::team lead:

I got to be team lead (TL) today. 

It was  big deal to me. 

TL = a job in the NICU.  It changes daily.  Main job is to help assist the nurses on the third floor and try to keep the place under control. 

I have wanted to be TL for years.  But the charge nurses saw some holes in my personality that needed repaired before I would be picked.  They never flat out said that, but that was the reason I worked there four years before being asked to be TL.  (Usually, it takes people about 2 years to be TL.)  They were right - I did have some big things to fix before I was ready. 

But much has changed in me in the past few months...

Click on my infant loss label for the details.

Today was a whipping. 

I RAN around all day trying to stay in front of it all.  For a first time as TL I think I did OK.  I certainly was trying.  Always room to improve.  I got about three times my usually amount of steps on my pedometer. 

I felt good.  Successful.  I took a stressful day and attacked it with my old vigor.

Then the floor dropped out.

For privacy laws and for my respect for the family I will not explain in detail.  But an unfair and very sudden end happened, and I found myself at the front line.

Once the medical aspect became futile, I am really glad that a wiser soul than me led me out of the room. 

When you scratch away the first five layers, I am nothing but a momma who lost her baby and just wants to cry about it for the next year.  And once I left that room, my heart let go and cracked.  But I pulled it back in.  Because I honestly fear that if I ever just let myself GO I will have a long hard road recalling it.

But I still had more time left in the day.  Not much.  But enough that I wanted to finish it out.  I didn't want my first day as TL to end with me leaving the unit to go check myself in to the stress center.  

So, I found some self discipline and I finished the day.  I stayed on task and got it done.  I watched a few funny video's on my phone of Max to calm my brain.  (Josh and I watched the same ones in the hospital with Zack) 

Then I got in my car and started the drive home.

And then I cried so hard I had to pull over and just let it go.  I cried and cried and cried.

I haven't cried that hard since the morning after we got home from the hospital and I woke up with a jolt and for one great second, thought it was all a bad dream.   

I have held back my own pain, but this other mothers pain I could not deny.  The unfairness and suddenness of her loss... Terrible.  Unfair.  It rocked my soul.  So I cried.  For us both.  And I mourn for us both.

And right now I don't know what I want.  Can I still do this job?  If I am going to, especially as the occasional TL, then I have to be able to take the worst of this job too. 

When do I get to stop being a hot mess?  Am I getting any better or just treading water? 

::one other one::

Ok - lets tell the truth.  

 

I bought three baby goats the other day.  They are unregistered little fluffies.  I love them, but they are cheap and the equivalent of your neighbor having two cool Labs that he bred and them sold you a puppy cheap.  Although a cheap puppy, or even a mutt puppy can grow to be a really cool dog, if you are doing some breeding you want quality stock.  

Jenni (Josh's exwife) if the financial backing behind buying Charlotte.  I keep her and care for her, but Jenni is her silent investor.  So that means she technically owns Nelly too.  Which is fine.  It's all for Emma and Shealyn to have quality animals to show.  (And eventually for me to have built up some great breeding stock so that Lily has quality animals to show when she starts in a few more years.)  

Charlotte was expensive.  She is registered and has won enough to justify her price tag.  And I like her.

NOW -

My mother said she would sponsor one nice goat for the girls to show.  So my mother gave them the money to buy this little princess  -

 A light caramel registered pygmy doe. 

This is her dam 

K & J Pygmies Butterscotch

And her sire

 Aribba Acres Stoney Ridge

  If you are having trouble keeping up with all the new creatures around here, don't fret.  An honest "meet the farm animals" post is coming. 

::tea party - more planning::

I have a note in the calender in my iPhone

It says "focus on tea party"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (that's me being excited)

I left myself that note a few months ago, so that I would remind myself to really get planning.

So I AM

I have tweaked and updated my party plan a great deal.

These things go in cycles.   I build them up too expensive and then rip them down a bit to make them more manageable.  

One of my goals with this one is to have almost NOTHING to do the day of except set out food.  I want to focus on being more organized and less flustered the day of.

(Mostly because I almost threw up two hours before the art party I was so nervous)

The date is set for May 14th.  

I like to divide the pre-party time into chunks and assign myself chores during those time periods.  

By April 16th (one month out) I would like to have done...

Things to buy:

Printables

     Set this up with my lovey, Bird, over at birdcrafts.  She has a mexican line that minus the mexican stuff is just the right idea.  (Cupcake rings, treat bag tops, label for doll envelope, food table labels, etc)

Two cloth table clothes - pink and orange

Raid goodwill for more tea pots

Colored duct tape

fruit kabob sticks

Things to make:

FLOWERS!!!! and butterflies/dragonflies

     Duct tape, folded paper, every idea I can find  (FEEL FREE TO THROW ME SOME MORE!)

Street signs

By April 30th (two weeks out) I would like to have done...

