I posted on Facebook the other day that I was at one of Lily's play and Q lost his marbles and I had to walk out with him. I was so mad at him that I thought I might hurt him when we got out side. He had totally embarrassed me and I didn't even get to see Lily and I WANTED TO SEE LILY. I did spank him but then I sat him outside in time out and walked about 20 feet away to do some serious deep breathing to talk myself out of harming him. In those moments my temper is so strong that I see blind rage. I really am capable of hurting him at those moments. I never have truly hurt any of them. Maybe one spank too many or an arm grabbed too hard. But I have the kind of rage in me that could lead to way worse. When I send babies home from the hospital with really young teen mother I make sure to tell them that - "I have four kids of my own and a terrible temper. I have moments where they were making me so mad and I was so tired that I wanted to freak out. If your baby is fed, clean and in a safe place (like a crib) it is ok to walk away for half an hour. Set your phone timer and go sit on the front step where you can't hear them cry and get your head on straight."
Right when I walked outside with him I posted on Facebook what had happened with him. I got a ton of wonderful support. Other mama's telling me that I am doing a good job, don't worry. Lot's of reassurance. It was wonderful to get that kind of support - but they don't really know the full truth. They see the pictures I post and the stories I tell but they don't know what is really going on in my house. The non-pretty moments that you don't put on Facebook.
In the spirit of honesty I want to post some of those things too. And I want to hear some of those things about the people I know. They all have such an interesting life story and I want both sides of it.
Here are of few of my not pretty moments -
1. We are still broke. We struggle with money still like crazy. We have come a long way and we are paying off debt like crazy - another year or so and we should be pretty good. But I watch every dollar that I spend. I have about 40 different garden and house projects that I don't do because I don't have the money to do them.
2. We go on too many vacations - which is linked to our money problems. We are cheap 95% of the year but then we decide that we need to go for a short grown ups Disney trip, a week long cabin family trip, and a long weekend grow ups to Vegas. And I don't really feel super bad about this, we say that some times you have to make a poor financial choice and a smart mental health choice. So when I complain that I can't order out lunch at work cause I am broke it is because I am going to Disney.
3. We are a family of 6! SIX! And we have one fully functional bathroom. With a small stand up shower and one small sink. It is a mad house. We have been in the process of renovation our other bathroom for years. I have no idea when we are actually going to finish it because each time we come up with a wad of cash we spend it at Disney (see problem two).
3. We do not own one car with less than 100K miles. Josh is a handy person. He can fix cars and duct tape them together. Sometimes when I look at our tax returns and then drive the piece of crap to the drama practices I get embarrassed. I remind myself that is shallow. You don't have to prove your income with your car. Grow up. Stop being so shallow. But that "keeping up with the Jones" feeling sometimes pushes me. As punishment I make myself drive the 12+ year old Saturn, that shitter is a very humbling experience. You can't put on airs when you drive that thing.
4. I get so mad sometimes that I see stars. I yell too much and let my anger go too far. Josh will tell me to stop. He keeps me in line. I have never once lost my cool with my husband and children and not regretted it latter. I need to refocus on this. It is a terrible weakness.
5. We had a little dog named Lizzie. I loved that little fluff ball. Josh gave her to me as a distraction present to talk me out of making him get his vasectomy reversed. It bought him another year or so. We bought her at a pet shop - because we are idiots. She was a wonderful little dog. Good with the kids and well trained. She never had accidents and could be home in the house in no kennel for 13 hours. She had one fluke that she liked to chase cars. She got out one day and got hit by a truck. We took her to the emergency vet and sent the X-rays to my friend who is an emergency vet specialist. She told me not to euthanize, keep the dog well contained for six straight weeks and it should heal its self. We did exactly that and the broken bones healed great. But the dog was never the same. She had accidents all the time, I am not sure she could really hold her bladder that well and once it started she just could stop peeing all over. She now barked constantly. She didn't really like the kids anymore and would growl at them when they came near her, especially if she was snuggling me. She never bit anyone, even when they deserved it. Life was busy and I took the easy road out, which slowly evolved into her being with the farm dogs outside all the time. She liked it, all the running and hunting. But that was no way for a toy breed dog to live, they just are not hardy enough. After months of thought I just surrendered her to a rescue. They say she is really happy and thriving. Snuggling and playful. She is in a way better place with them - but I feel really guilty for giving her up like that. Even worse - the kids are all over me for another indoor dog and I want one too. I just sweep that problem under the rug and look for the next dog.
Ok - those are my five current confessions. Your turn...
early in fall
3 days ago