceiling and focused on a happy place.  At this point I was getting so sleepy and starting to get some shock started.  They started fluids.  Dr Raney wanted to take me to the OR to try one more time to get it and then she said I would have to be knocked out for a D&C.

The OR was tough.  Pain and too close to home.  I made them cover the window to the NICU resuscitation island area.  I was shaking so bad.  But they got me covered up with warm blankets.  I went back to my happy place and we got it done.  Josh couldn't go back there with me.  All the nurses were busy so I started talking to myself.  I was half muttering half talking out loud but I had no meds and I needed to get through this.  I started talking about why we bought Bob the Goat and how our goat herd grew and why.  Pure flipping nuts, but I just had to get my brain thinking about something else.

And I got through it.  Sober.  I am kind of a big deal.  (That one was for Jen B.)

I felt better the second that she got that last bit of placenta out.  I was all better.

Then we went back to the room and tried to sleep.  It was about 1:30am by that point.  I got my blessed Ambien and went in to some kind of rest.  The woke me at 7:30 and got a CBC.  Dr Raney came in around 9:30 and looked over my blood counts.  She said even with my blood loss I was still at the low end of normal and that she would send me home.  Thank god.  We were ready.

Now we are home.  I have some very manageable pain.  Nothing crazy.  Just taking some tylenol and taking it easy.

So now what?  If you came over you would be a little embarrassed at how well Josh and I are doing.  We are really ok. Little Max is the best therapy ever.  I am sad.  I will be sad and pissed and ripped off and mad in groups for a while.

I love all this support.  Keep coming at me.  I need you guys.  I need your distractions.  I need to talk about lives and loves.  I need to get hugs and kiss any bellies that are growing.  Don't be weirdo around me.

The only thing I don't want to talk about is his name.  Please don't call him by his name.  We really only named him so we could tell Lily we did.  I don't want you guys to refer to him by his name.  I don't have any idea why.  Just humor me on this one point.  Maybe I will call him by name at some point, but please let me be the first to do so.

What was wrong with him?  His umbilical cord was attached all wrong.  It was attached to the wrong side of the amniotic sac and was very small.  He lost connection with the placenta and that is why he died.  She can't believe he got as big as he did.  We think he died right around 16 weeks.  This is a total fluke and should not effect any future shorties.  He weighed 30 grams and was 4.5 inches long.    I did get the RTS pictures.  I will show any one who wants to see, but they are pretty dramatic and I don't want to scar you guys.

Love you guys
Brooke