::an apology::

Dear friends,

I am sorry.  

I am sorry that I spent the last year disconnected from you.  I am sorry that I was a bad friend to you.  I was disinterested and disconnected.  I didn't call and I didn't show up, and if I did I was trying hard to be mental present - but I was not.  Several of you had to give up on me, you had your own crap to deal with.  I don't blame you.  But I am ready to participate now.  I came home from the hospital with Quinn and I had an emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time.  I couldn't wait for my visits.  I sincerely felt excited to spend time with friends.  I didn't feel like I was the white elephant in the room any more.  I don't feel like a big faker anymore. 

I didn't want to internalize.  It was a survival strategy.  I was so fractured after the baby died that I couldn't function.  But I knew that I had to "fake it till you make it".  I had to get up every day and keep my family together.  Over that time it became less fake and more real.  I was pretty good around the shorties, but I just could not find the place in my brain that was able to be a friend.  It was still hidden in fog.  And once my soul was healed by Quinn I rediscovered the friend piece of my brain.  

I want to sit with you guys.  I want to have dinner and lunch.  I want to get our hair did and talk about our crazy kids.  I miss you, and if you are willing to take me back I would like to be your friend again. 

Love,

Brooke