Things to buy:

Place setting flower pots

Container for center piece

Streamers for treat table

Paper dolls

Dot candy

Things to make:

chalkboard place setting flower pots

Grass table runner

Straw toppers

Cupcake toppers

Toothpick toppers

10 flowers

By May 7th (one week out) I would like to have done...

Things to buy:

Tulle

Astro turf

Borrow plates from mom

Fabric for photo spot background

Treat bags supplies

Paper doll envelopes

Things to make:

Tulle bench skirts

astro turf chargers (circle)

Cupcake towers

Log risers

Treat bags

10 flowers

Then the last week on non-work days gets broken down into daily chores.

May 8th

Prep craft table supply kits

Prep game supplies

May 12th

Buy the food

  (for stress reasons minimize the amount of homemade food)

May 13th

Make dot candy napkin rings, prep place settings

Food prep

May 14th (DAY OF!)

Set tables

Hang flowers

Set photo background

This is never everything - but it is a good start 

::mud fest::

The rule about muddy days is that all boots stay on the porch till dry.

And that rule stands for muddy clothes too.

You have to take them off on the porch.

So if you every pull in and see and kids getting naked on the porch you know why.

This dog went straight to the shower.

White coats make crummy farm dogs.

::farm spring walk though::

The other day my trusty assistant Max and I walked the farm and came up with a list of things that needs to be addressed around here this year.

My Barn

Clean out goat stall and run, and add fresh bedding
Make the new goat pasture

Get all the trash out of the barn (stupid baling wire)

Clean out the dog run and add fresh bedding

Clean out my junk stall

Picture from here.

Consider plan for outdoor canning kitchen (we have an extra stove, why not?)

     Any thoughts on this? Anyone seen anything about an outdoor canning kitchen?

Prep site closer to house for large wood pile

New front yard well cover

Link

Look for cheap bright flowers for picking garden by girls bedroom windows

Mulch beds and playground

Spray paint my garden hose frogs

Thin ugly roses out – making room for future raspberries

Plant HUGE sunflowers in front of house

Fix bed trim

Add/replace driveway railroad ties

Remove or fix up random lamp post

Back porch – powerwash, seal, fix trim, furnish and add some shade

SEE GARDEN NOTEs for additional garden space

Fix up the outhouse

Set up outdoor boot area

Thin back tree lines

Make new entrance to back hay field

Add water source to orchard and new garden

Add second clothes line

::goat present::

Goats.  I LOVE THEM!!

They are so fun and cute and playful and just a total blast.   

I have wanted more for years, but something has finally been broken down in Josh.  He let me get a few more.

Somehow I convinced him to go with me to buy ONE baby goat for Shealyn (the kid I help show animals) to show in 4H.  We needed her and Emma to have even numbers to show.  Once we got to the place I couldn't pick.  There were SO many to choose from.  Seriously - like 46 babies.  Here are a few contenders. 

How can you pick one!!!  They are so adorable.  But I finally went with this one...

Meet "Alfonzy" - as named by Shealyn.  A blue eyed nigerian dwarf male, who will find himself a wether (an neutered male) as soon as I pick him up at the end of April.  Could he be any cuter?

But while trying to pick Shealyns goat I fell in love with two little pygmy girl twins.  They were so cute and fluffy and I just wanted them.  For no reason.  I just wanted to hold them and bring them home.  And for some reason Josh says, "Just get one of the fluffy ones too."  So I bought them both.  Which did not shock him at all.  Here they are...

But they need names. Please place your votes.

And I am DYING because they can't come home till the end of April too.   

::state of mind::

~On January 17th my third pregnancy ended at 18 weeks ,

the entire story can be read here~

Were is my head now?


Pretty good.


If you asked me if I was happy, I would answer you yes.


And I would mean it.


Mostly.


And sometimes I wouldn't be able to answer you because I am a rotten liar.


But you wouldn't notice I blew you off, because I am the master of changing the subject.


I just grew up in too much of a "Everything is fine - especially if we don't talk about it" kind of family to be able to let myself go.

and

It's eye contact that kills me.  I can talk about it here on my blog, I can talk about it via email, I can even talk about it on the phone.  But I can't make eye contact and talk about the baby that died and what it is still doing to me.  It's too intense.


But then a huge part of me wants to talk about it.  Wants to discuss the fact that I caught my own baby.


How horrifying.  Who does that?   Did that really happen to me?
I can't shake that memory.  It is crystal clean vivid to me like it just happened.


Sometimes I think the next pregnancy (this summer???) will fix that.  But I think that is delusional.

I really do like the new me better but  right this second I REALLY miss the old me.  The person who made connections easily and deeply.  The person who didn't live in constant social anxiety. 

I guess that is what I am really getting at.  I do not like this degree of social anxiety I am living with.  I have lost my ability to feel natural with most of my friends.  Everything I do feels staged or fake or programmed.  I don't every feel relaxed around anyone but Josh and the kids anymore.  (And a few others)

But I want to feel that connection to other people again.  I am just not sure how anymore. 

How do I get that honest feeling back again?

Time?  Effort?  What?