::two years latter::

Maclay and Lily May 2005

 About two years ago we lost a baby.  I was 18 weeks pregnant and flying high.  My life had never been touched by unanticipated tragedy.  I am humiliated to admit that I wasn't even totally following my prenatal care plan.  My 18 week appointment, were we heard no heart beat, was actually my 16 week appointment.  I had so much faith in my luck.  Blind faith.  Then the floor fell out.  I talk about it all in great detail on my infant loss tab.  But the summary is - it took me a good year and a healthy Quishy to get it together.  It broke my heart to heal it stronger.  The whole event improved me as a person and pushed me out of my comfort zone and into new experiences.  I can't say I wish I'd had that baby, because then I wouldn't have Quinny.  And I NEED my Quinn.  

BUT - the other day I was behind a car that had a bumper sticker that said this -

 
I had this unexpected black rage go over my eyes.  I had my hand on the door knob to get out and knock on their window to explain to them why they were a complete and total dumb ass.  Don't you dare compare your dog to my child.  

I had this wonderful dog in high school and collage.  She was so cute and smart.  Maclay.  She was the focus of my life.  I took her everywhere.  I was never without her.  I hated leaving her.  She went of the road with me to all my horse shows.  We were devoted to each other.  She died when Lily was about one and a half.  I cried my eyes out.  I was so sad.  

That pain was nothing compared to the baby I lost.  Not even close.  I loved that dog, but my soul was attached to that baby.  That baby lived inside my body, I felt him kick and turn and move and groove.  Josh and I created him about of our love for each other.  He was a sibling to my other children.  He was so much more important than a dog.  And that effing dog bumper sticker just made me want to flip out.    

another stupid statement

I consider myself to be a dog lover.  I have always had a dog.  I enjoy them.  They are funny and make a great companion.  But they are dogs.  They are not humans.  I have never met someone that has children that still says - I love my dog like a child.  I would tell people that Maclay was my baby.  I have as many pictures of her as I do of Lily.  If you don't have kids, for what ever reason (choice, circumstance, whatever) - love that dog.  Dress it in clothes and make it your "baby".  Its not hurting any one.  You're free to say anything stupid that you want - but just try to think a little bit.  Just a bit.  Please.  My struggle with the loss of my baby is nothing to that family that is being torn apart by childhood leukemia or other illness.  Don't say you love your dog like I love my child.  How about just - "I love my dog"? 
 

::Q and M birthday party::

My friends at work keep asking me what crazy over the top things I have going for the boys birthday parties this year.  Answer is - nothing.

My brother inlaw and sister inlaw just adopted a new little guys.  Caleb is his name.  He is sweet and kind and I want to eat him up.  His birthday is February 10th.  Max is January 31st and Quinny is February 3rd.  Max is going to a preschool that is in a neighboring community to the one we actually live in.  None of the kids in his c

lass will be going to school with him next year when he starts his real preschool year at the same school as Lily.  

When Lily was little I would have her huge crazy parties and invite all my friends and family.  All MY friends and family.  Not hers.  She was a little kid.  She didn't really have any friends yet.  She and Emma where the only the kids in our entire family.  It was a grown up festival.  That doesn't mean I didn't have fun, but its just not how we live now.  The boys are not going to care.  Max had a big party last year that was almost completely snowed out.  He didn't care.  He still had a blast.  But its not happening this year.  

The three boys are having one party.  Just family.  Peaceful and most likely full of dollar store fun.  And that is great.  I am getting cakes made for the boys.  Each one will have a different Minion cake from Despicable Me.  It's going to be so cute.  Presents and joy and dirty boys.  

Then next year we can get crazy with an over the top Matchbox party.  Already planning it.  Its over the top - and hopefully it will have all the kids from his preschool class.  

::orchard garden 2013::

The orchard garden was originally supposed to be a messy garden.
A carefree let it go wild place.

Its not really panning out that way.
This year we are adding a hoop house to the front section - much more to come on that.
Then we are adding a raised strawberry bed.
Then a melon patch and corn patch.
I left some space for canning tomatoes to go crazy.

::personal growth::

 January is a time of self reflection.

I have some changes I would like to see in myself in 2013.  Goals to work toward. 

First and foremost - I have got to focus seriously on my weight.  I am at my largest nonpregnant size.  What a waste of time.  I have too many things I want to do this summer to be slow and chubby.  I need to loose at least 30lbs.  Ideally 50.  But I have to get that 30 gone.  I have been pregnant, depressed, pregnant, and breast feeding.  Its not a perfect excuse but it will do.  My own weight was just not anything I cared about.  Now its time to care.  I'm not sure exactly how I am going to do it, but I will.   

Second - its time to care about my emotional wellness.  I have been on survival mode since we lost our baby and now its time to take this new person I have become and establish some new friendships.  I have grown to love these crazy girls that I work with.  I need to put myself out there and ask them to have dinner after work some times.  I need to set up couples play dates.   I need to start making new friendships with people who I have something in common with.  I'm excited to give it a shot.  It's been awhile since I had the drive to maintain friendships properly.  I'm ready to change that.   

::barn swing::

The snow and general winter weather did not allow for Lily's Christmas swing to be hung outside.

Lucky for her, her Dad hung it in my barn.

That kid has always loved a good swing.

This thing is awesome.  

Best present of the year. 

Even Quinny tried it out. 

::winter wonderland::

 I love snow.

Don't tell Josh.

He just hates it.

Because he is the one that has to move it.

I OCCASIONALLY shovel the walk way to the door.

And think I am really helping.

Josh does the entire driveway.

And the neighbors drive too.  

 But I LOVE it.

It's so... quiet.  

While its falling, it seems like peace.  

Here is is about 1/4 of the way in.

Donk was the only man smart enough to get out of the storm. 

 Some little Shooter ponies did not have that same thought.

Some old fat Ted's also thought the snow was fun.  

 

Donk escaped through an open gate and made a break for it.

I was not concerned.  

He walked out of the barn and turned right around and came back in.

::snow writers::

 It's snowing. 

Like crazy. 

The kids are home for break.

They are going stir crazy.

I gathered up any spray or squirt bottle I could find, filled them with HOT water and food coloring, and sent them out to decorate the snow.  

 The hot water part is important.

Notice the kids are not wearing gloves?

Those hot water bottles make all the difference.  

We have done these for a few years.

The kids always love it.  

Cheap and easy. 

::garden plan 2013::

I can't wait for my cottage garden this year!  We built this pretty little thing in April of 2010 and it has been my obsession since.  Every year I try do a better and better job of perfecting the balance of production and pretty.  I added more strawberry's last year that should mature this year.  I can't wait for that.  If the whole thing was strawberry's we wouldn't have enough.  Good thing we are putting in a 25ft/5ft raised bed in the orchard garden. 
This year I will be starting a pretty large hoop house too, so I don't have to worry as much about cramming the Cottage Garden as full as possible.  I really want to focus on making it as pretty and edible as possible.  I'll be sprinkling in flowers were ever a blank spot presents itself.